DH won't wear his hearing aid

[RepeatingMyselfRepeatingMyself]

DH is hard of hearing. He has been given an NHS hearing aid. He refuses to wear it, partly out of vanity, because it is vaguely visible, but mainly because it amplifies all noises and he finds it uncomfortable/unpleasant.
This means that to have any sort of conversation with him involves lots of repeating myself, raising my voice to an uncomfortable level so it feels strained and often, even after all that, he misunderstands the key points which later comes back as feeling like I’m being gas lighted as he’ll claim i never told him xyz.
I have suggested he wear it for a week or two to see if he can get used to it, I’m sure his brain would learn to filter out some of the extraneous noise, but he doesn’t want to.

So am i BU in accepting he won’t wear it but giving up trying to talk to him, or should i just carry on as i am because he can’t help having hearing loss.

NHS provision varies widely. I also feel that the system doesn't appear to allow enough time for an unusual hearing loss to be properly supported. I would seriously encourage him to trial some aids privately so he knows what's possible before he makes any decisions.

You might mention some of the benefits of aids, for example streaming direct from your phone your ears, possibly making completely hands free phone calls (depending on the phone and aids), being able to adjust the background noise/conversation balance in crowded spaces, being able to adjust the volume of particular ranges separately, and ( if he has no or little hearing in his other ear) the use of a CROS so that he can pick up sounds from both sides and doesn't have to do the positioning thing constantly.

Hearing aids aren't some kind of "Magic bullet" however well they've been adjusted and whatever the quality.

They ALL amplify background noise. Even the most expensive private ones aren't yet developed enough to fully distinguish between voice and other sounds - they're getting better all the time, but 100% correctness is the holy grail and they're not there yet!

Assuming NHS, he may need to go back 2 or 3 times to get them adjusted/tweaked to be more comfortable in terms of volume, sensitivity, etc. Some NHS audiologists aren't particularly competent I found. But some are excellent. Go back 2 or 3 times and chances are you'll get a good one (assuming you don't see the same one each time - try choosing a different day or different hospital!).

Obviously, the more sensitive, the more background noise they'll pick up.

You also have to make an effort - they're not a magic bullet. If you talk to him when there's background noise, i.e. an extractor fan, washing machine, television, etc., that will take precedence over your speech, so you have to speak loudly, clearly and directly to him, and not mumble looking away and expecting him to hear - he won't unless the room is otherwise silent.

I've been wearing hearing aids for 15 years. A mix of private and NHS, and the NHS are a mix of local hospital audiology or Specsavers. Private are infinitely better in terms of quality of the aids and the hearing test/fitting/adjustments, but still aren't perfect. NHS hospital were the worst as it took a lot of appointments in different places which wasted a lot of time. Specsavers for NHS was pretty good - one appointment for everything, adjustment set properly, but the quality of the aids was still low quality NHS, but overall experience far better than the hospital.

The OP's husband needs to try more and try to get used to them, but the OP also needs to make more effort to speak clearly and directly, and be more aware of background noises in the house.

I don't know a single person with a hearing aid that likes it... all say EXACTLY the same thing about background noise and it making it HARDER to hear and concentrate.

A hearing aid is not a wonderful magic fix that lets people hear 'normally'.

I was offered one on the NHS and turned it down because theres no point wasting NHS money when I'm very likely to have the same issue as everyone else and it will just end up in a draw.

I'm surviving fine without it (same way I choose not to wear glasses unless absoloutly needed as prolonged use causes migraines and Id rather be a bit blind than in uncontrollable pain) and someone else being irritated that I have hearing loss or not being able to see something far away etc... is entirely their own abelist issue because I'm fine with it and its MY body and MY condition.

I’ve been wearing hearing aids for over 5 years now. I have cookie bite hearing loss which affects how I hear speech. I’m on my second pair now. I opted to go private and mine are connected to an App and my iPhone which is great as I really struggled with phone calls.
My hearing aids are Phonak, quite expensive but my new ones are very thin behind the ear which makes my specs easier to wear.
Your dh needs to go back to the nhs audiologist or get a private appointment to find a hearing aid that suits him.
I honestly couldn’t function properly without my aids now. They make all the difference.

I recently bought my aids privately and have an app on my phone to adjust the volume and other settings which is vey useful (appreciate not all aids have those features or the frequency of aftercare that I have access to - I am fortunate to afford it). They are definitely more challenging to get used to than popping on a pair of specs. I describe it like using crutches to walk - they help me achieve a similar outcome but in a very different way.

It does take a while to adjust. Your brain learns to tune out some sounds but he has to wear the aid consistently for a while before this happens.

I would agree with others though that a little more sympathy/understanding might be good. As others have said, hearing aids don't 'fix' your hearing, they just make it a bit better. I still struggle in some environments even with them in, and I've been wearing them for years. I sometimes need people to repeat themselves, and I sometimes need to watch their lips closely. The worst thing people can do when I'm struggling to hear is roll their eyes, show irritation or say 'oh, it doesn't matter'.

There are other times I don't wear them as because I don't want them to get wet/get sand in/get damaged e.g. when I've just washed my hair, on holiday poolside or at the beach.

This is a very common problem,. If he has a mobile get him to make an appointment with the hearing centre to get it linked to his phone. You can cut out all sorts of background noises. I could not wear mine unless I use the noise filter and low control.. He may be able to do it himself if he is tech savvy.

it is unbearable otherwise. It sounds like everything is crashing and banging, DH breathing and eating is amplified. I do sympathies with him. When I first had mine I had a constant headache.

I have NHS ones. It does take a while to get used to and there are some environments that they arguably make things worse (like a busy cafe with music, lots of conversations, coffee machine, clattering cutlery all amplified... argh!).

I do wear mine daily, but as others have said I still often fail and need a bit of help in certain settings. I know it is annoying, but trust me my DH is very annoying in other ways.

Today I am at work and one of my batteries has gone, so the office hubbub is a bit quieter than normal. That's actually quite nice when you don't need to speak to people.

Out of curiosity, how much might you spend if you go privately for hearing aids. I've always had NHS ones, but my most recent set are a bad fit and it's proving difficult to "go back to Audiology". A bit of a ridiculous situation, really.

Thanks for sharing that! I have noticed that I am missing the start of some words now that im 64. I suppose i should get my hearing checked.

My husband's cost £3,000. It's a lot, I know, but they genuinely alleviate so many of the issues others on here have talked about. He can adjust the volume of different sounds, adjust background noise (even in the car, he can 'tune' out the road noise and tune in voices), they recharge overnight so his batteries never run out. They fit better, are a slimmer profile so better with his glasses, the aftercare has been better (so many betters, sorry!)
They are not perfect; he can still struggle at, say, a table of ten or twelve people, or to hear over close loud noise (the washing machine spinning, for example) but they are so much better (must improve my vocabulary) than he had before.

My Nan got given an NHS hearing aid. She also refuses to wear it. I’ve worn one since I was 5 years old and I can’t imagine life without it, but I can understand how some people get overwhelmed with suddenly hearing a lot of noise all of a sudden.

Can you try to encourage him to wear it for small doses during the day whilst at home and slowly increase those doses. Once he’s confident in the home, do the same out side

I wear 2 hearing aids. When I first got them I could hear stuff I hadn’t heard for a long time. I worked with young children with semh and at times it was tricky.
However, I was advised to wear them as much as possible (I did all day) for 3 weeks and then I would filter out the for eg very loud rustling of a crisp packet. It worked. I think it is selfish to not wear prescribed hearing aids and doesn’t do the person with hearing loss any favours either.

I just want to echo the dementia issue. My dad has had hearing loss for years, wouldn’t wear his hearing aids. It has absolutely contributed to him developing vascular dementia which is horrendous for him and everyone around him. Sure, it’s his choice, but the potential consequences could outweigh any of the disadvantages.

I feel like people are being a little harsh on here with the poor man.

It is really tricky getting used to hearing loss and having to adjust to wearing an aid. So I do feel for your DP. Saying that he can help himself in lots of ways as people have suggested.
Also living with someone with hearing loss is frustrating but there are measures you can take to help. Things like making sure you have the person's attention, reducing background noise, using a good light for lip reading etc.

I wear hearing aids and do find that people generally think "you're not trying hard enough to hear". Its just as frustrating for the deafened person as the hearing person.
There are times when I can't wear my aids due to infections and my partner is very patient with me and knows how to help. This level of support in a relationship is so important because although it is my issue it is a shared problem.

RNID do a free, online hearing check.

Neither of my parents would wear their hearing aids, I suspect because of the six weeks of hell needed to acclimatise. DMum did take them into hospital with her when she moved into palliative care and, as a result, we could actually have conversations with her and she could hear. Those last 15m were very special.

Maybe going to get them adjusted and a bit more fine tuned would help.

My mother can be rather like this. She has NHS hearing aids which initially she was convinced she didn't need. My sister and I had been nudging her to get a hearing test for some time because having a conversation with her was becoming very difficult and frustrating.

When they were midway through the tests my mother told the audiologist that she was sure she was wasting his time and apologised. She was stunned when he told her that the results showed profound hearing loss.

She tends to only put her aids in when we are going out and still seems convinced for some reason that she doesn't need them at home. Apparently it's to save the batteries, but we have plenty of those and more are given out whenever we visit the opticians.

So I have to keep shouting and repeating myself until I eventually demand to know whether she has put her hearing aids in. Invariably the answer is no. It also means that she has the TV on at a volume that could nearly drive anyone else out of the house too.

My mother doesn't have Bluetooth ones, she doesn't really do much tech stuff and doesn't have a mobile phone at all. So that wouldn't work.

I think even the basic NHS ones today seem like a great improvement on the old style ones. You would have to be looking very closely to notice them at all.

It does frustrate me when people just won't help themselves. I do get your frustration. I think get adjustments made to the hearing aids, and then start being firm with him as suggested upthread.

I’m fairly new to hearing loss and just have one hearing aid. I wish I’d opted for both. I’ve learned so much from this thread so thank you!

If trying to acclimatise is hell you need to go back to the audiologist. They're not doing a proper job. When I had NHS aids I was just left to get on with it and I really understood why sound can be used as an instrument of torture. I don't think the audiologist was skilled enough to set them for my (admittedly unusual) hearing loss. I didn't have the same issue with either of the private audiologists I've had.

A work colleague has just got NHS hearing aids linked to his phone by bluetooth and he can change basic settings on them. He's really stuck with them after hating it at first and now 3 months on says he didn't realise how much he was always missing.

I did an online hearing test with DH the other night (who says there is nothing wrong with his hearing) and his hearing age came out at 92.... he's 60. I'm 54 and my hearing came out age 42 but I've got very sensitive hearing. It's not a good combination as I now have to wear Loop earplugs most of the time at home as he doesn't realise how much noise he makes. Sigh.

Just to add, I’ve got basic nhs hearing aids; I still have subtitles on the tv as I still struggle a bit. I’m hoping my next appointment I can have aids which will work with a ‘loop’ system which is relatively cheap and easy to install.
My biggest bugbear is my dh being in another room whilst I’m in the kitchen with appliances running and he asks or tells me something. With a big sigh I go into the other room and state I haven’t a hope in hell of hearing him so please repeat. He’s clearly frustrated, though says he’s not and he didn’t think, but I don’t choose to have hearing loss.
He should know he should at least be in the same room if he wants me to hear.
In fact I’ve recently just started to pretend I’m unaware he’s said anything and he can get off his backside and come to the room I’m in.

They are adjustable, assuming a normal NHS model like I wear. You can select volume level, what is harder is clarity.

But it isn't, or shouldn't be, hell. I've worn my basic NHS hearing aids for 10 yrs or so with regular check ups. I adjust the volume manually for different occasions. Arenas and concert hall sound can lack clarity. I don't have a loop system setting, will sort next check up.
Can they actually use them? Can they self adjust the sound? if they can't, that could be the problem.
My sister (wealthier than me) has privately supplied hearing aids that she can control from her phone according to need, restaurants, concerts etc.

@Sharptonguedwoman I'm afraid my mum died 10 years ago and dad died 15 years ago so I can no longer ask them. Their hearing aids preceded that by a good decade or so so we're probably talking ear trumpets rather than the sophisticated blue tooth kit people have today.