To start a new relationship

[Greenorblue78]

I am 44F have been widowed for over 10 years and have brought my son up on my own since my husband died - my son is now 20 and studying abroad. I haven’t been in a relationship or even dated since my husband died, as I simply didn’t want to.

Due to inheritances etc I am comfortable and only work part time in an easy but low paying admin position for something to do.

There was a guy at work (he’s recently retired) who was really friendly with everyone, he was very outgoing and kind and everyone liked him.

I suppose you could say that we flirted a bit but as I say he was super friendly and jokey with everyone. He retired from the company at the beginning of December and invited us all to his leaving party/60th birthday party. We had a little kiss and since then we have met up for meals/coffees etc. but they were all platonic. He has now said that he would like us to see each other romantically.

I like him a lot but I’m not sure about the 16 year age gap and if it’s worth changing my quite comfortable but mundane life for him.

Why would you be changing your life? He’s not asked you to marry him. Just go for a drink if you want to, it’s also fine if you don’t want to. You might not like each other after an hour or two!

Some people might say 16 years is too much. I think you’re getting ahead of yourself. You’ve never really met alone yet.

Going for a drink is not changing your life for him. If you go on a date and like him, go on another date. If you don't much care for him after the date, don't go on another one. You're not in a relationship after a couple of meals out.

You won’t be changing anything for him at all at this stage. It’s hard to meet someone you like so I’m for going for it when you do. I hope so much that you don’t mind me asking this… it must have been very hard to be widowed at a young age (I know any age is hard) but it must have been painful. Are you in any way scared to get involved with someone who’s a fair bit older than you in case you really fall for him and it could lead to similar loss again, I’m so sorry for asking but I felt it was worth it to mention it X

You don’t have to change your life for him, but 16 years is a big gap and you are at different stages of life with him just retiring. Is he retiring early due to having a good pension, or is it health related?

Changing your life in a positive way? to get out more and have some fun, go for it, you don't have to suddenly be in a serious relationship.

Thank you for your reply. I don’t mind you asking at all - it was very hard but really easy from a new relationship point of view as I just wasn’t interested and I wanted to focus on my son.

Your point is really interesting and that may be part of it, but I’m also worried about what my son and other family members will say etc as everyone is so used to me being single.

Yes it does sound like I am getting carried away speaking about changing my life, it’s just that even dating would be a major change for me.
I really like him as he is so kind so I suppose half of me was really hoping that we could start seeing each other and the other half was hoping he didn’t ask as 60 does feel a lot older than I am.

He had retired because financially he is able to, no health issues as far as I know.

He's financially comfortable enough to retire at 60 and you're comfortable enough to only work part time for something to do.

I'd say your life stages are pretty similar in that respect, tbh. It's not like you're working 60 hour weeks and still climbing the greasy pole...

16 years as an age gap can be an issue as you get older. There was 19 years between my dad and his second wife but they were very compatible. There's 12 years between my partner and me but we are also very compatible in many ways.

You don't need to tell family or friends about a few dates. Not until you are sure about him and ready to tell them.

I understand that and I totally get why you just focused on your son, I personally would have done exactly the same and I did after a divorce which I know is completely different. I also get that you maybe feel a little self conscious and, oh embarrassed isn’t the right word, maybe just a bit exposed at people knowing you’re dating as it’s been so long, but I genuinely think they might be more concerned at the thought that you’d stay on your own forever, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’d be surprised if your son wasn’t really happy to see you dating again, my son is the same age and I know he often thinks about me being on my own and would love to see me with someone. It sounds daft but when I first start seeing someone, if I can even remember that far back, I always feel really self conscious saying their name to any friends I’d mention them to at first for some reason, I’d rather say ‘that guy’ than use his name because I feel daft… but the feeling soon fades and it just becomes normal. I think, it is so hard to meet someone you like, it’s really hard and if it were me I’d want to give it a try just to see. It’s a little bit exciting!

I think a 16 year gap is pretty significant tbh. It might be fine at 44-60, will it be later? I've read too many posts and threads on this forum about how age gap relationships only seem to 'increase' in age not decrease.

What a lovely reply. Thank you. You’ve hit the nail on the head.

You like him. You enjoy his company. He's only asking to take another step and see where it goes. Why not take it very slowly and see? It might lead somewhere, it might not.
Your son is an adult now, and although he has been the focus of your life, it's time for you to build another kind of life, as your son will. He is naturally moving away as he finds his own life. Don't be afraid to do the same.
It would be such a shame to not find out what your life could be out of fear of what others may say.

Thank you so much. Your last sentence is great advice.

I agree with others, if you like him and have been flirting then why not chance a date or two. Its natural to feel a bit nervous. Stop over thinking the initial stages - it's a good kick start to getting out there

However, I think you are right to have concerns about a serious and long relationship with a retired man when you are so young. A lovely friend of mine 42 married a 60 year old and despite the age difference he seemed young at heart, a good sport and matched her energy. 9 years down the line, her husband has had a couple of health issues and now doesn't want to go on holiday or trips, evenings out or even see family. My friend has just turned 50 and is married to a grumpy man who expects her to chauffeur him around. She introduced me to the term hospice wife.

You are still young and single.

Someone has asked you on a date

If nothing else why not give it a whirl, even if he's not the one its opened you to the idea of finding a partner even if its a low key one who you dont live with.

Or of course you could decide thats not the route you want to go down with him or anyone else

Maybe with your son growing up you now have the mental space to start something new.

If you like this guy, that's great.

If you decide he's not right for you, or if you're not comfortable with the age gap, you could still start exploring meeting new people, adding some romance back into your life. You don't have to stay single for ever just because everyone else is used to it!

I think the age gap is quite big but if you fancy him then maybe give it a go. It may just be indicating that are ready to date again though,

This is a great time, and a great age, to dip your toes in a relationship exactly as you want it. And this is, free of other people's expectations, and entirely in your terms. You're mature, you're free, you're independent, you have a home, friends, a job and a life you love. You are at the perfect point in life to decide to start dating, and besides, setting the standards YOU exactly want for the relationship.

I recommend you to free yourself from dogma and expectations. A relationship does not have to involve living together, it does not have to involve exclusivity, it does not have to involve changing your goals, it definitely should not involve diminishing your life in any way. You are happy single, so you hold all the power. You can build the perfect relationship FOR YOU from its foundations to the roof.

Once you have got used to this idea, the feeling of immense liberation is intoxicating.

So, first step: self-reflection. If you decided to start dating/going into a relationship, how would you want this relationship to be? What kind of man would you want in your life? What traits/behaviours you definitely don't want in your life? Set boundaries and please stick to them. Dating should be fun. A relationship should make your life better and bring you joy. Trust your instincts. Be happy saying no. And saying yes if that's what you want. Feel free to be totally yourself.

Once you decide what you want and don't want... go for it! Love is something to be enjoyed.

Good luck and please come back and tell us! I'm quite excited for you 🤗

Why not try it and see how it goes?

I think you should take it date by date and stop looking ahead. Ask yourself if you want to go for another drink and if the answer is yes, do it. Don't think about where it might lead. Then if you're six months down the road and still wanting to say yes every time, you can start thinking longer term.