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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect dh to listen to my views on a second baby?

21 replies

Pinkjenny · 06/05/2008 12:34

OK, this is a long story. Our dd is 1yo next week, and I really want another. I am an only child, and am desperate for dd to grow up with a sibling that is close in age. We were originally thinking that we would wait a couple of years.

However, I was made redundant whilst on mat leave last year, and am currently doing an interim part time role which is until December. Trying to find a permanent p/t role has proved impossible so far.

My reasoning for bringing the second baby forward (if we are lucky enough to conceive reasonably quickly again), is that if we 'go for it' now, I can take mat leave and pay based on the current role I am doing, I'll just go on mat leave when the contract ends in December. Dh and I are both HR Managers, and this is definitely the case.

Dh keeps telling me we can't afford it. Now, we managed with dd, and when we planned her, we thought we would have her in nursery f/t, in fact she only goes 2 days a week. So to have another one would be another 2 days a week, and also give me another 9 months to find a p/t role.

Dh has a very good job, along with lots and lots of savings, and if we can't afford it, who can! He wants me to wait until I find a permanent job. I am worried about this, as with the role I was made redundant from, I'm sure getting pg so quickly after I started never did me any favours.

AIBU to expect him to at least have a sensible conversation with me? I feel a bit like I am brow beating him into it.

OP posts:
Chequers · 06/05/2008 12:35

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Pinkjenny · 06/05/2008 12:38

Chequers - this sounds ridiculous, but in order to qualify for mat leave and pay from this role, I'd need to conceive in the next couple of months. If that doesn't happen, then I guess we'll have to wait and the decision is made for us!

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Chequers · 06/05/2008 12:41

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Pinkjenny · 06/05/2008 12:43

Not sure, I think that I could go from ttc to not ttc based on the fact that we do (according to dh) need my income. We don't really, but he is very tight.

I did know this when I married him though.

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Chequers · 06/05/2008 12:43

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Chequers · 06/05/2008 12:43

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Pinkjenny · 06/05/2008 12:44

Yeah, I do understand that bit. But in my last role, I started in May and was pg in August. I'll always be convinced that that's one of the reasons I was 'selected' for redundancy. I didn't have the energy to fight with them over it at the time, dd was 6mo and it was such a shock.

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Chequers · 06/05/2008 12:44

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Chequers · 06/05/2008 12:45

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ShowOfHands · 06/05/2008 12:46

If money isn't really an issue maybe he's using it as an excuse. Have you asked him if he has other concerns. He may be more sensitive than you think. Perhaps he worries. Only suggest it as I know dh is concerned about my reaction to dd and he (and I) therefore don't want to try again until dd's 2 at least. Is he concerned for you and your anxiety levels? What about sleep? He must notice how frantic you are about L's sleep and perhaps worries a wakeful newborn might exacerbate the problem.

Get out for a meal, neutral territory and talk honestly. Point out that money is not a real problem and ask him (and respect) what his issues are.

Still on for bank holiday weekend?

Pinkjenny · 06/05/2008 12:46

Chequers, there's no way he'd know about nursery funding. I just think its a conversation topic he can't be bothered with. He says things like, 'aren't you ever happy' and accuses me of just being 'greedy and ungrateful'.

I genuinely don't want dd to be an only child, and I really think its something we should discuss in terms of the timing.

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Pinkjenny · 06/05/2008 12:48

Hi SOH!

Definitely still on for bank hol weekend - can't wait! Am definitely driving though. Just pray L stays asleep.

I think he is just thinking about money (as he is extremely tight fisted) and I do think he is concerned that we wouldn't be able to cope with 2 under 2. I think in his eyes, money is a real issue. Because he hates spending it.

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Chequers · 06/05/2008 12:49

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ShowOfHands · 06/05/2008 12:56

Tell him he doesn't need to spend it. You will and hide the receipts.

No chance of bringing him down to Gosport. He can see first-hand how lovely enormous families are and leave wanting to fit in 6 more asap.

My gut feeling is that 'convincing' him to ttc is never going to be as lovely as you both wanting it without reservations.

Take the mat leave thing out of the equation. Do you really want 2 under 2?

Pinkjenny · 06/05/2008 12:59

Re 'convincing' him - this is true.

I think that is what I am worrying about. I admit, 2 under 2 seems, er, challenging, but I have surprised myself by how quickly I want another.

I think I am completely clouded by my 'only child' views of the situation. I would have loved to have a sibling close in age to me.

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izzybiz · 06/05/2008 13:02

Moneywise its probably better to have them close together, you still have your stuff from the first child!

ShowOfHands · 06/05/2008 13:10

You'll have more I guarantee it. What you're doing right now isn't depriving L of a sibling, it's giving her first born's privilege- unlimited and undivided attention, all the toys to herself and sleeping in mummy's bed.

If you do wait a year, how lovely it will be for L to understand more, to shop with you for baby things, take pride in her big sis status etc.

Playing devil's advovate now. If you get pg now you have pregnancy to cope with on top of sleep issues and separation anxiety (problems that may worsen when a newborn comes along). Waiting may be no bad thing. I'm not convincing you either way, just worried for you and want you to get some sleep.

Pinkjenny · 06/05/2008 13:11

SOH - you are a wise old bird.

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ShowOfHands · 06/05/2008 13:17

oi, less of the old darling.

LoveMyGirls · 06/05/2008 13:20

I've got a 6 yr gap between mine (remember being desperate for dp to agree to have dd2 so do know how you feel) I was so glad dd1 was at school when I had dd2 as it meant I could catch up on some sleep in the daytime when I got dd2 into a good routine of sleeping for a couple of hours every afternoon.

Pinkjenny · 06/05/2008 13:46

That's another great point. I think my memory is a little foggy of the early days!

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