Would it be wrong for me to move house now?

[YoureLucky]

I have lived in central London my whole life, born and bred, and have always loved it here. I am mid sixties. I am a carer for my mum who the last year has deteriorated a lot. She lives about a 10 minute walk from me. I am an only child, no partner, DDad passed years ago so in this area it's just me and mum. I do have a daughter with two children who lives 30 miles away and I want to move to be nearer the grandkids who are 7 and 5. DD hadn't asked me to move but I think long term I want to be near my family for when I need help as I slow down and I would be able to help DD more.

The problem is I want to move now, I live on my pension and want to release some equity from my home by moving although it wouldn't be a lot by the looks of things. The issue is I feel like I can't move far from mum or I would be judged, she has carers twice a day but I go every day as well. She is hugely demanding and in poor health in her nineties and massively reliant on me. I always said I would never leave her but caring is too much for me now but I feel trapped. Can I move yet or should I wait, my life is on hold.

I think you're going to get slated for this! You want to move closer to your children so they can help you... but are moving away from your own parent meaning you won't be able to help her.

Sounds like you will need to cover both areas for a while.
That said, 30miles is absolutely no distance. How long would it take you to get from one area to another? Or is there a place in the middle just 15 miles from both?

Just wait till she passes away. If she's ill and in her 90s I imagine you won't have to wait years.

Plus, you want the same help from your children that you're giving your own mum. Bit rich for you to ask for that, unless you're in poor health in your 60s?

It sounds like this isn't so much about moving, but caring being too much for you. Could you identify any practical things that you can put in place to make it a bit easier for you, and your mum?

Reading between the lines it sounds like you aren't serious about moving, but more fed up and just wanting a change - is that right or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

She wants to move closer to her DD so she can see her GC? If she's in her sixties she won't be looking at needing help from her DD for some time to come. It sounds like OP has been heavily relied on by her demanding DM for some time already - is she supposed to miss out on being with her grandkids so she can be in attendance daily for her mum, who has carers twice daily?

Possibly some compromise can be reached, if OP can move closer to her DD to facilitate seeing more of her younger family members but travel back to see her mum every few days or so. She won't want her mum to feel abandoned but at the same time, her own life is being absorbed into being a carer for her mum. That must be terribly restricting on what she can do with her day.

My friend was in your situation six years ago though the distance was less. Her DM has now been in a care home for four years and is 97. She barely recognises her DD.

If you are confident that she is cared for (and maybe it’s time for a residential setting- possibly near to your new area?) then make your move. You really do only live once and you are young enough to build a new community around you and enjoy a new life.

Of course you should move now! You could have years of lovely time with your daughter and her kids. You can still go and see your mum a couple of times a week. She has carers so her needs are being met.

You need to have a frank conversation with your DD about this. What if she moves away herself in 5 years?

Are you sure you're not just running away from your current situation?

I'd advise to revisit the social care involvement (she has carers so has had an assessment previously), is it time she was put into residential care? There is no judgement in accepting that you are not able to deliver the amount of care she requires. What you do need to do is make a judgement to what care she needs on place, and how that care is best delivered.

Caring responsibility is very draining, both mental and physical. People who underestimate this haven't gone through it.

People saying hold on she will die soon; check yourself. Seriously. It's not a way to live, waiting for someone (her mum of all people) has to die to enable OP to move.

She said ‘so I can help DD more’ not ‘so that DD can help me more’.
Id move OP.

You can't put your life on hold forever. Your grandkids are not going to be kids for long.

I don't think it's a right or wrong situation. It sounds as if you are struggling with the level of support your mother needs and maybe the first thing to do is source more assistance for her.

30 miles isn't that far but if she needs a lot of input and decisions made as she deteriorates it's a significant distance to keep travelling back and forth.

but also said " I think long term I want to be near my family for when I need help as I slow down." As @HoskinsChoice pointed out. Yes she wants to help her dd and grandkids now but with the pay off they will then return her care when she gets older. Presumably as her mother helped her when she had young kids and now needs her help. So yeah it is being a bit selfish if she doesn't want to help her mother at all but wants her dd to help her when she gets older.

That said, of course OP shouldn't do more than she reasonably can (either physically or emotionally) to help her mother, particularly given other arrangements are in place.

I'd suggest the best thing to do is to move somewhere that's easily accessible to both, so OP can still see her mother as needed and be there quickly in an emergency, or stay living where she is for the short term (while not saying the mother will die anytime soon, she is quite likely to degenerate which means her care situation will need re-evaluating again) while building in enough breaks - i.e. this weekend I'm going to stay with DD, or 'I'll come and see you on Monday mum but then have plans during the week so won't see you again until the weekend" - even if those plans are meeting up with friends or doing absolutely nothing to recharge - just being a bit stricter so OP has time off and doesn't feel she is always at her mother's beck and call.

30 miles is nothing, though. It's close enough to easily see the grandchildren at least once or twice a week. Many, many people live far further from their grandchildren than that. It's not as though she's living in australia and hasn't seen them for years.

Would her daughter even want her mum to move within 5 minutes of her and be round every day? 5 and 7 year olds are busy with school, clubs, hobbies, friends, etc. OP could move away from her mother, friends, the place she's lived her entire life, her entire support system, and find out her dd and dgc have their own lives and don't have time to be seeing granny every day.

What if you moved closer to your DD and then visit your Mum. You could get a rail pass and buy tickets online as cheaply as possible. I suppose what train lines are like in the place you want to move to has some bearing, or you could go down once a week and stay overnight, therefore seeing her on 2 days.

Any idea what sort of equity would be released? MIL lives in Surrey, her house is worth about 550k if she lived in our town she could get a similar house for 230k.

You do need to discuss with your DD though.

She also said, 'I want to be near my family for when I need help as I slow down'.