Moving away from family?

[stressedatbestt]

Okay so this is a long one.

I was living with my partner and our kids, in a town around 30 mins away from my family.

we separated due to money issues and I moved in with my grandmother, I’ve been here for two years. I was supposed to move back out with my partner in a new place he was renting but couldn’t as my nan fell unwell at the time. She has cancer and has treatment. I turned down the offer and stayed, she managed to get on a good health path and responding well to treatment. So I decided to agree to move - and then my aunt took her own life. I am still here currently and my grandmother is insisting I stay with her and not to move. Me and the kids are all in one room, she’s in another. I’ve tried to tell her I can’t stay here forever, she has hospital appointments once a week and I currently take her.

I am looking to move in with my partner and be a family with our kids (finally) - an hour away. I’ve said I can still take her appointments on the days she needs as my partner works from home two days a week so he can have the kids etc and I will visit on weekends but she’s insisting I stay and not to leave.

It’s a better area and better school for my kids, they will have their own rooms and I will feel much happier. But I can’t feel anything else but selfish for wanting to leave after this happening. My grandmother only has me and my kids left, and my brother. I offered her to try and move closer to me as she lives in a council place - she refuses.

Am I being unreasonable moving ?

She can’t expect you and your children to all live in one bedroom indefinitely just to suit her. That’s ridiculous.

How many children do you have and how old are they?

It sounds like she is maybe frightened of being alone. But that still does not mean she can demand you all cram in together when alternatives are available.

Do the council know you are living there? Do you think maybe she is planning for you to have succession of her tenancy? (Clutching at straws here)

It’s really sad about your aunt but you can’t let the legacy of this and your grandmother’s needs stop you living your life.
An hour is really not that much. When I read the headline I thought you were going to say 5/6 hours away.
You can still come back and be there for your grandmother and at the same time you and your kids get some proper space and a chance to be happy.
Try not to feel guilty, YANBU. You can always ring your grandmother each day too and stay in touch between visits. Good luck.

I have three children under 10! So it’s a real squeeze and mayhem to be honest!

also I can’t claim succession as her tenancy states it’s not possible as she got the place she’s in due to my grandad dying in the 90s (states the tenancy can only be passed down once - which it was to her and I even asked citizens advice who said I wouldn’t be able to)

I’m fully agree an hour is NOTHING! Of course I would call her every day and still take her the appointments and shopping once a week etc. I just feel so so bad for doing it - as she constantly dismisses the idea of me going - she actually just point blank says “so you’re leaving me aswell now?” Which makes me upset!

Put your children first, your current situation is so unfair to them when they have the option to have their own rooms and a better area and school. You will still be close enough to help her when she needs it.

😲 She is being completely unreasonable to expect 4 of you to live in one bedroom. Completely.

Can you set up a way for you to video call her each day? So that she feels you can check she’s ok. A tablet or an Amazon echo with a screen etc?

No, she's being manipulative as well as unreasonable. You need to put your own family first. It sounds like you're doing all you can to reassure her you'll still e around but the root problem seems to be the fact she is now over reliant on you for company. Can you set her up with some social opportunities (clubs, drop ins or meet ups) before you move out?

This has to be your absolute main reason.

Hi OP

I really do understand your dilemma; it must be hard trying to do the right thing for everyone.

You don’t say how old your grandmother is. If she’s a young one, I think that could make a difference. If older (late 60s), and having lost a child (your aunt) and having treatment for cancer, her reluctance to part with you is more understandable.

Is there any halfway point? Can you and the kids go and live with your partner as you prefer, but you commit to one overnight with your grandmother while she’s having treatment? I don’t doubt that one of the reasons she’s doing well health-wise is because she’s had you and the children to keep her mood up and I expect you’ve been doing proper meals, so her nutrition may have been better than it might have if she were on her own. After 2 years of all of you being around any break is bound to feel abrupt, even though she knew you were not planning to be there that long.

If you were able to compromise but make clear that it will be while she has the cancer appointments, that could ease her worries. Once those finish, you can visit with the kids on a weekend as you have suggested.

I hope everything works out.

She is not going to be happy with anything but the status quo - so don’t go twisting yourself into knots trying to find a compromise that will appease her.

Right now you are putting the wellbeing of your grandmother over the wellbeing of your three children - it’s not fair to them for this to continue.

Tell your grandmother you are moving out on XX date and do it. Ignore any manipulation, tears, illnesses and just do it.
You can still assist from afar, but perhaps you also need to make a referral to services that assist the elderly to arrange for an assessment, home help? Someone who drives people to appointments.

Your grandmother will be upset, that’s natural and something that she will adapt to over time. It doesn’t mean you live your life in limbo, frozen in place and living in one bedroom till you have teens who rightly resent you for not making a decision with their best interest in mind.

Without meaning to be disrespectful to your grandmother I feel like she’s being a bit selfish. There’s 4 of you and 1 of her.
You will feel bad but please don’t let that stop you doing what is so much better long term.