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AIBU?

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Original poster

My husband says I’m selfish for being afraid of the dark-

27 replies

Zimp · 21/01/2025 10:17

In the middle of the night last night I got up to my crying 5 year old. The corridor light which is normally on, was off so I turned it back on, leaving it on at its (usual) dimmest level.

I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from repeated adverse childhood experiences and have always slept with the light on. My husband knew this when we met has never raised this as a problem. He knows that I have horrendous nightmares.

Last night, when I got back from putting her back to sleep, he demanded I put the hallway light off, yelling ‘you’re Selfish, F*ing Selfish!’ over and over again.

Am I going mad, or is this unkind and horrible behaviour from someone who supposedly loves me?

OP posts:
BobbiJo · 21/01/2025 10:24

Sounds like he's the selfish one.

Sounds like he accepted things fine, now all of a sudden doesn't.. now you've a young child.

I wonder, has anything else become an issue since child was born that wasn't an issue before child was born. Think back over the 5 years..

SoftPillow · 21/01/2025 10:29

There is something about being woken in the middle of the night which makes rational people irrational.

I would speak to him calmly about it today and you might hopefully get a different picture from him.

Did you shut your bedroom door so the light didn’t startle him? Could you buy some plug in nightlights? We use these to provide low level lighting in the night, enough to safely find the bathroom or sort most issues, but they don’t wake anyone up.

I’m sorry about your childhood experiences.

Hopefully this was a middle of the night one off from your DH.

SilenceInside · 21/01/2025 10:29

Yes its appallingly unkind and horrible behaviour from anyone let alone someone you're in a relationship with. That's abusive and intimidating behaviour.

If he has an issue with the lighting, he needs to discuss it with you appropriately. So not in the middle of the night after settling your 5 year old, but when you've got time to discuss it. And then discuss it calmly and with respect.

CrestWhite · 21/01/2025 10:29

Does he normally act like that? People can be uncharacteristically arsey if awoken in the night. Maybe a sleep mask is the way forward.

SilenceInside · 21/01/2025 10:30

I hope he's apologised to you and isn't now giving you the cold shoulder, or continuing with his angry behaviour. He was in the wrong, entirely.

JandamiHash · 21/01/2025 10:32

Does he sleep in the corridor? Bit OTT of him if not. Tell him to buy an eye mask if a slip of light makes him have a man tantrum.

If not he should have said “thanks for taking that wake up, I’ll do the next one”. Anything else makes him a bit of a cunt actually.

Mrsttcno1 · 21/01/2025 10:38

CrestWhite · 21/01/2025 10:29

Does he normally act like that? People can be uncharacteristically arsey if awoken in the night. Maybe a sleep mask is the way forward.

This is exactly what I was going to say, if he’s not usually like this. Hence why we decided on the “anything said in the middle of the night doesn’t count” rule when we were deep in the newborn trenches.

2JFDIYOLO · 21/01/2025 10:45

Was he fully awake? Being suddenly woken up can cause strange behaviour not fully in control.

Had he been suffering broken sleep, maybe needing to be up early and well rested for work, and was at the end of his tether, the last straw?

Or is he a bit of a shit?

Only you know.

DaisyChain505 · 21/01/2025 10:46

People can be really irrational when woken in the night.

Have a calm conversation about it in the day time and explain that it hurt your feelings given that he knows all about your past.

I understand you needing the light on to cross the hallway to get to your DC bedroom but would it be possible to turn it back off once you’re back in your room?

Nespressso · 21/01/2025 10:49

Depends on whether he was awake/ meant it etc

I’ve had full conversations with my husband in the night that he doesn’t remotely remember in the morning, and vice versa.

you should get a plug in night light for the landing.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 21/01/2025 10:49

@Zimp surely, if you have a 5 year old, you would leave the light on anyway in case the child got up to use the toilet in the middle of the night??

PickledElectricity · 21/01/2025 10:53

I can see why you feel that way but I'm guessing he's at the end of his tether. Kindly op most people sleep best in the dark and light disturbs them. I've wanted to murder my DP in the night when he wakes me up by snoring, which isn't something he can help much either.

Do you need the whole hallway lit? Would a low level light on the skirting board not do the trick too?

UnderFadedSkies · 21/01/2025 10:54

If my DP shouted and swore at me, for any reason other than some kind of catastrophe, he would’ve been marched out the front door right then and there with his stuff, not to return. I have a zero-tolerance policy for abusive behaviour or language in my household, and some might call it dramatic, but those are my boundaries as someone who grew up with DV and abuse.

You are well within your rights to be upset and make it clear it is unacceptable behaviour within a loving relationship.

SilenceInside · 21/01/2025 10:55

Even if he's "at the end of his tether" repeatedly yelling and swearing at someone is not normal or acceptable. Even he was half asleep, and grumpy about being woken up, it's not acceptable.

Whether or not the OP has the hallway light on is not the actual issue here.

user1480154707 · 21/01/2025 10:58

Horrible behaviour from him

JHound · 21/01/2025 11:00

Am I going mad, or is this unkind and horrible behaviour from someone who supposedly loves me

Nope you are not going mad. He is treating you awfully - especially for a condition you have no control over. And one that he knew about since you first started dating.

SpringleDingle · 21/01/2025 11:00

Was he awake? I apparently told my partner off for coming to bed late the other night. I remember nothing and was obviously not fully awake. I wasn't mean though!

JHound · 21/01/2025 11:01

BobbiJo · 21/01/2025 10:24

Sounds like he's the selfish one.

Sounds like he accepted things fine, now all of a sudden doesn't.. now you've a young child.

I wonder, has anything else become an issue since child was born that wasn't an issue before child was born. Think back over the 5 years..

I think you are suggesting what I am thinking…..he waited till she was sufficiently trapped to start to show his true colours.

purplecorkheart · 21/01/2025 11:02

Was he actually fully awake or was he still half asleep. Have a calm chat with him this morning.

SometimesCalmPerson · 21/01/2025 11:03

People don’t react well in the middle of the night when they’re tired so I wouldn’t turn this into a drama.

Most people wouldn’t want a light on in the middle of the night so if this is affecting him more than just this one off, I think it is selfish if you do nothing to address your fear.

SilenceInside · 21/01/2025 11:07

"he demanded I put the hallway light off, yelling ‘you’re Selfish, F*ing Selfish!’ over and over again."

Doesn't sound like he was half asleep from this description. Can't believe how many people are prepared to gloss over the repeated yelling and swearing because they also think the OP was unreasonable for having the hallway light on dimmed, and they think that this man's response was reasonable or justified!

Stillplodding · 21/01/2025 11:09

Like other posters, I think that people can snap and say thinks they wouldn't normally if woken suddenly and still half asleep.

Taking that into account, what's the bedroom set up? Does he sleep facing the door? Did you close the bedroom door behind you or leave it open as you turned the light on?

Whilst obviously what he said in that moment was horrid, I can't hand on heart think I might have thought, if not outright said, similar if I'd been woken in the night but someone putting the light on and making no attempt to try not to disturb the sleeping partner.

More to the point would be what is your relationship like generally? Has he ever said similar in normal circumstances? Only you can answer that. If it were a one off and out of character to his normal behaviour then I would let it lie, but me more careful next time about shutting the bedroom door before putting the hallway light on.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 21/01/2025 11:13

He's way out of order to shout and swear at you, but have you asked him in a calmer moment what is going on, and what the problem is for him when the light is on at night? Maybe it's OK if it's on all night with the bedroom door partly closed, but last night you woke him up by switching it on with the bedroom door open.
I get angry and upset if my DH turns on the landing light when I'm asleep because it wakes me up with a horrible start, so although I don't condone the shouting, I can understand that it might be an unpleasant experience for your DH.
If so, there will be an easy solution such as making sure that you almost-close the bedroom door before switching on the corridor light.

FamilyPhoto · 21/01/2025 11:23

Im so sorry he shouted at you.
I stay with a family member every couple of months who leaves her landing light on overnight and has half lights above the bedroom doors. I like full dark to sleep. So I use a sleep mask. Thats what your DH should do.

BunnyLake · 21/01/2025 11:24

I’m not defending him but if this is a one-off and not his normal behaviour it really could have been a moment of irrational anger or frustration we get when woken at a particular time in our sleep (I’m guessing the deep sleep). People can become very growly in that moment.

I’m so sorry to hear of your past traumas so I sincerely hope this was just a one-off.

Can you close the door (not completely, just slightly ajar?)