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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my children to play in their own house once in a while??

18 replies

fartmeistergeneral · 06/05/2008 11:04

Here is situation.

We moved in about 2 1/2 years ago, and there is a boy across the street who my kids (9 & 7) knew anyway from school. Well, that summer holiday was great, the three of them and others in the street played every day, in our house and in their house and all over the place. That continued for 2 years a good while, but towards the end of last year the boy stopped coming up to our house, yet phoned all the time to ask if my boys could go down, which they have been doing.

This year, things became a bit of a joke. He'd phone (my boys have never phoned him, only because they never phone anyone), my boys would go down at say, 10am on a Saturday, I'd call them up for lunch and he'd phone, they'd go back down until tea time. Now, I don't have a problem with that as such, but I think they need to take turns. If we allowed this to continue, this would happen every Saturday and Sunday, and the summer holidays ..... - we'd never see our own children!!!

What was happening was, he would phone here about 10-12 times a day and every time I'd say - the boys are playing up here today, please do come up, you are more than welcome. OR, please come up, the boys are asking you to! He'd say "OK" and then never come up. He'd phone 10 minutes later to ask again if they'd come down and this would go on and on.

My husband has decided enough is enough and has banned them from going down until he comes up. He continued phoning with us asking him to come up (and also the boys asking him to), he says OK, and then that's it til the next phone call.

Anyway, he's stopped phoning. BUT, his dad was very rude to my husband recently, and I don't want this to be a big deal. I don't want it to escalate.

The thing is, I know he's a shy boy. BUT, he used to come up here quite happily and nothing has changed that I can see except he obviously prefers playing in his own house. My boys have their own rooms and own toys, and I think it's only fair that their friends come over here once in a while.

The summer hols are approaching and fun could be had by all, but by the looks of it they are not going to see each other AT ALL!! BUT, I don't want to not see my own children day after day after day.

Classic example to finish (sorry so long). My boys were playing in the driveway one weekend. The other boy was down the street playing with his football. I saw him look up, see the boys, then he disappeared into his house. The phone rings - 'can they come down and play'!!!! Aaagh!!!

AIBU to expect him to take turns??

OP posts:
cornsilk · 06/05/2008 11:09

No they should take turns, it's not healthy for the other boy to stay in his own house all the time. Stick to your guns.

fartmeistergeneral · 06/05/2008 11:11

Oh thank goodness someone agrees. I was wondering if I was being petty, especially with his dad's reaction to my husband. I feel for my sons that they don't have him to play with now (although they haven't exactly cried buckets, and have each other TBH).

Thanks!

OP posts:
vbacqueen1 · 06/05/2008 11:11

Have you had a quiet word with his mum about it?

GooseyLoosey · 06/05/2008 11:12

Its a little odd. Have you thought of talking to his parents and telling them how much you would like him to come around to your house to play and how guilty you feel that your children are at his house all of the time (not true I know, but might be easier if you don't get on with him).

fartmeistergeneral · 06/05/2008 11:13

Well, no, but I think I can. We get on quite well although not a 'friend' as such. She still smiles and waves when I see her. Maybe I should.....

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 06/05/2008 11:13

Sorry, that should have been "don't get on with them" ie his parents.

cornsilk · 06/05/2008 11:15

Why not organise something fun like a picnic or a water gun party so he has to come.

annh · 06/05/2008 11:15

Did his dad have words with your dh about this play issue or was it about something else? Do you think there is something going on with his dad - perhaps he has been banned from playing at other people's houses for some reason? Does he play at anyone else's house? Agree that having a word with his mum might help.

fartmeistergeneral · 06/05/2008 11:17

GooseyLoosey. That was the angle I was going to take, that I didn't want my kids taking up all their time constantly etc. His mum did say to me ages ago that he was stubborn, and if he didn't want to do something, then he wouldn't do it. This was long before all this started. He's horrifically shy, I know this, he used to stop talking whenever I came into the room, but I can't help thinking - get a grip (I have a shy boy myself, but at least he is able to actually go into other people's houses!!!)

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 06/05/2008 11:17

I would speak to the mum.
It sounds a bit strange to me and maybe it would be good for the boy to get out of his house!
Did anything happen the last time he visited you that would put him off?

cornsilk · 06/05/2008 11:20

My ds would rather be at his own house than anywhere else and sometimes won't go to his friends, but we usually talk him round. He's been assessed as being at 'high risk' of having aspergers. Could this boy have a similar type of problem do you think?

GooseyLoosey · 06/05/2008 11:20

Go for it with the mother then. Maybe you could ask her around for coffee at the same time to help him overcome his shyness.

fartmeistergeneral · 06/05/2008 11:21

Annh, I don't think he's been banned from coming here - don't know if he goes to anyone else's house. I think it's a simple case that he wants to play in his own house, much more secure for him (he doesn't have to deal with me and my husband talking to him, not that we ever did much anyway, due to his inability to talk to us) and he's determined to get his own way.

The think with his dad and my dh. Well, I think from his dad's point of view, his son phones here and wants to play with my sons, and then comes off the phone and says to him 'their mum said no' - as opposed to telling his dad that I'm constantly asking him up here. So his dad is probably pissed off with us for not letting our children go and play with his son. He's quite a grumpy old git anyway. Hangs up the phone without saying goodbye etc - I hate that!!

OP posts:
fartmeistergeneral · 06/05/2008 11:24

Cornsilk. I think it's pure shyness. He's part of triplets, has two sisters, one in particular is hugely confident (we joke that she sits with adults having a cappuccino and a fag), the other one 'normally' confident I would say. He's obviously a bit dominated by them.

My boys went to his birthday party, and when it came to giving thank you card for their presents....his two sisters came up with it instead!!!! The boy and the sisters had separate parties so my boys hadn't even given them a present!!!

OP posts:
cornsilk · 06/05/2008 11:27

Triplets! You'd think his mum would be packing him off to yours with his sleeping bag!

fartmeistergeneral · 06/05/2008 12:55

I know!!!! This shows how much things have changed....he did once actually come for a sleepover.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 06/05/2008 13:03

I don't want to raise demons that might not exist but might the parents have a question mark in their heads about your home as a suitable environment for their son?

I've banned mine from going to play at the house of one little girl because of her utterly vile older brother and his unsavoury friends. He has been excluded from school for behaviour/drugtaking, his language is awful, he answers the door with his hand down his crotch, his friends hang around the house indulging in underage sex and drinking (the parents shrug). It's a wealthy family with curious standards and I absolutely do not want my children exposed to that sort of behaviour.

I'm sure that's not the case here but could there be a ban arising from some sort of misunderstanding? Worth chatting to the parents to clear something up maybe?

fartmeistergeneral · 06/05/2008 13:10

Oh my! I hope not!!! I am a slovenly housewife mind you....

It may be our dog and cat??? But, he hung around our house for so long with no obvious fear (I guess children would find it hard to hide fear of animals, bound to jump or tense up, but there was definitely none of that).

The girls seem to be allowed to come up, albeit to drop off Christmas presents, the thank you note I mentioned earlier.

OP posts:
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