To expect ex not to try to persuade child into agreeing to things not in court order

[Nolongersureofmyself]

Hello all,
Please could I ask for some advice? My ex and I have a child. My ex lives abroad. A family court order is in place which is very clear in terms of the physical time that they spend together and where this can take place. My ex is suggesting things to our child (age 7) which are not in the order. He’s been talking to our child about his ideas before he mentioned these things to me and also since. Is it wrong of me to feel that this is inappropriate? Our child has said no to the suggestion a couple of times already but he keeps asking. I am aware of this as they have video calls and I’m obviously in the house and can hear.
Thanks for your time.

Your ex is a nob.
Most ex’s are, the shite they come up with is utterly exhausting.

You could tell him if he doesn't stop doing it you'll be forced to record the calls for your child's protection. Or you could just record the calls and get the evidence.

I’m struggling to communicate with him. Last week he told our child, via video, that I was useless and stupid and that our child shouldn’t listen to me (only to him) because there won’t ever be any good parenting from me. This was whilst I was trying to help our child to settle and return to the video following an argument that ex had started with our child.

Then, when it turns out to be unsurprisingly difficult to persuade our child back to the call I get a follow up email telling me what I’d done wrong...and that I’d done nothing to help.

I tried to ignore it, didn’t reply and then I’m chastised for not replying as I’m not being co-operate as co-parents. I’m bewildered. There is so much of this all the time.

Learn the grey rock method and employ it. Keep a record of every time he berates you and puts you down. This is evidence of emotional abuse. Work with your child to empower them to assert themselves and to be able to tell their dad when they don’t want to talk about things or when things he says upsets them. Tell your child it’s ok to say things like,

”I don’t want to talk about this.”
“It upsets me when you say bad things about mummy/don’t listen to me/argue with me.”

Make sure your child knows it’s ok to leave the call if they are being upset by their Dad. You only have to make the child available for contact on the court ordered times and days. Your child is allowed to terminate any call that upsets them.

I think that when a child has to deal with an emotionally abuse and manipulative parent, it’s important that they are taught about autonomy and their rights. Parents have rights but so do children. They have the right not to be abused and that includes a parent who is upsetting them by bad mouthing the other parent. This is extremely damaging for children and it’s well documented. It’s extremely important to teach children about asserting their boundaries from an early age so they know they are allowed to have them, that it doesn’t matter who it is who’s upsetting them that they can say how they feel and that they can walk away from the conversation.

If you are communicating via email I’d encourage you to get the Our Family Wizard parenting App. All the communication becomes a legal document, it can’t be deleted and you can print it off, or give court access to it. It’s been brilliant for me.