Cheating in a past life

[cheatingwhenyoung]

Checking if I'm being unreasonable. Over 21 years ago I guess I might have been a cheat. I was seeing someone but made the decision to move abroad. It was only going to be temporary and I planned on staying faithful. He wasn't happy and said if I went we were done. I didn't want resentment in my life or regrets (also due to person issues I needed to get away) so I told him this and went.

I didn't hear anything from him when I was gone initially and assumed we were done. I started then sleeping with a local man (unbeknown to me he had a long term partner/wife) let's just say it was all physical as his English was v basic and I was similar with his language.
Anyways the UK guy then got in touch asking how things were and how I was doing. I was honest but didn't mention the new guy. He then asked if he could come for a visit. I agreed and at that point stopped with the other guy. He came for a visit but treated it like a holiday, we did have sex but no quality time. He flew home and no discussion was made about us, after how things went I assumed we were done again and started up with the local man. Uk guy did send the odd email (had to go to cyber cafes to check) and we kept in touch.
Anyways I then discovered local man had a wife and continued to sleep with him (19yo with a man in his late 20s youngest) before breaking it off - for me it had run its course. Fast forward until I came back to the uk. I got back in regular contact with the Uk guy and we went on to have a long term relationship. He cheated in the end and that's why we broke up. I was very young and honestly didn't think I was cheating and as for the being the bit on the side again I was young and consequences don't always go through your head (for the majority of the time I also had no idea -naive maybe having never been invited to his). Did I end it when I found out no so I guess I was in the wrong.

Anyways fast forward to now, I'm in a new relationship and this situation came up now it's caused a huge fight between us as I didn't admit that I was in the wrong. I also think that an affair is down to the married/etc person and that the person they are seeing is pretty innocent. I also think it's not all black and white and there are areas of grey. I also know the person that is in a relationships/married can lie and make things sound awful at home etc.

My beliefs now are that cheating is wrong and it's not something I would ever do and believe communication is key. I also know now if I got involved with someone that had a partner etc then I would walk away and likely be the person to tell the other exactly what had been going on.

So my current partner and I fell out over this. He feels like he could never trust me and that our beliefs are very different. He's not understanding that I was young and stupid and that communication wasn't really a thing, he thinks that I was cheating on UK guy and that i had no regard for a family I could have broken up. This isn't how I seen it at all then, I thought I was single and I guess as a teenager that the married thing maybe didn't register.

My question is AIBU to expect him to accept that this is my past and I was young and stupid. We had very different lives back then, I was living it up abroad and then as a student, I stayed with my parents etc I did have a BF but in no way was I doing the happy families thing. He was the total opposite and I guess maybe at different life stages despite being similar aged. He's now not speaking to me and says it's a red flag to him and is unsure about us now. He seems to think that I have no issue with cheating and would do it again. The huge difference is I'm a grown woman now, I realise that communication is key and that by speaking to a partner that lots of hurt and upset can be avoided. Also to this day was I cheating? I don't know what the relationship was back then (video calls/mobile internet etc weren't a thing) random emails just catching up and one visit in 9 months ? I also would never knowingly get involved with someone that was married or had a partner and if I did then it would be ended as soon as I knew.

I'm now questioning everything including my new relationship (if it's still a thing). I am trying to give him space. Have sent a message but so far no reply.

I wouldn't have even told him... And I'd my DH told me that twenty years ago, he cheated on someone I wouldn't give a dam....

Why did you tell him any of this?! 😩

I agree that it was a long time in the past and so personally if I was him I probably wouldn't give a toss but how did this even come up in conversation?!

Well no.1 I don't think you cheated, and no.2 your current partner has absolutely no right to comment on your past like that.

Honestly I wouldn’t give someone the time of day who judged me on the things I was doing 10+ years ago.
Whether your actions at the time were right or wrong you’re not the same person you are now.
Also no you weren’t cheating as you and the guy weren’t together and my opinion is morally I wouldn’t sleep with someone who had a partner but technically you’re not doing anything wrong

Why was this even a topic of conversation?

I guess his past is all squeaky clean ?

Assuming that you’re being fully honest about the situation with your boyfriend of the time, I wouldn’t count it as cheating. It was more of an on again, off again situation.

The affair with the married guy - I understand how hard it can be disentangle yourself but I do judge you for excusing your role her. It’s a shitty thing to do to another person and if you can’t see that, I wouldn’t count feel our values don’t align.

But the present is what matters here and I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to try and pursue a relationship where one party has contempt for the other. This one is doomed. Walk away.

I wonder your current man was looking for an excuse to break things off with you and is trying to make you blame yourself? It's all so far in your past that I honestly can't believe he's geniunely worked up about it.

this is all so silly!

Also kudos to your memory. I struggle remembering stuff from 5 years ago!!

As others have asked, how did the subject of you and the man even come up? And so bloody what if you did that when you were younger? I wonder if this is the only thing that your current partner gets irrationally angry about.

So you were a bit of a tramp in your late teens early twenties. Who cares, loads of us were, though few will admit it.

Why in the name of fuck did you tell your current partner about any of this? What possible good could come from "oh by the way I once knowingly shagged a married man while I may or may not have been in a relationship with another man, haha isn't that a jape!" Like really were you expecting him to take it well? Laugh? Congratulate you? Ask for a play by play?

Contrary to popular rhetoric, sometimes better in than out. You can't unring this bell now, you'll just have to wait and see how he feels once his initial knee jerk reaction has settled.

If my dh told me that story and couldn't admit he'd done anything wrong I'd be a bit freaked out too, in all honesty.

I would need to hear something along the lines of "it was years ago, I know it wasn't great but I've grown up since then" and that would be fine. If he couldn't admit it was wrong to sleep with a married person and described himself as innocent I'd be concerned.

Frankly, the best thing for you OP, in my opinion is if you never hear from the jerk again.

Its not just about the past and being young and stupid. You've said that you still (now older and wiser) don't think you did anything wrong with continuing to sleep with a man once you knew he was married. You still think there is nothing wrong with that. I don't blame your OH for judging you for that, I would. It is wrong to have an affair with a married person even if you are not in a relationship yourself. It causes so much harm to the cheated on spouse. The fact that you still cannot see that says you have very different morals to your boyfriend.

I can see two sides. I agree it was a long time ago, so you're not longer that person. But if you've expressed thoughts like "I also think that an affair is down to the married/etc person and that the person they are seeing is pretty innocent" I'd be judging you too as I don't agree with that, not if you know someone is married. So he may be seeing a side of you he hasn't seen before.

I don’t understand why your new man is interested in how you were over 20 years ago, it’s a bit bizarre to assume your behaviour is the same as it was then. As pp said, a lot of us were a bit trampy in our late teens! To begin with I thought you were going to say that you were unfaithful to him all those years ago. His reaction would be more understandable then.

Different if you were admitting to a serious crime or similar but this just seems so judgemental and a bit silly. I’m not sure I’d have the patience to put up with a partner who made a big deal about my past.

FWIW I’m not sure my DH has any idea about me and vice versa. Never felt the need to discuss it.

He's now not speaking to me and says it's a red flag to him and is unsure about us now.

He doesn't want to be in the relationship and is using this as an excuse. Or he'll wants you to break it off. Sadly, if a man can't have a conversation about something that's upset him, then he's not mature enough to be a proper life partner.

So in my mind, he's not worth your energy.

I agree, it’s probably that bit (it’s the married person cheating) that’s the thing that worries him. Caring about your impact on others I guess. I do see your point of view though.

But I’d have left this in the past. I’m vaguely aware of a few people dh went out with but I don’t know any details. Did he ask for such detailed information? Because that’s a bit intrusive and worrying if he did.

To me the issue isn't you cheating on your ex from home - as he was and ex, and even if he thought you were sort of together, it was very loose you were young, so no big deal.

But sleeping with a married man, even at 19, is off to me, especially as you seem to be defending yourself, saying that the affair partner is 'pretty innocent'.

I slept with an older married man I met through work when I was 23, he told me he was seperated and I'd no reason not to believe him. Then he told me that they were living together but in an open relationship, I broke it off immediately, and 20 years on I'm still cross that I was taken in by such a creep.

You still slept with the guy you met when you found out he was married, and now you defend yourself by saying you were a teenager so it wasn't on you to end it.

I feel a bit judgey to be honest. Whether you think his view is reasonable or not, I'd say this one is over, and next time don't share your past in such detail.

Chuck him back. He's already judging you for your past and will throw this in your face with every argument. Twenty years ago you is very different to now, and you can't change the past.

Why have the discussion?

The UK guy sounds very on/ off so that doesn't sound like cheating at all.

In-country guy you were young, it's different from now that you continued, I agree. However if you said 'i believe cheating is all the partner's' fault
, despite the fact you wouldn't do it now, then I can see why he might have different values.

Depending on the exact conversation, I can see two potential sides. If you were very clear, I would never condone cheating now at all, and he was raging at you for your behaviour as a teenager, that's different to being turned off partly because you said the above.

No good comes from felling new partners about your past. I am baffled at why you even told him this.

I can see your pov on the married man issue. If my guy cheated on me with a woman i didn't know, I'm not going to be blaming her because she didn't owe me loyalty, he did but that doesn't mean she has morals either if she would get on with a married man. Also, you never cheated on your "bf", he wasn't your bf when you went abroad, just a friend with benefits.

Thanks all I wouldn't say I was cheating

As for the married guy let's just say speaking wasn't high on the agenda as English wasn't his strong point and Spanish isn't mine

I started I guess what was the affair in the April and it ended in sept I found out about the wife / partner and think it was only once or twice after that I ended it. Maybe subconsciously I knew it was wrong.

As for the blaming the cheat and not the person involved I have my reasons. Let's just say my ex was still very much with me but telling his new partner that we had split and were only living together to split costs and the only reason he never brought her home was because he didn't want to hurt me. This all came out when I spoke to her. He had spun a whole web of lies to both of us. I guess though every situation is very different.

As I have also said I don't agree with cheating, if there is a problem then address it or end the relationship before cheating. now I would end things immediately if I found out the person I was dating was involved with someone.

Looking back I know I was in the wrong but at the time I guess I didn't see it that way. I was also told through the grapevine about the wife / partner and he said it wasn't true. Again language barrier / miscommunication and or player? I also think as a much older man with a teenager can manipulate the situation to suit them.

Thanks all though. I definitely agree though that holding something against me for something I done so long ago is unfair. I think if he can't be mature enough to get over it then he's not for me.

@cheatingwhenyoung honestly you are such a different person now. Nobody is going to be the same as they were 20 years ago.