To wonder why people only get in touch when they want something?

[strawberrythiefleaf]

Admittedly I'm a bit socially awkward. I've been diagnosed with ADHD (likely on the ASD (Asperger's) spectrum as well) and suffer from anxiety. At times I'm the life of the party and get along great with people when we're out. But my ADHD (out of sight out of mind issue) means I'm awful at keeping in touch. But then when I sit back and think about it none of my friends or acquaintances (such as school mum friends I get on well with, etc) make the effort to get in touch with me directly to message, arrange a play date, a coffee meet up etc after the last time I saw them (usually organised group outing).

I've realised that usually the only time people message me is if they need something. For example:

• My NCT group all met up for coffee every week. We'd have a great time. Never seemed to have any issues with any of them, but then I went back to work after 7 months while the rest of them took the full year off and continued to meet up without me (understandable as I couldn't join during work hours), but then also on weekends, etc. For the most part I became excluded from the group. Often the only times I'd get messages was when one of them wanted something. Wanted to borrow something only I had, or if I could do something for them (one asked me to make her child's first birthday cake). Never to genuinely ask how I'm doing or if I wanted to meet up.

Over the years it's been similar. A 'friend' would message to borrow something, or to pry for information about something or someone.

I clocked on a while ago that one friend was really only looking out for herself and what was in her best interest. She was all about making connections with people if they would benefit her (or the small service oriented business she runs) in some way.

Why do people do this? What makes people feel that it's acceptable to only get in touch with people when they want something or if it's beneficial to them. Is this just how the world works? I think this is also why I'm quite socially awkward and anxious. I never truly know if someone is an actual friend or if they're only speaking to me because they want something.

Apologies for the rant. I'm just quite fed up with it all this evening 😤

Do you make an effort to get in touch with them?

Yes I do, but as mentioned my ADHD makes it very difficult because if someone is not at the forefront of my mind then I often genuinely forget they exist. I was blaming myself quite a lot feeling like a complete friend failure, but then got thinking - well why does no one message me? Why should I have to be the one to send a message?

Then my mind and anxiety go into overdrive and I think well it must be because they don't like me, or because they think I'm a flake, or maybe they don't like my child, or they're too busy hanging out with the other 'friends' in our groups.

I get the whole "out of sight" thing as I am autistic. But I still make an effort to contact people, albeit infrequently. And, luckily, I have a small group of friends who get me. So no, I don't score points overanalyzing who contacts whom all the time. If I want to speak to someone, I get in touch. I don't care if I am the only person getting in touch because I know how it can happen - the same way it happens to you and I i.e. out of sight, out of mind.

People have busy and overwhelming lives.
Some are good at contacting and some are not.
I also have adhd.
It’s ok to diarise to contact ppl to say let’s meet up or how are you? Etc. If you want friendships and you are working that’s probably what you need to do.
People can often think you are too busy or not interested if you don’t make the effort.
In my experience you are the one that has to make the effort. You can expect others too.

Relationships can be transactional at times. It's normal for friendships.

I have a friend who thinks she has ADHD and talks about how she's rubbish at replying or contacting people and then gets upset when people don't turn up to things she invites them to, like parties or whatever.

Relationships take effort, and if you have ADHD you need to find a way to manage it, acknowledge you need to put effort into relationships and then something about it. It's not an excuse. We're all busy and have our issues

People nowadays are alot more selfish IMO. It's not you, most people are just shitty

If it's "out of sight out of mind" you don't contact people. How do you expect them to behave?

OP are you sure they are friends and not acquaintances? It's normal to have people you really get on with but not be in touch with - I wouldn't class them as 'friends' per se.

There are people that have been consistent in a certain period in my life, but once that chapter was over (think moving jobs, locations, leaving school etc), they are now just 'Facebook friends'.

When I see those people pop up on my phone I know they want my (work) discount and immediately roll my eyes haha so I know what you mean!

I've got ADHD and I'm Autistic, so I absolutely get the 'out of sight, out of mind' thing, but that means that I have to push myself to stay in touch with the people I carr about/want to be in touch with.

I can't answer for your NCT friends, who are a bit different, I think, because of how the group dynamic will have changed without you, but I used to be a bit like this, until someone called me out on it and I was very upset because I hadn't been intending to be a transactional friend at all. In my case it was insecurity in my friendships, which made me feel I had to have a reason to get in touch, because I wasn't sure if my contact would be welcome otherwise. In turn, that made me think about why my friendships left me feeling insecure, and I ended up concluding that actually my friends weren't as nice as friends ought to be.

Nowadays I have a small circle of lovely friends, in fact I'd be lost without them, and touch base with them regularly and they with me. No one keeps a tally of who contacted who last or how often, and if I wasn't in touch for a while my friends would worry, not get huffy. Maybe you just need new friends, OP.

I'm autistic too btw and I think that's a bit of a myth/excuse tbh but everyone's different, I guess.

I hear you OP. I have realised that I'm a mug because people tend to call me when they need info/childcare etc. I have always helped out when I could. Especially one person who I thought was my friend (I was there for her when her dad died, helped her with groceries and even cleaning up. Used to look after her dd often after school since she was with my son. We talked often. Well, come secondary school and they're not in the same school and I was dumped. She has a new "bestie" mum in her school who has a car and can pick up her dd so convenient. She's still friendly when we run into each other but it's night and day. I do feel hurt because I thought she was a decent person and that she appreciated spending time with me but I was just useful to her when she needed me. Fortunately I have got 2 other real friends in my life who call just to ask for a meetup or to talk. I will definitely be more careful in the future..