A Gift With Conditions Attached Is Unfair

[G1fted0rN0t]

Do you think it’s ever fair to give a gift with conditions attached that the recipient doesn’t explicitly agree to? (So I don’t mean a gift in a will that the recipient can choose to accept with conditions.) And what are your experiences of this?

To give an example, my dad died recently and I was given a sort of photo/charcoal drawing montage of him that the gifter had commissioned from their cousin who is an artist. Fair enough if someone chooses this to remember a loved one but it’s really not the kind of thing I would display. I think this choice of gift was odd and quite insensitive given my recent bereavement’s and as I’d never expressed any interest in this sort of thing. But, I was happy to say thanks and then put it in a drawer. ..However, the gifter kept bringing up the portrait and insisted on lots of conditions including personally thanking the artist which I found mortifying. Cringe.

What do you think?

YABU- gifter can stipulate conditions

YANBU-a gift should be given without expectation

That sounds incredibly out of line.

A gift with conditions is not a gift. It's a contract.

I had a relative with form for this. You’d never find out the conditions till it was too late though. Eg, offering to help you buy something necessary that you couldn’t otherwise afford, insisting it be the more expensive version, so you end up using all your available money and still using more of their money than feels comfortable, then a year later deciding you were not using it enough (or in a way they approve of) and taking it away to give to one of their friends (without your agreement or prior knowledge), leaving you without the item and without the money you had spent on it yourself, and have to start from the beginning again. I learned to be very wary of their ‘favours’ and gifts. I loved the person, but had to recognise that side of them.

Once it leaves the gifter's hands it is non of their business what happens to it from then..

They sound completely tone deaf and lacking in any empathy at all.

Did you get badgered into personally thanking the artist? Or are they still mithering at you?

The person commissioning the artwork provides the thanks to the artist, not whoever they then gift it on to.

And imo presents come with ribbons, not with strings.

Like PP I now refuse bribes or manipulations dressed up as ‘gifts’.

I would probably check out the artist and show them some support because I know most artists are struggling but that is by no means an obligation- especially because of the sensitivity of the subject matter its an unreasonable expectation. Also your walls, your choice, people grieve differently and I wouldn’t want a picture collage of a deceased relative in view. I’m sorry for your loss and the additional stress of this gift and YANBU.

💐Sorry for your loss.
I would suggest to the gift giver that since they are so invested in the drawing, that they keep a hold if it. You've enough to be dealing with, without being directed on suitable levels of gratitude.

It depends on the conditions. My parents gifted me a car on the understanding I pick them up from the theatre once a month, which seemed like a pretty fair deal to me!!

I would return it to the gift giver saying you appreciate the thought but you’re grieving and will never feel able to put it on display. Then avoid them - they’re making your father’s death all about them and their feelings.

It's only reasonable if the person giving the gift is completely open and honest about any conditions attached and the person receiving the gift is free to accept or decline the offer without any bad feelings resulting

In your example I can totally understand why you feel annoyed