To put my child in nursery instead of with grandparents?

[Summersun91]

Interested to hear outside views on this. DH’s parents separated when he was young and remarried, so DS (18months) has 3 sets of grandparents, all retired. He spends one day a week with my parents and one day a week with one of DH’s parents. DH recently told his parents that we were putting DS in nursery for their day. It’s just too much stress and hassle that we don’t need. (To be clear it was DH’s decision).

Understandably they are upset, and also annoyed that my parents still get to see him.

From the beginning MIL said she wanted to look after DS alternative weeks. Turns out what she meant by this was she wanted to go on 6 week holidays to Spain and look after DS for a few days in between, expecting FIL to do the days she goes away. FIL seems to be ok with this (although doesn’t have any other option), but as MIL and FIL don’t speak to each other this has to be managed through DH, who has to coordinate his parents requests every few months to draw up a schedule which causes him stress.

Every week we then have to co-ordinate where the travel cot and buggy are, then take them (plus change bag, breakfast, lunch and DS) round to one of their houses. We also had to take a bag of toys each week to MIL’s house until we realised she wasn’t going to get any toys (she lives 5 mins walk from charity shops) so we bought some for her to keep. So a lot of equipment plus we can’t walk with all that stuff so have to drive.

DH tells them every week that DS naps at 1ish. Both parents seem incapable of a) remembering this and b) putting it into practice. Last time at MIL’s he had a nap in the morning, then between 3 and 4 in the afternoon (bedtime is 7, although obviously wasn’t that day…). FIL initially refused our offers of a cot or travel cot saying he didn’t need them, and instead lets DS fall asleep on the way home from doing their shopping at Asda so he has 10mins nap in the morning and no nap in the afternoon. He is then obviously tired and cranky when we pick him up. We’ve recently forced the travel cot on FIL but the naps haven’t improved yet.

We recently found out that MIL only changes nappies when DS has pooed (so sometimes only once a day). Yet has complained the nappies we gave her are too small and they leak.

The first five weeks that FIL was due to look after DS he cancelled 3 times. Once because FIL’s MIL was in hospital, once at 7.35am when we were out of the door on the way to his house because his wife was ill. Has been ok since but we still have a fear about their reliability.

So in summary, we’ve had enough of the stress and hassle as nursery is far easier, and in some areas better for DS. Obviously, I realise FIL and MIL will not spend as much time with DS and I am sad for them, but we’ve given the current arrangement 6 months and it’s not any better.
Thoughts?

Your priority is your ds who is not being cared for well with mil and fil. They get shorter spells so ds doesn't suffer, end of story.

The summary/back story doesn’t matter. Your child, if nursery works best for your family YANBU.

Good grief: if your DC isn’t getting a nappy change or naps, and you’re having to run round after your PIL who have demonstrated that they are unreliable, I would have thought that nursery was the obvious (and easy) solution! Perhaps you need to reassure your PIL that they will still see your DC - but really, in your situation, nursery would be a no-brainer.

That sounds far to stressful

I couldn’t cope with that either. Would drive me insane!

would try and see them at the weekends etc but just say he and you needs the. consistency and routine that structured nursery hours can provide.

I think you’ve given enough reasons why it’s not working at present, it shouldn’t be this hard asking GP to look after your DC.

YANBU at all, you need reliable childcare that you can trust. Maybe your ILs will be a bit better at this stuff when DS is older - so they could help out by taking him for a couple of days during the school holidays in a few years' time? They can still have a lovely relationship.

If you want to smooth things over, you could give some excuse e.g. DS needs to be in EYFS early in order to get into the preschool place you want, or HV has said nursery will help with his language and communication, etc.

I would never rely on grandparents for regular childcare. You’ll have no backup if the GP are ill or want to take a holiday. A nursery gives your DC consistent care and leaves you with less GP drama in your life.

I can't believe they don't change a wet nappy! YANBU - at least he will have a basic standard of care at nursery.

They sound useless and unreliable. I'm a grandparent and have looked after my grandchild from the age of 1( now 10). I bought my own car seat, travel cot, toys( many from charity shops), nappies, changing mat, wipes etc( same ones as parents used), spare clothes, feeding equipment, basically everything that would be needed by a child, to make it easy for the parents, and have continued to do so over the years. I collect my grandchild and take her back to my house. I would also have adhered to nap times.
Why do you have to supply food, can't they provide the right meals?
I also only committed to doing childcare that I could do every week. Parents need to be able to rely on regular childcare, not an ad hoc arrangement.
I wouldn't blame you for using nursery instead, if MIL is upset she's only got herself to blame.

Difficult one, the equipment situation could be sorted out easily that would remove some of the stress. Personally, I preferred close family caring for my two rather than a nursery setting. I think I would speak to MIL/FIL and have a conversation about it, ask if it’s too much for him/her etc. explain fully that you need the usual routine for your child. And see if you can come to an agreement. If you just remove your child and put them in a nursery it could cause a rift. Nursery places are often difficult to come by and are quite expensive, have you checked if there are places? is this your first child? If you want another could you afford two in nursery? (I had a very close gap!) Just points to consider. You need to do what is best for you OP. Good luck.

We opted for paid childcare over family offers. For a few reasons:

• Nurseries are obligated to provide some sort of education. sometbing GPs just couldn’t (and shouldn’t have to)
• 2-3 years required childcare could mean a huge difference in the health of the GPs. We didnt want to be in a position where we had to find last minute childcare because a GP became ill
• Didnt want to put pressure on GPs, and they’re the type to say nothing if they’re struggling
• Having to sort alternative childcare when GPs went on holiday or were unavailable

Thanks all for your comments, they are very reassuring. We felt like we were making the right decision but then I’ve just been panicking that we are being a bit selfish to take DS away from grandparents. And also I only have my parents for comparison who do a great job (have toys, cot, bibs, provide food etc. as PP says) and also do fun things with him (soft play, day trips…). So I wasn’t sure if maybe our expectations of grandparents were unreasonable!

@takealettermsjones thanks yes this is what I thought, when he’s at school they can pick him up and take him home for dinner (as long as I don’t have to provide his dinner!).

We did try to say we’re getting the extra free hours so taking the extra day in nursery, but they both asked if they can alternate with my parents instead. It is difficult to know how far to explain we are not happy with the the whole situation without offending them too much!

Less drama, yes this is how I want my life to be!

Thank you, this is what I would hope for from a grandparent and you sound lovely!

We sent him with food at the beginning as a transition so they knew what kind of things he ate (no specific dietary requirements) but now it’s just expected.

Thank you. Yes you are right, we could purchase more equipment - the reason we haven’t is because he’s been on the nursery waiting list for 5 months (so 1 month after this childcare arrangement started) and we didn’t realise it would be that long a wait! We do now have a confirmed place, and DS gets more free hours when he is 2 so it shouldn’t cost us much.

I agree that it would also have been an option to speak to them to resolve a bit better, but as it’s DH’s parents I left that choice to him, and he feels like he’s given them enough chances with the naps every week!

Please do!!!!!! Dpil wanted to look after dd but it was so stressful. It took me a year to get out of it best decision ever to put dd in nursery rather than grandparents. I have about 100 very good reasons why it wasn't working with her grandparents. Every situation is different. Taking dd out in a car seat designed for a 4 year old and using coats to stuff around her, coming back to find everything had been moved in the house, refusal to go to the the playgroup dd loved going to...I won't share the reason why as it's a horrible reason.

Whilst a lot less annoying than your ILs, these reasons are why our son is in nursery, not with either set of grandparents, at the very least until he has dropped naps entirely and can speak up about being hungry etc.

Both sides are too opinionated about too many things, and negligent in others.

We limit care to times where they can't mess up the nap or more than one meal/not more than one normal nappy period.

@Summersun91 sounds like you are doing everything right, and I agree let DH deal with his parents. Just check that the nursery cost is affordable, daily consumables (nappies, wipe, food) etc can vary widely depending on the nursery, if that’s what you decide to do. I would have thought that both sets of grandparents would have bought a set of equipment for baby, rather than you have to move it around tbh.

How can you think that you might be unreasonable to stop your child being cared for by someone who never changes a nappy unless they've done a poo? Some babies don't poo every day, so your MIL would leave that baby all day without changing a nappy. That falls into the category of neglect in my opinion.

Add to that the stress for your DH of having to draw up a schedule of care between two people that won't speak to each other and it is crystal clear that nursery is the best option.

It all piles up into little bits of difference too, doesn't it?

I changed my son's nappy before his nap so he's comfortable during it. And before we go out so he can roam around and not need to be dragged to a cafe.

I eat with him and put him in his high chair, I don't have anything too exciting/distracting and don't have my phone out, and I make sure his food is spaced enough so he eats properly and doesn't get hangry. My parents seem to think he can pick at bits from my lunch, and ILs sit with him on their laps in front of the telly with lots of toys around and go, "oh, he's not hungry!" when he doesn't eat.

In other words, all those tiny bits of care that keep him nurtured and happy all day. Grandparents act like he just wants me because he's clingy, but usually I get the sense it's because he wants something he's not being given!