When to try for second child

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I’m 37 and have an 18-month-old little girl who means everything to me. My husband and I have just bought our dream house, but it needs a lot of work. It’ll take two years and a lot of money before it’s livable.
I’m finally starting to feel like myself again after giving birth and would love to give my daughter a sibling. But I’m worried about being out of work for a year, having less money, and managing a pregnancy while dealing with the stress of renovating the house.
At the same time, I know how much my daughter loves being around other kids—she’s so social—and I feel selfish delaying it. There’s also my age to think about. If I wait another year to try, I’ll be 38, almost 40
Am I over thinking things and everything has a way of working out? Or am I right to over think things as having a baby, trying to save for a renovation and being out of work are all very stressful events?

Definitely wise to plan so that it's not lots of stress all at once. I found a 3 year gap between children amazing

At 37 I’d be trying asap, definitely not after the renovation

Hmmm tricky one but on balance I'd try now even if the circumstances aren't ideal. Unfortunately every year in your mid to late 30s does count. How long did it take to conceive your Dd?

@Eenameenadeeka I don't think I cope very well with stress and this is why I'm thinking I should wait but as @Zanatdy said I don't have age on my side and worried if I delay I may struggle.

fell pregnant within 3 months with my DD and that was once after following the flo app to see which day I was overulating

I think an age gap is a personal thing but we have a small gap (23 months) and whilst it's been really hard (emotional and financially) I wouldn't have wanted a larger gap. They're already great friends. My eldest starts school in September so we're seeing light at the end of the tunnel in terms of childcare costs. Also seen a lot of people suffer secondary infertility so I wouldn't put it off if you definitely want a second.

Fell pregnant first cycle at 34 with my DD

4.5 years of trying and 2 failed rounds of self funded IVF finally had #2 at 39

No guarantee at all it will be as easy second time around

We had a newborn and a 2yr old whilst doing an enormous whole house renovation. husband also worked crazy shifts back then. I took two periods of mat leave very close together and we were completely skint. We also moved home when I was very close to term, and started the renovation with a newborn. It was tough.
I had just turned 38 when I got pregnant with my second. It was the right decision, as I got pregnant very quickly with the first two, but then could not conceive when we tried for a third soon after, as entered perimeno and it never happened a third time. I wouldn’t wait. But I’m very good at juggling / coping.

I cant advise on the second child as I only have the one. However, we renovated the whole house (we bought a doer upper) when DD was young and the biggest challenge was living in a house whilst installing the new kitchen and bathroom. The renovations in the other bedrooms although difficult were managable because at least you could use your loo and cook a meal.

If it was me, I would invest in what is urgently needs to be done (like a bathroom ot kitchen or electrical / pumbing work), and then crack on TTC. Stuff like living room wallpaper, doors etc are probably not that important when you have more pressing matters.

I would be trying now tbh
I had my 2nd at 36 and I'm absolutely shattered.

Some great perspectives.
We wouldn't need to move into our new house until it was ready so that's a plus the only issue is living off one wage with a huge renovation to do, it's going to cost 100k+ and my worry is that it's going to take longer if I'm out of work. Ideally my plan was to move into the house before my daughter starts infants which would be in September 2027 but if I had another baby we have to delay this.

How much do you want a second? If that is your priority, I wouldn't wait until 2027 personally. If you are more 'we'll see what happens', then go easier on yourself for now, prioritise sorting the house and spending time with your DC and decide whether to try for another one later.

I really want a second and then we would be done.
I'm so confused with what to do! I'd like to add we still haven't completed so haven't even started the renovations.

If you won’t be living in the house until it’s ready then that’s a big plus, just the money side but I think its worth trying to manage that financially and having a smaller age gap. I have 11yrs between 1-2, and 3.5yrs between 2-3. Ideally I’d have had around 2-2.5yrs between 2-3.

I conceived my first relatively easy. It then took 6 years and 4 miscarriages to conceive my 2nd child… who was born when I was 39. I’d start trying straight away - everyone is different but you just don’t know how things might go.

I had a two year gap which was lovely. Obviously there's no guarantee they will get on but if you are going for them being friends/similar stages I'd say a 2 or 3 year gap works well

I would try straight away if you definitely want another baby OP. Renovations always take longer & cost more than you think in my experience. It is stressful and time consuming renovating, are you sure this is what you want? As a PP said, sometimes second babies take longer to conceive. I had two under two, and that was right for me. We moved to a house that needed renovation when my DS2 was 7mths, and just did the work gradually, the house was liveable but typical ‘80 style that needed an upgrade. It was a lovely family home for nearly 18years. I definitely wouldn’t delay having a baby at 37 over a house. Good luck.

At 37 you haven't got time on your side but also you can probably afford to wait 6 months, and then assuming it takes a few months to get pregnant and a 9 month pregnancy that's almost 2 years.
We have a 3.5 year age gap which is great in a lot of ways, I was only 33 having my second though.

@user2848502016 thanks as this is exactly what I was thinking of doing. I if I come off contraception in may and then actively start trying for a baby in July. I would have a better idea where we are with the house renovation and how much it is going to cost. Thanks everyone for your advice, really had me thinking all morning

Agree. I had 3 miscarriages before number 2 arrived, I was the same age as you.

Baby2 arrived and we did up the house while I was on Mat Leave (back to brick, new kitchen, bathroom, new roof, redecorating throughout, new flooring, new wall and creating an extra room).

I'm so glad we did the house renovation before baby was mobile!!! And it was useful to have one of us (me or DH) around to receive deliveries, contractors and answer the million and one questions they expect you to have answers to yesterday. We had great communication with our builders and they were very family friendly - they adored our two small kids (who were just 3 years and the other 6months at the time) and really helped the whole process have as little disruption to family life as possible. They tidied up and put everything away at the end of the day, made sure we had heating and hot water overnight in one form or another, and were instantly on hand when we had a power cut and the utilities network had to unplug us and couldn't put us back on the grid without the electrician, well after bedtime - hey all came out to help. They were graceful when my 3yo had enough and screamed and threw things at them, and engaged the 3yo in special 'jobs' to help them feel involved, repaired their toys when they inevitably got broken through 4yo tantrums at the builders. It was tough at the time but I would absolutely not fancy doing it with a preschooler and a toddler.

If I were you I'd start TTC if that's definitely what you want and worry about the reno later when you know where you are.

Good luck

If you're not certain it's time, wait. There are many people who rush headlong into a second because it's the done thing, they want to 'give their child a sibling' (you can't give a human to another human), and then end up in above their heads, struggling rather than thriving, both kids suffer and the wellbeing of the parents and even the relationship is harmed. Quite a few people split due to the pressures of a second.

From what you've described, I would wait. It's a whole new human being you're thinking of creating. They deserve to be brought into the family at a time when you're all ready. If you're someone who doesn't cope well with stress I think renovation, finances, newborn plus toddler, is going to be pretty rough.

I conceived first cycle at 33 and 35. Now about to turn 37 and we are on to cycle 3 already. I wouldn't wait.

Have you got the money for the renovation? Or are you thinking it will take longer because you need to earn the money to fund it as you go along?

We have just had work done on our house while I was on maternity leave and honestly we can't imagine how we'd have done it if we'd both been at work full time. Even when paying someone else to manage the whole project, there were loads of queries and things we had to sort, decisions to make, etc, and it was so useful to have the time and flexibility to just deal with it. Having said that, it wasn't the whole house, and we had an 'easy' baby...

@ChaosAndCuddlesAndTeacups your builders sounded like an absolute dream!

@BarnacleBeasley we would have some money to start the renovations but would need to review as we go along, and likely take breaks if we run out of money. My husband plans to do a lot of the work himself too, but we require an extension and walls taken down, new kitchen bathroom utility etc which will all require a builder.
I work from home a lot and live 20mins from the new house so was planning on juggling work with the renovations.

Hi OP

I know a few people with secondary infertility, some who left it til after life events like weddings etc to try. So I think I'd just do it. Yes it will be stressful doing everything at once. But you'll still have to do those stressful things anyway (caveat that I don't know your mental health and of you think that doing everything at once would be overwhelming then maybe going for it isn't the right thing)

I was pretty much the same age as you with similar age toddler when we started trying. My husband wanted to wait til our youngest was older and more independent, he found the baby stage and change in lifestyle very hard and wanted a break. I also found it hard, so I just wanted to get on with things and get it out of the way as I knew the more I'd get into other things (career etc and getting my life back) the harder I'd find it to 'go back' and face all those baby things like sleepless nights again.

The first year was very tough, my baby didn't sleep amongst other things and then when I went back to work it all triggered another health condition and I worried it was the worst decision of my life. And I spent the first couple of years regretting it. Then it was covid and my youngest was 2 and they spent the whole time playing together and they now have a lovely relationship and I wouldn't have it any other way and I'm glad we didn't wait.

Not sure that helps at all but thought it might be good to hear a range of experiences