To believe this is gaslighting?

[bootstrap7]

Trying to express my needs to DP always ends in a rant about how much he does for this family and that I must be mentally ill so I need to go see someone.

I’ve been ill with the flu for 4 days, fever, body aches, nausea, weakness, sore throat etc. I had to look after two children alone (my 3 month old and 3 year old) so it’s obviously been hard as I haven’t been able to rest and recover. Plus I’m breastfeeding. I’ve had to spend the day in the bedroom with them so I can feed on the bed and not lift the baby too much as I I’ve been so weak I was scared I would drop my 3 month old.

I’ve had zero help from DP he hasn’t shown an ounce or care and when I first told him I was unwell with a fever he told me “Yeah I have stomach pains” hasn’t even offered to cook dinner or asked me if I’m ok. When I expressed to him that I needed help to rest but he hasn’t given me any he told me how much he works etc etc (I’m a SAHM) and how much he does for this family and that I need to get my head looked at as clearly something is wrong.

Am I being unreasonable asking for just a little care and help when I’m ill?

It’s not gaslighting.

It’s living with a complete knob.

The mentally ill accusations could be described as gaslighting, and it's a really disgusting attempt at making you doubt your own thoughts.

Does he do anything for your kids? You? He sounds like a hateful arsehole.

Yes. I would say that is gaslighting.

I have been through similar. The early years are hard. Can you and your partner have an honest talk when things are not heightened. When you both feel calm and able to discuss a better way forward. Do you have family and friends that can help give you a break while DP is at work. Hugs. I know this is a tough time when unwell but it is temporary.

As so often happens, the first response nails it.

No it's not gaslighting, but it doesn't sound like a remotely happy relationship and certainly not a partnership.

I think if the OP’s partner is behaving as described the relationship is beyond discussing a better way forward.

Trying to express my needs to DP always ends in a rant about how much he does for this family

Have a long hard think about what you want your future to look like. It seems your "DP" doesn't consider you or your needs at all, it's all about him.

It's particularly heartless to not even offer food to the mother of his children, who is still breastfeeding one of them, when quit obviously unwell.

If he doesn't see that this is disrespectful & completely lacking in love, I can't see any chance of a happy future. I'm sad for you.

It's not gaslighting, it's being with a selfish bastard.
My ex used to gaslight me, an example was he used to steal my jewellery but sometimes he would get some back from the pawn shop and put it in a safe place which I had already searched, I would then find it, think I was going mad and he would demand an apology for me accusing him and then repeat. You are with a useless excuse for a partner and some serious thinking is needed but it's not the psychology nightmare that is gaslighting

It’s both.

Accusing you of being mentally ill to “win” argument is what I would call gaslighting behaviour. I also agree with the person upthread who said if things are as bad as you describe talking it over with your partner is most likely a waste of time.

Once you’ve fully recovered from the flu you need to have a serious think about what you want from life going forward.

This post is spot on. Of course calling someone mentally ill so they don’t pull you up on your shit behaviour is gaslighting.

He must be mentally ill if he doesn’t realise there are men on this planet that work, do housework and look after their children when their partner or wife is unwell or even when they’re perfectly healthy. Thats common decency, love and respect. It’s not rocket science. OP you need set your bar much higher and demand to be treated like an equal not just a glorified slave.

You’re putting your career on hold to care for children that are equally his responsibility whilst he goes to work care free. What would he do if you went back to work or you left his pathetic, snivelling ass? Two questions I’d put to him at least. I would get back to work as soon as you’re able to and make plans to leave this knob. You’re not even financially secured by being married to him. I would never advise being married to someone who behaves like that either. I’d advise a divorce.

Calling someone mentally ill isn’t gaslighting in itself. It’s nasty verbal aggression. If he was pretending things had happened - e.g. saying he had cooked you food, but you’d said you didn’t want it, then saying you were mentally ill because you couldn’t remember - that would be gaslighting.

Whatever you call it, he sounds horrible, op.

Maybe OP is mentally ill, maybe they’re not. Repeating the same insult over and over is not gaslighting.

Gaslighting, abusive and an absolute prick

Has he always been a complete twat? Cos if so, twats are gonna twat. You being ill will not magically change a twat into a non-twat.

Accusing someone of being mentally ill in a response to someone expecting perfectly normal behaviour from you is gaslighting.

Expecting help as a vulnerable breast feeding mother from your children’s father especially when you’re unwell is not abnormal or the thought process of someone who is mentally unwell.

He’s trying to disorder her perception of reality and normality in order to not have to step up where he should. I say it again, that is gaslighting. It’s a classic tactic used to undermine someone’s self confidence so that they think they are the problem instead of the perpetrator. It’s sad that people such as yourself are giving misinformation to a woman who needs competent advice. Gaslighting isn’t just the way someone acts, it’s what they say also. People need to arm themselves with the facts for their own emotional protection.

Worrying about whether this is gaslighting or not is distracting you from the real issue, OP.

You are "being unreasonable asking for just a little care and help when I’m ill" FROM HIM because he doesn't care about you - he is incapable of caring for anyone, because he is a cunt. You are currently nothing more than a malfunctioning wife appliance, so far as he is concerned.

He will not change and will only get worse. Your life would be much more pleasant without him in it.

Perhaps. However this is a stressful time and bf with young children and being unwell is particularly difficult. It doesn't have to be the end of the road. Relationships can be worked on and improved. OP's partner isn't being supportive or fair to her and the comments are out of order. In a less stressful moment he may realise this and things can be turned around. Not always, of course. If this is repeatedly happening I agree with your advice.

First of all I hope you're feeling better! This sounds like enough to stress out even the most patient person in the world. Relationships are tough - loving someone and getting what you need from them are often two separate things. When things are calmed down, maybe you can find a time someone can stay with the kiddos and the two of you can go out and have a nice time, and a serious heart to heart? A lot of people don't realize how tough being a SAHM really is. Maybe he can take two or three days off of work and you go stay with a friend, a family member, etc. and he can give it a go - not in a retaliatory way, but for him to understand all that goes into it.

If talking and trying to fix things doesn't work, give yourself some time to think about are you willing to put up with this in the long run. There will definitely be more flus coming your way, more bad days, but also more good days, and hopefully more fun together. Some people have a much higher level of patience than others, and some don't get as bothered as others. Personally, I don't think I'd be able to handle full time life like this, but I know a lot of friends who could.

Is it possible to put the little ones in nursery? Daycare? Dealing with two kiddos at home every day, even with the most supportive partner in the world, can still be exhausting. Maybe if you can give yourself some space or a break you guys can find your way to a better relationship around the house.

Wishing you all the best of luck! Parenting is super hard and we should all be in it together!

He doesn't love you. People who love you want to take care of you.

God walk away from this selfish prick.

You need to get yourself better & leave the selfish prick!

He's horrible @bootstrap7 .

He doesn't love you. If he did he would help you when you are ill. Check you are ok. Look after his children etc.

He's a very selfish, self centred man. Do you really want to stay with him if he behaves like this?