Ironic to come across this thread today.
3 years ago I was in the last 48 hours of my DPs life sitting beside his death bed.
He had been in hospital for nearly 3 weeks having collapsed at home from a major brain bleed. He was operated on successfully and even regained consciousness for a few days. He had tested positive for Covid so we weren't allowed to visit for 14 days. I had one phone call and it was clear that he was thankfully high as a kite and he asked me what time it was. I told him and he said "See you at 6" which was when we'd meet after work. At that point it was clear he had some paralysis but they were already talking rehab.
Over the next few days he regressed and another scan found a second massive bleed that wasn't compatible with further surgery. The writing was on the wall. I had long conversations with his devastated father and I knew DPs wishes were not to end up like his DM who has end stage dementia. His career depended on fine motor function, and he would have hated to be dependent on anyone for intimate care, not that it seemed he had any awareness and was in a deep coma. I agreed with doctors suggestions that for the sake of comfort and dignity, we had to let him go.
Some of his close friends were really combative about it, holding out for a miracle of some sort, (as if I wouldn't feel the same) but it was medically and personally ridiculous to keep him "here" in physical terms as his body was shutting down and no miracle could have restored the damage and brought him back as the person he was and would want to be.
It took four months and two post mortems to reveal that he had cancer that had metastised to his liver, lungs and brain. Partly genetic, partly lifestyle and with symptoms that any doctor would have concluded were lifestyle related which is why he didn't seek help - he was trying to address those issues himself and only bother the doctor if they didn't resolve.
So it's a really hard and emotive subject for all concerned.
I'm currently in a position of holding H and W for his mother as he was an only child, and long divorced from his father. She is end stage Alzheimers, unresponsive to a degree, in a care home, muscle contracture in the foetal position, no recognition of people or stimulation for at least five years. In the last three months she has started suffering seizures. This weekend I'm told they are now investigating potential bowel cancer. I am making it clear that she has a DNR and that any investigation is only to determine how any palliative care is administered. Her comfort is to be the only focus, and honestly, I'm willing her to go as quickly and peacefully as she can. She already has no quality of life so if she does have cancer, and I saw what chemo did to my late DM, I will not advocate any treatment bar the highest amount of pain relief possible.
My late DM was diagnosed with ovarian cancer stage 4 after two years of doctors assuming she had IBS and dicking about with the Fodmap diet etc. It was finally picked up in a blood test for HRT to address her tiredness. The first round of chemo bought her about three years. When the tumours started to grow again she was persuaded to try more, and the first lot nearly killed her and put her in hospital for a week. The last six months of her life were devoid of pleasure in food- she couldn't taste it, and she couldn't do activities. Her last month, which I nursed her through at home, we're hell. She only had a syringe driver for the last 24 hours. She wanted to live, but not like that.
I think every case should be considered individually with more flexibility on the part of medics and family to help determine a dignified end when it is inevitable. It seems ludicrous and cruel when someone is clearly terminal and in pain to dither around worrying about "too much morphine" for example. Likewise watching my DP struggle to breathe for two days seems unnecessary when a dose of appropriate drugs might have helped him slip away more peacefully.
My thoughts about disability and premature babies etc - I don't feel I am qualified or have the right to speak for anyone but myself, as these are hypotheticals for which I have no experience or frame of reference. Legislation relating to such personal matters is a huge can of worms and I remain conflicted on assisted dying because while the three situations I have experience of do I think qualify, there are hundreds of different scenarios that are grey areas in my book, and I worry about slippery slopes.
I send love and solidarity to all those grappling with such issues. It's a shitty club to be in.