Really frustrated with a friend

[cinnamonswirl99]

So for context, I'm in my mid 20s, and became friends with a woman in her 50s last year.
Recently, I have become really annoyed and frustrated with her behaviour, but don't know what to do.
She is basically in a relationship with a man who doesn't care about her at all, but has chosen to stay with her for his own strange reasons. He barely makes any effort to talk to her or even see her, he cheats on her, lies to her and disrespects her.
In the beginning when she used to call me up and talk about it, I felt sorry for her, and I would listen to her go on and on about how he did this, and how he said that et cetera. I felt bad for her because she lives alone and doesn't have any children, and in general is a bit lonely, but recently it has become too much.
I have told her time and time again, that if she wants to feel better emotionally and not be depressed and crying every day then she needs to end this mess of a relationship, but she won't do that, and instead calls me up every time she is feeling low.
She then proceeds to tell me every single interaction that happened between her and her partner that day, or how she hasn't heard from him in 24 hours, and she moans and complains and cries, and goes on and on and on talking for over an hour.
It gets to a point where my brain just can't take it anymore, and I'm no longer even listening to what she's saying, I just make the right noises or give one word responses when she pauses. Even that doesn't seem to bother her and she just goes on...
it's all stuff that I've heard more than 100 times before, but she won't do anything about it, she just thinks it's okay to pick up the phone and call or text me whenever she's feeling sad because he's upset her yet again.
I have done my duty as a friend, and I think I've done way more than a lot of other people would do.
She does this sometimes three times a week and I just can't deal with it, I'm not her counsellor and I have my own life.
Why do some people have no consideration for others?
How can you go on talking for an hour and a half and not think to yourself that maybe the other person has things to do. I don't want to upset her, but this is upsetting me now.
I would be grateful if you have any experiences or advice that you could share.
Have a good day.

She's using you both as an emotional dumping ground and as a way of coping with (ie sticking with) her shitty relationship.

I'd focus on other friendships.

I'd be frank with her and tell her that you can't offer advice because you wouldn't put up with it for a moment and that it is frustrating to hear someone you care about in this situation. That might give her pause for thought.

Stop answering the phone? Or answer it & say what @slimpicks said, then stop answering.
No one has a gun to your head saying you must spend 1.5 hours on the phone to her

The only behaviour you can change here is your own, OP.

If she is repeating the same conversation over and over again then it would be very reasonable to say, ‘Jo we have talked about this so many times but it hasn’t helped you so we need to stop. I have a busy spell coming up so won’t be available much but when we do talk it has to be about something else.’

Out of interest what does she bring to you?

Next time I would say are we talking just about him? Ok Then I can give it 5 minutes as everything has been said. Stuck record until she gets the message.

Why do some people have no consideration for others?
How can you go on talking for an hour and a half and not think to yourself that maybe the other person has things to do. I don't want to upset her, but this is upsetting me now.
I would be grateful if you have any experiences or advice that you could share.

It's hard for us to tell why she has no consideration for your feelings. But ultimately the reason doesn't matter. Some people in this world will take advantage of you, so you need to learn to set boundaries. Either end the friendship if you're getting nothing from it, or set the boundary of what you wish to accept, e.g. "I don't want to talk about your partner anymore, it's difficult for me to hear, you already know my opinion. How is work going?" And if she keeps returning to the topic of her partner, repeat something similar or end the call.

Some people will treat you how you let them, so don't let her treat you badly.

She doesn’t want to get rid of him or to change her situation - she wants an audience and someone to dump her emotional baggage on.
You do have to question why a woman in her 50s is making a woman in her 20s her confidante and saviour… it’s because friends her own age have gotten sick of hearing her say the same thing over and over and have cut her off.

(I’m not being ageist - I too have friends that are younger and older than me, but not in this unhealthy manner)

This. It is up to you if you wish to continue to be her on tap therapist.

OMG. This has been happening to me I could have written this word for word. It’s the same thing my friend she’s in a relationship with a horrible man won’t leave him but would ring me every day to cry over it. The amount of times last year I ran to her aid because she had another crisis over it. Anyway long story short I told her before Xmas I’d had enough. My own mental health was struggling. And I thought to myself what am I getting out of this friendship.. nothing. She hasn’t really spoken to me since apart from a text wishing me happy new year. Which for me speaks volumes.

if she’s not going to change then I think you need to walk away

Firstly I'd stop answering her calls, she's twice your age and using you to dump all her emotions on when it's clearly not wanted. I would send her a message along the following lines.

"Hi Linda, I'm afraid I can no longer discuss your relationship troubles with you as it's taking a toll on my life. I've given you advice and listened over and over again but you've made it clear that nothing will change and you'll keep going back. You can't keep unloading all of your emotions on me as it's simply not fair. I hope we can continue our friendship on these terms but I understand if that's not what you want."

I feel that unfortunately being the good kind person you are, you’re enabling her and not doing her or yourself any favours. Maybe it’s time for a difficult conversation? If the outcome of that is her taking offence then so be it, that’s her choice. Think of it this way it’s one difficult conversation now, or look back in 12 months time and you’ve wasted another year of your life being this grown-a$$ woman’s emotional dumping ground. You are worth more than that and I think your ‘friend’ is being selfish, or emotionally immature to not see it. I’m 50 now and have learnt the hard way not to put up with anything less than I deserve. You deserve an equal friendship with effort on both sides, not being drained by an emotional vampire. Hope you get things sorted for your own well being x