Missing work do

[FreshStart2025]

My work are taking everyone away midweek for 3 nights, the whole team is going. I’m a single parent with 4 children. I have no family except my elderly parent who has health problems and lives 3 hours away and my brother who works full time, doesn’t live locally and has his own children. I have no contact with my ex and we stick with the court ordered childcare arrangements. I’m worried that it’s going to look bad if I miss the trip but other than trying to separate them all and get local friends to look after them (which I feel is a big ask), I’m not sure what I can do.

YABU - You need to find a way to go on the trip.
YANBU - It’s ok not to go, they should understand

what would you do?

You have no childcare. So you can't go. Its not going to make you look bad. That's just life x

There's nothing you can do. Any decent employer will understand family is priority.

It does sort of depend if it is mainly a jolly, or if work would be done as to how far I'd go to try to get childcare. If it would make a difference maybe a temp nanny? If it's a jolly and they are ok with you skipping it though, don't stress! Only you can judge that.

Your work has little regard for family life if in any way they look down on you.

Unfortunately as a single parent with 4 children, definitely can’t afford a temp nanny. It is only a jolly. Just hate being “that” person who always says no. Like you say though, such is life! My children are my priority.

💯 ok to skip.

Fine to skip! Twice a year I have to go off to the US for dept meet and when the kids were little it was an effort even with DP here to look after them.
even some more local colleagues had to skip it shorten their time at the meets.
if you can’t then you can’t.

Is it far away? If it's not too far could you go during normal working hours and go home for the evening/nights? Or join some seminars online?
It would be totally unreasonable to expect you to find childcare for 3 days otherwise in your circumstances.

It’s overseas!

Unless you work somewhere very odd, there's no way will you be the only one with responsibilities you cannot just leave for 3 days.

Definitely not doable then. It's a bit presumptuous expecting you would necessarily even have a passport or the freedom to go.

Unless this was something that was part of your contractual obligations or you agreed at interview etc this isn't doable and a polite decline is all that's needed

I think it's absolutely fine to not go. Your own personal circumstances just don't allow for it and that's ok. It's a shame the children's father isn't a decent enough man that you could ask him to have his children for a few days 🙁

No, say that you can't go because of childcare and that there is no way around it.

Donning hard hat here....
I would say that in certain jobs, an annual meeting is the norm and whilst there will be a jolly element to it, it should be defining the strategy for the year ahead for example. And owning a passport in these sorts of roles is the norm.
I would say it depends on the age of the kids. If they're very young no way can you attend. Tweens/teens, you've possibly got relationships with parents of their friends who would support you: it's a big ask but I'd do it from age 7 upwards in this circumstance.
But ultimately if you're a good worker and contribute and achieve, when you say you can't do something, your boss should appreciate that you can't.

As others have said, it depends on the ages, if 8 and up they could potentially stay with friends, if your kids are younger thats a much bigger ask.

Could you ask their Dad, or is he going to say no just to spite you?

If you can't go, you can't go, but maybe look at getting an au pair to give you more flexibility in future.