Partner upset at lack of Xmas presents for his nephews

[cocobeans66]

Firstly this will be a strange family dynamics to people.

DH's family are quite disengaged and tend to do their own thing but speak frequently.

I have never met 3 of BIL's kids, DH's sisters have also never/ rarely met his kids either.
He is quite a strange chap to be honest.

So DH's younger brother has only met our child once, he has just turned one.

We have temporarily moved about an hour away and he was supposed to come for DC's birthday but cancelled last minute as it was to far.
Okay fair enough but DH has made the effort of travel 45 minutes to see his kids.

BIL expects DH to go out of his way a lot like his son had a court appearance the other day and DH went during his lunch break to show support, and he sends BIL's kids money/ presents for birthdays/Christmas.

He makes such an effort but BIL makes not effort with ours and it really grates on me.

As DH wasn't working in December (only recently started working last week) I brought presents for his mom, step dad and sisters and he had the cheek to say what about BIL and his kids?

I asked him why bring it up in January and apparently BIL made a comment at the court appearance the other day that the kids were upset as last year they got loads of presents from DH.

I told him BIL makes no effort with me or the kids and you reap what you sow.

Why should I be expected to buy presents for kids I have never met and when BIL makes no effort with our own kids?

And on Xmas Day BIL was expecting DH to leave us and the kids to go and see his kids with another woman he had behind his ex partners back.
He is very entitled and selfish, but DH makes me feel as if it's me and I should make more effort.

What the fuck?!

Why are YOU buying presents for these people?

Sounds as though your DH has been a bit of parent figure to his younger brother. Your DH needs to tell his DB that he has a new baby and family now and his priorities have changed. Perhaps he should suggest 'not doing presents anymore'. It doesn't sound as if DB will start sending cards and presents any time soon, so best to just cut your losses now and save some money in the future. Seriously if one of the kids appearing in court - are they needing lego and Manopoly?

Why didn't your DH remind his brother that he wasn't working over Christmas and has only just gone back to work.

Well, you have a dh problem 🤷🏼‍♀️

I brought presents for his mom, step dad and sisters and he had the cheek to say what about BIL and his kids?

Why did you buy the gifts? Why didn't your p say he couldn't afford them, so why not buy no gifts this tear?

How long have you been together?

@Kitkatcatflap 100% this.
There is only 18 months between them and they are more like best friends.

BIL has multiple children aged between 3 years old to 22 years old.

Because DH wasn't working I said I would buy small presents for his mom and sisters who are super nice and always very grateful, make the effort etc.

DH brought loads of presents last year for BIL's kids and we didn't even get a Xmas Card for DH who was a few months old.

I feel like DH goes out of his way too much and this isn't reciprocated at all by BIL who takes him for granted.

God what an awful man your DH sounds

@BellissimoGecko
Been together 12 years this year.

I feel DH is scared to speak up, I told him why would I hug presents for kids I have not met?
None of the mothers of those kids brought our kids presents.

You've explained. The answer from now on should just be "no" (on repeat when needed).
If DH wants to be a mug in the future that's up to him, you don't have to be any part of it.

Yep, your dh needs to speak up. Good luck with that.

"I told him BIL makes no effort with me or the kids and you reap what you sow."

Agreed.

Frankly, your husband is being a complete mug, and I'd probe why he has such a blindspot when it comes to his wankbadger of a brother.

Wow. Stop being doormats.

DH defo is so blindsided by BIL's selfishness and how self centred he actually is, I see straight through it all.

BIL's older kids who are early 20s have asked DH multiple times for money as well which is ironic as BIL is extremely wealthy and has plenty of money.
So DH has to give them money as well, it's a joke when we have our own family to support.

This post nails it.
Not your job to buy presents for his family. Not at all. Not for any of them.

So, simpler from now on if you just make that clear. You will won't you?

So DH has to give them money as well, it's a joke when we have our own family to support.

@cocobeans66 Your DH doesn't have to give them money, he chooses to. That is your problem. Why can't you tackle him on that?

Well you should ask BIL next time you see him where your kids presents were. The cheek of it!

You have a dh problem. A big one.

Of course they didn't! Do you really think your brother-in-law is supporting them financially? They will need every penny they can get to look after the children that he fathered.

Tell them all, including your dh, to bog off.

You are not DH secretary. He can sort his own family out from now on. Let his mum and sisters know.

stop giving them money you can’t afford.