Thinking of leaving marriage after infidelity

[lindseyy]

I have been going back and forth with myself about leaving my marriage. Last year while I was pregnant my husband decided to cheat on me and continue to talk to me about this woman. I somewhat thought him and this woman had something going on but I foolishly thought he would never hurt me like that. Until I went through his phone and found out. I knew with forgiving him I would have to never bring this up again but I'm genuinely hurt and I don't see him the same and as bad as I want to make our family work I may have to walk away.

I could possibly just be depressed because now I'm allowing myself to process these emotions. Since having our baby 3 weeks ago I've cried so much it makes me sick and I feel weak as a woman because I can't control it and I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. Bringing it up to him is a waste of time because he'll get upset that I'm still upset over his actions.

I love my husband so much and he has changed things since then but I simply do not trust him anymore nor do I see him the same way. I feel insecure about my looks because I no longer feel like he's attracted to me. At my lowest he decided to do what he did and then made me feel like a fool when I said I thought something was going on.

Today has been really hard as much as I wanna curl up into a ball and not move for days I still have to be here for my baby. We could be having a good day then I think about what he did and it puts me in a really bad mood. I really wish I could get over him doing this but I can't and it hurts because I wanted this to work. But I have to consider my feelings for once.

OP your husband cheating whilst you were pregnant is horrendous, the fact he never told you and then shuts you down when you try to talk about it is even worse. He should be doing everything he can to be fully transparent and prioritising your feelings - you cannot simply forgive and forget.

You are absolutely justified in leaving this marriage. You are worth so much more. Please seek support IRL and take care of yourself.

I am sorry he’s put you in such a horrible position. Sadly it is not the first time a man cheated during his wife’s pregnancy. As you had a baby only 3 weeks ago, I’s focus on you and baby now. Notice your feelings. It is a vulnerable time and you can safely delay any decision by at least a month.

Oh darling 😢
He isn’t sorry. He’s sorry he was caught. The fact that he puts guilt on you for bringing it up, instead of allowing you to talk through it and try and process it, speaks volumes to me.
You are absolutely justified in leaving. I personally feel there is no going back after something like that. What should have been the most special time of your life (the pregnancy and birth of your first child) will always be tainted by his actions.
At the very least, get some marriage counselling to hash it out with him in a controlled environment where he can’t manipulate and guilt you.
But personally, I would be gone.

Spot on, I’m so sorry op. This man is a horrible person, you need to get out.

I'm so sorry to read this OP. I can only echo the previous messages. Do you have a support network who you can turn to? I hope so x

I’m so sorry, you understandably sound absolutely bereft, it’s heartbreaking.

I don’t like the fact that you seem to think it’s a problem with you “not being able to get over it”, that’s not the case at all. It’s not a you problem.

The bastard seems to be trying to brush this under the carpet and try to make you suppress your feelings. That’s adding insult to injury.

Please find someone in real life you can talk to, a parent, a sister, a really good friend. Don’t be ashamed of telling them. You need someone who is going to look after you, get you and baby settled and relieve the awful stress your under, by sharing and listening to you.

If your marriage can be saved, I don’t know, but don’t put yourself under any pressure to make any decisions right now.

I'm so sorry for you. Xx

Right now you need to just take it day by day and focus on the baby. Then I’d advise you to play the long game - decide what you want and then be smart about it.

It’s ok if you choose to stay, but I’d strongly suggest marriage counselling or something similar so that you have somewhere to speak where you can’t be shut down. He needs to hear that you don’t trust him, that you look at him differently and that you resent that he lied to your face and had an affair when you were at your most vulnerable. He doesn’t get to just shut you down or get upset that you’re upset - these are the consequences of his actions. If he can’t commit to that or really hear you then I’d say the marriage is pretty much doomed and it’s just a question of how many years you want to waste?

if you do decide you can’t continue with the marriage, make smart choices. Do you have family or friends you could move in with? Could you afford to live independently? What are you entitled to financially? Are you working? Maternity leave plans? Get everything sorted (when you are recovered and feel able to - there’s no rush) and then tell him your plan/decisions. Tell him the truth: you genuinely tried to move past it but ultimately you cannot trust him, can’t look at him the same and it’d be better to split and coparent amicably than stay in a marriage where you are settling for less than you deserve.