To cut off mum over partner

[Dogmumblues]

This is my first time posting so apologies if I waffle a bit.
I have an ongoing situation with my mum and her partner (female) and so many times I’ve talked myself out of breaking contact but I feel now’s the time to walk away - mum has health issues which are ongoing so I suppose it’s guilt that has made me stay for so long.
Mum had an affair with this woman (well called her A) about 10 years ago. Literally moved her into the family home as a ‘friend’ needing help all the while cheating on my father… this other woman is closer to my age and has adult kids of her own.
The main issue is the imbalance of how my sibling and I are treated in comparison to A’s children.
Mum has never been loving or maternal, she’s there for advice but I can’t remember hugs or anything, although she will openly say on social media about loving her partners children, regularly visits them and invites them on holidays (they do not work and never have - no reason why).
This is not the case with myself and my sibling - who themself suffers with various MH conditions. We barely see her unless we reach out, and we’re regularly bad mouthed by her partner for being ‘selfish’ when we express our views at the imbalance.
My sibling can also be difficult and mums partner openly calls them a ‘c*’ and is not corrected by mum for doing so, which is unacceptable in my mind. And certainly wouldn’t be okay if the roles were reversed.
I have warned mum multiple times about ending contact with her over all of this and often she will agree with me to appease me then say the opposite to her partner and side with her, or worse she will have me on speakerphone when I’m airing my views and her partner is in the room, unbeknownst to me and causing arguments, which will end in me closing down and leaving the call.
What would you do? Walk away and accept that my mum is never going to change? Keep contact and set out terms for contact?
I just don’t know anymore. I see other people with supportive loving mums and don’t know why we don’t have that…

I'd cut ties.

My dm had a husband but took care of me alone while his family badmouthed me and her (two other kids who belonged to her husband were corrupted by me)

I could accept those circumstances.

But the bullying and siding with said husband when I had my baby was unforgivable, given the way I'd suffered because of her choices

All mums make mistakes and lots struggle. But bullying and being vile and putting others before your kids is a choice, and a choice she made as an adult no longer raising little kids.

Sorry op, I'd focus solely on yourself from now on and cut ties x

I’m sorry that you’ve been through it too.

You’re right, it’s a choice. I just lived in hope that one day she would step up and be the mum everyone else has but I’m in my mid thirties now. It’s not going to happen.

Her partner has even badmouthed my grandparents, who passed long ago before they met, based on what my mum has said about them (they were amazing!) - So god knows what’s said about me secretly behind closed doors!

They both sound toxic, I would take a step back slow fade and then cut ties. No more airing your opinions or thoughts on the situation as it’s weaponised against you and the situation won’t ever change. Good luck op I think you will feel better once you make the break.

It sounds as if your life would be happier and less toxic without them

I would stop reaching out and hope that contact drops off

block her on social media , no need to see that in your face

stop expecting her to change , sadly this not going to happen

Is it possible that your mum is being controlled by this woman?

Walking away, going NC, would have some retributive satisfaction but it’s not necessary. The key is to learn to identify what you’ve never had and what you wish for and to grieve that. Your mother can’t give you what it’s not in her to give and you have to come to terms with that, probably with the help of a therapist.

Your relationship with your mother is not and never has been what you need and want and it hurts. Cutting her off won’t solve that in the long term.

The time your mother will change is when the partner tires of her, or when she's old and in need of care. Personally, if my mum treated me like this I'd cut her off and have nothing more to do with her.

Is your father still alive OP? If so, and he's a nicer person, then save your time and energy for him.**

Yes he’s still alive - he lives with my sibling so is somewhat distracted with their needs but I try to support him where I can.

I think everyone on this post has hit the nail on the head - it’s become a toxic relationship with them. I don’t feel that she’s being controlled but I do think that she’s so scared of being alone that she only thinks of the relationship - not the effect that it’s had.
She has said in the past not to make her ‘choose’ as she will choose her partner. That should have been enough for me to realise things won’t change.

Therapy is probably also needed, but I can’t afford that privately so will have to see if I can find an NHS solution perhaps.

Wow, this is deep. To openly tell you she will choose her partner over you is really deep and i would have let her go ages ago. Being a mother isn't just about carrying the baby and giving birth. She's no mother to you, accept that and move on.

Thank you.
It’s a shame that some people aren’t cut out to have children and leaves us wondering what we did to deserve the way we’re treated.
Definitely something deep that I need to unpack and walk away from.

That sounds really tough but honestly NC is awful. I'm NC with my dad through similar difficulties but it was his choice. I have tried and tried to resolve things but it's just not going to happen. And it's awful, really awful. Like a grieving process.

I'd just take a step back and go low contact and see how things go from there.