To think this ended my childhood aged 10?

[DavidStent]

We were on holiday in Greece when I was 10 and knew day after a normal day at the pool I went up to out hotel room with a towel round me and my mother was in bed and started shouting at me, very drunk and aggressive

She shouted

“you’re the only reason I’m still with your father!!”

I then cried through shock and she said “if you want to cry go out to the balcony!” So I went to the balcony.

i used to love playing on the Pac Man machine and my mum used to give me change - this time she gave me a shed load of change to go down and play - but even though I loved the game before - it had now lost its appeal.

me and my dad then went down to dinner where I was quiet and traumatised

We the went back to the room and sat in silence.

My mum when turned to me and said “do you want to go out for a walk with me?” I said “yes”.

when we were on the walk she said to me “you WOULD make ME come on this walk and not your father, wouldn’t you?”

We then went back to the room but me and my mum later that evening went out with a family we’d met on holiday to watch a show in a local taverna type place. My Dad stayed in the hotel.

Next morning my parents were holding hands and my mum turned to me and said :

”you see me and your father can’t split up otherwise we wouldn’t be allowed to carry on going to St Joseph’s” (St Joseph’s is the church we went to)

My mum never once said she was sorry for behaving the way she did that night - we were all just meant to carry on as normal as if nothing had happened!

After this, I lost interest in the type of things 10 year old girls are typically in to - like birthday parties, for instance. I never had another birthday party after this - when one of my friends asked me why I didn’t have a party I just said “my mother works” - but it wasn’t because of that - my mum’s always worked and I’ve had parties before - it was just because of this incident - I’d lost my mojo!

Thing is - by this time I didn’t care if not having parties made me less popular with my peers - I didn’t care much about anything by this time ! I also hated other girls’ parties - I just thought I had nothing in common with girls in my class!

AIBU to think that my childhood effectively ended because of this incident aged 10? I was never quite the same afterwards. Just for context I wasn’t even in my last year of primary school

That sounds very difficult and distressing. I’m so sorry you experienced that. Her job was to make you feel safe and secure and instead she took away the foundations of your family.

Thank you for responding .

Looking back at this through adult eyes I feel the reason she had this ‘episode’ is that at that time, she couldn’t cope with certain aspects of life. But that’s no excuse- I mean adult life is difficult in some ways for everyone but you don’t take it out on a defenceless child !

You’re not wrong to feel upset with how your mother didn’t shield you from her trauma. And with your father who it sounds like would have seen you upset throughout the holiday and after and did nothing.

The thing to remember is parents aren’t Gods, they’re just adults making the same mistakes as everyone else.

I'm so sorry your mother behaved this way. It was an appalling thing to say to anyone - let alone a child.

I'm sorry you have such a horrible memory playing on your mind. Do you have a relationship with your mother now? Have you discussed this incident with her or your father? Is she an alcoholic?

That sounds really grim and hurtful but (if it were really just one incident rather than the culmination of a wider pattern of abusive behaviour) your reaction to it was also rather extreme. I'd be really surprised if this incident, traumatic as it was, wasn't part of a wider picture of disfunction. It sounds as though you completely and irrevocably lost faith in your mother that day. 🙁

My mother’s several decades in the ground, I’m afraid! My Dad also died a few years ago - but i did mention it to him - he was shocked as he didn’t know exactly what she’d initially said .

yes my mum was an alcoholic

Mothers and Fathers are really powerful. We need them.

One good one is enough, though two are awesome. It sounds as though you had viewed your mum as the key parent and and she broke that trust. Your dad hadn’t stepped up before or after. So he is equally to blame.

We don’t know what pressures our parents are under.

Yes it was part of a wider pattern of abusive behaviour

It does sound horrible and very distressing. However, as someone who grew up in poverty and with an alcoholic mentally ill father. You saying that it ended your childhood sounds dramatic.

Unless there is way more to this than what's in your op.

unfortunately there was way more to it

It serves you no good, to go over this now.
It’s harmful to you, and isn’t helping you live a happy life.
Accept that their relationship wasn’t the greatest. They tried to stay togetther but it was difficult.
You don’t have to relive this now.
You can make the most of what they wanted for you, a happier life.

I'm very sorry, OP.
Mine ended at around five, when my narcissistic mother asked me whether she should divorce my father (a drunk, emotionally abusive idiot).
At 13, I found my anger and made a good life for myself later.
Abusive parents are shit.
Put yourself first and don't think what ended, someone else effectively did that to you.
Think about your own comfort, achievements and what YOU want/don't want.
Fuck abusive parents - they can be used or you can go no contact, however dire, it's not the fault of the child involved, it's always the adults.
🍀

I don't think your reaction to it was extreme or dramatic at all. It sounds like a very traumatic thing to happen and not one where you could choose how to reacted anyway.
Your mum basically said that she blamed you for her unhappiness and from that point on you didn't feel loved? It may be that because it did affect you so badly at the time it is a very clear memory which you have given more meaning to that other less traumatic events.
Do you and did you, feel like she meant it or was she drunk.

There comes a time in every child's life where they realise their parents are fallible. It is highly unfortunate your time was so traumatic and extreme. I would consider therapy to help you process this as it sounds deeply traumatic and abrupt.

It wasn’t this one incident- it was the fact your mother was an alcoholic.

I disagree, repressing things rarely works. You can't reach a place of acceptance unless you have come to terms with it

So true - and I’m SO glad you’ve built a happier life for yourself !

This view is really naive and harmful.

Childhood abuse has long term consequences and in order to heal people need to be able to revisit and examine those memories, discuss them with others, and get support with the emotions.

I hope you find healing and peace

This should never have happened. It was emotionally abusive towards you.

Feeling like your childhood ended is a valid response. I can identify with the feeling that after an event, I was never the same, never not vigilant.

Oh those memories worm into your brain like fibreglass and last forever don't they? I bet if you asked her now she'd not remember saying any of it. The axe forgets but the tree remembers, as they say.

I have no advice for getting rid of it as I have a few of my own, I'm sure therapy would be helpful if it were either affordable or accessible. Just hugs and solidarity, parents really can effortlessly fuck us up can't they?

Thank you. Parents really can

I think there are events that act as the breaking point, this incident acted as the breaking point for her (after all the other shit her mother gave her)

OP a key to all of this is acceptance your mother was frankly an absolutely shit mother, no excuses for her. I had to do this for my own parents who emotionally were a fucking nightmare.

It wasn't until I had my own children I saw although however hard raising children are, some people are simply shit at parenting and should have never become parents, i saw it in my siblings, in friends, in parents of my DC friends, its not something that magically transforms people into good parents, they step up or they can't. Yours, like mine, couldn't.

You can only just move on, and detach yourself from any blame, yours or your parents really, they just couldn't hack it. A bit like some people , no matter how hard they try, would make awful policeman, or teachers or whatever.

Just grieve for the childhood you wished you had, but never did have and move on , gain therapy if you can, some online resources are 'affordable'.

Ok OP am sorry you went through that and clearly it’s had a lasting negative effect on you.

I am going to say though, in the grand scheme of abuse and trauma, is this really the worst thing that ever happened to you then your very lucky. My mother said stuff like this to me everyday for years! I’ve grown up resilient and determined and frankly a better parent because I’d never subject my kids to that behaviour.

Do you think maybe you could go beyond that night, do you have anything in life that you can focus on that’s positive?