Friendship has arrived at a dead end.

[Tiredhungovermummy]

Please bear with, this is a long post!

The friend in question I have been good friends with for over 20 years. She is GM to my DD, was a bridesmaid at my wedding etc etc you get the picture. Friend is from a wealthy family, I am a resident in my overdraft. We are very different.
Friend was due to get married several years ago and went very much off the radar. She didn’t involve me in any wedding prep, or even tell me anything about it. Got to three months before and they hadn’t even sent out invites. Then she was jilted. Her fiancé cheated on her and basically stood her up almost at the alter. She turned to me for support and as an ear to bend, which I was more than happy to do. I helped her move her stuff out etc and did as much as I could to be there for her. Fast forward a few years and she met another bloke whom she has now married. She was supportive to me during my marriage breakdown and I went and stayed with her a couple of times. She’s recently found out she’s pregnant and has been really secretive about some parts of it. She’s cancelled the last three occasions we were meant to meet up, at the last minute, with very weak excuses. My DD has now said there is no point trying to meet up with X as she always cancels 🙄. She has suffered with a lot of sickness, which I appreciate is a nightmare, however she has managed to go away with other friends for long weekends, to London and Ireland, where as we would have literally been meeting for a coffee down the road and she’s been unable to make it.

My (ex) husband always said “she only wants you when the situation suits her” and I’m now starting to sadly believe he’s correct (had to be right about something I guess!). I feel like I’m the person she turns to when things go wrong that she’s “ashamed” of ie the engagement call off, and that she really makes a lot of effort for the people who are more similar to her (wealthy). Is this friendship coming to an end? I do try with her, I message her to check in and rarely get a reply, she doesn’t answer the phone if I call. She also does quite elaborate SM posts for friends and god children’s birthdays, but did nothing when it was mine…..

Am I just being over sensitive/unreasonable (I have a tendency to take things to heart)?

thanks if you have got this far!

Kindly, I think you're being far TOO reasonable! She sounds like a non-friend, not even a bad one. You sound lovely - I'm sure there are much better friends out there for you. I'd forget about her, I'm afraid.

Sometimes friendships change - even the ones we have had for years. I tend to be over sensitive too but DH makes similar comments about some of my friends that they only contact me when they want something. I think you need to step back and see the friendship for what it is. You have 2 options, either walk away because you feel the effort you put in isn’t reciprocated or carry on with the friendship but accept that maybe she isn’t making the same effort that you do but accept the friendship for what it is even though it isn’t the same as it once was.

sometimes old friendships are the ones we turn to when things go wrong but it might be that she’s built up other friendships in the circle she moves in.

Sorry this is making you feel rubbish. I would probably feel the same as you do

If she’s being secretive about parts of her pregnancy, might there be a problem she’s keeping private ?

I don’t think so. Getting pregnant wasn’t an easy journey but she shared that with me, she’s told me a lot of things surrounding it, but, for example, after the 20 week scan I said please will you send me a photo of your scan so I can show my kids, who are so excited for her, and she just ignored me 😂

I'd take a step back personally. If someone treats me like an acquaintance, I do the same with them.

Yes she’s pigeonholed you as a cathartic friend, I’d be backing away. Let her come to you and only meet her in happy times, not through her next disaster.

I would match her energy OP. It does sound like she uses you when times are hard but you aren’t seen as a priority friend to her otherwise.

I would step right back.. I hate one sided efforts now. I stopped chasing people. Hard when a long friendship

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I'd cut her some slack, as she was supportive to you when your marriage ended.

Yes, it may absolutely be that you're the 'bad times friend' -- that she thinks of you as someone there when she's in trouble and is available to you also when you ere in trouble. I think it's pretty common for people to avoid or step back from friends who saw them when they were at their lowest, distressed, unhappy, humiliated, ill, with poor MH etc. It's not pretty, but it's understandable. When they're 'better' again, they don't want to be reminded of how bad things were. I know someone who never spoke again to a friend who saved her life by breaking into her house, having guessed she'd taken an overdose. She was, I think, too humiliated by having been seen trying to die. It's deeply upsetting for the 'dropped' rescuer, but it's not that unusual.

Your situation sounds a bit more mutual in that you both helped one another out when your relationships ended. It may well be that she's pigeonholed you in the 'bad times' category. It's up to you what you want to do about that. If the friendship is valuable to you, it may be worth just stepping away for now, or even writing her an email explaining how you are experiencing her cancellations. If you do, I wouldn't phrase it as a question. Say you aren't writing for a reply, you are explaining why you're stepping away, but (I mean, if this is what you would like) that the door is open if she one day feels differently and would like to get back in touch, and until then best wishes with the pregnancy,

Stop bothering with her.

Wow op please step away.
What is making you want to be friends with someone who treats you so badly!?

I had a friend like this. We’d met at college, we were very different but had fun and got on well with each other. I supported her through a terrible breakup whilst she was at uni. We kept in contact when we could. I had a traumatic couple of years and all I wanted was to meet for a cuppa but she was never available (although she came home regularly to see her mum). Her Facebook feed was full of partying with other friends and it felt like i was only a friend when it suited her. The last straw was when she turned up with a Christmas present and announced that she couldn’t stay as her mum was in the car. I ended up taking her off all my socials and cut contact. It felt like a bereavement but she wasn’t the friend I needed and being in contact hurt. This was about 8-9 years ago and part of me wants to make contact to explain why I vanished but then again, she never made the effort to get in touch and ask for an explanation.

Your situation feels similar, I’d go NC and leave it at that.

Friendships ebb and flow. She hasn’t done anything particularly awful, but maybe just step back. Be nice but change your expectations and see what happens. I regret cutting friends off years ago. Things seems much less serious 10 years down the line.

She forgot your birthday? Oh hell no.

I would just stop making an effort and see if she contacts you, maybe there is no need to cut her off just don’t view her as a close friend anymore and lower your expectations, I have done this with a couple of friends and now we only text a few times a year and even then I’m not in any rush to reply (neither are they) but I’m fine with that

Sounds like this disparity in your friendship has been going on for quite some time now.
Time to just match her energy and lower your expectations.
Concentrate on the friends who contribute positively to your life. xx

No, sorry, didn’t forget it, I just didn’t get a elaborate social media post like she does for her other close friends, neither did my daughter (her GD) when she does the same for her other God children