To ask how you’d feel about this?

[PrincessPeache]

If your child attends Rainbows or Beavers (or other clubs at the same age so 6/7yo), and they are a sensitive child who it perhaps a bit shy, how would you feel about the leaders giving them hugs or the child sitting on their lap? (Specifically thinking female leaders if it makes a difference).

Does the child have form for sitting on other people’s laps? I have a son this age. He isn’t shy at all but it would be out of character for him to be affectionate in this way with anyone other than me or his dad.
My instinctive reaction is that it’s not really appropriate but it depends on the circumstances. Was the child hurt and needed comforting?

My DD went to Rainbows and was a bit shy but I don't think they ever hugged her etc. I would prefer they did if she was upset though. is he familiar with them, has been going there a while?

There are 3 children who do this. One doesn’t seem emotionally ready to be there at all (but joined six months ago). Very much just ask to go home and spends the first half of the session glued to one particular leader, hugging her and wanting to sit on her lap if the leader is ever sat down.

The other two are children of other leaders elsewhere in the group (but not leaders in that particular session) - so their parents are friends with the leader and the children know her very well.

Saying that, there may well be policies for beevers/rainbows leaders regarding this but not 100 percent sure. Their policies will be on the websites

I'm a helper at brownies. Breaks my heart if a little one is sad and knowing some parents might not want you to hug their child. It's all you want to do to comfort them, because you care for them, you feel mean when they are crying and you just leave them to it, so sad that this is the world we live in now

Hmm, not sure. Not all children like hugs, I didn't myself when I was that age and would have hated a stranger trying to hug me.

This is very much the children initiating it and seeking comfort from the adults involved.

If the child has sought the attention and also is comfortable with it, I don't understand what you're asking, OP. I do think though, that if they're at something like beavers, they're clearly not ready to be there and it's pointless if they're not going to join in. They are also monopolising that leader to the detriment of the other children. But I wouldn't question the leader's behaviour, if that's what you're getting at.

When I was a Beaver leader, we were told that if a child wanted a hug, it was fine to give them a hug. Strict rules exist around never being alone with a child in those organisations. I was always glad that we were allowed to comfort the children if needed. They were very young and sweet.

As a Beaver Leader this wouldn't happen. We wouldn't let a child sit on our lap and we wouldn't hug them. We would sit them down at one side of our hut and talk to them and reassure them.

I'd hug a child sitting next to me in public. One arm round shoulders and a quick squeeze.

If they are children of other leaders, there's a different dynamic anyway. My kids regarded our youth group's adults as effectively family members and would happily have accepted a hug.

Is the female leader wearing dominatrix style clothing and carrying an assault rifle?

I've been that leader that has had children clambering all over her. I'd never allow it anywhere we were 1:1 and the parents were aware and fine with it and entirely child initiated. Obviously I used that connection to build their confidence, to be my helper etc if they weren't ready to take part.

Fair enough.

Thanks all. I’m the leader in question 😬 I don’t really bat an eyelid at the other leaders kids doing it because like someone up thread said, they’re basically my little scout family anyway and I know their parents wouldn’t mind at all. But there’s one child in particular who I really don’t think is emotionally ready to be there and isn’t gaining anything from it, and just clings to me. We are a large group and have a lot of leaders so it doesn’t really detriment the other kids too much but it makes me a bit uncomfortable that other adults might start to question it (there are usually one or two different parents there each week because their children have asked them to stay).

I did check with our main leader and she was fine with it. I’d personally speak to her parent about the fact she doesn’t seem to be enjoying it but our Group Leader would throw a huge fit about it. He’s obsessed with growing our numbers 🙄

@PrincessPeache what other strategies have you tried?

I would approach this less that they are emotionally immature but that they may have some undiagnosed condition and build more inclusive ways to take part in the activities. Whether they actually are or not doesn't matter as the approaches will work regardless.

You could buy a super soft pillow, a hairy one or a sequin one all good for sensory input and say 'Oh no you can't sit on me today as I've hurt my knee but you can sit next to me. And give the pillow for sensory comforting or to sit on. Obviously you can't let anyone else sit on your knees either.

Give them jobs to do to help you.

Set up an activity station away from the main group. Begin by putting all the resources on their table. And then leaving some on the other table so they have to go and collect them.

Settle them at the table and use a visual timer / sand timer / digital version and say "Wow, you've made a great start. I'm just going to do X, Y, Z. I'm looking forward to what you make. Call me when the timer is empty and I'll come see what you've made".
You need to give them security that you'll come back, often they don't think you'll come back for them but an item / art work whatever they are doing.

The hugging I wouldn't have any problem with, it's a natural greeting and a natural comfort, especially if it's the child seeking it out.

The sitting on leaders lap, I wouldn't want this. Not because there's anything wrong with that level of comfort, especially in a trusted leader. But it singles out and infantilises that child against the others. So if my child is already shy or lacking confidence and I'm sending them to rainbows or beavers, rather than sit them on the leaders lap and baby them, I'd prefer to find ways to build their confidence. So that might be a quick hug for comfort, followed by helping them join an existing group of kids, or getting them started on the activity.

Interestingly I’m actually designing an inclusion plan for our group because it has gotten so big that we have a lot of children there with additional needs, both diagnosed and undiagnosed, and this is my specialism!

I’ve done a lot of work with this child first on building an attachment so she knows she has a safe adult there, and then at supporting her to build relationships with other children in the group. We are getting there but at the start of each session she’s quite anxious and spends a lot of time trying to hold my hand and hug me.

The sitting on my lap was at a performance/show we attended as a group as she sat next to me. Majority of children had their parents with them but hers didn’t stay so I said she could sit with me and she kept trying to sit on my lap. Our section leader was sat next to me and I checked it was ok and she said it was fine but it did make me wonder if the other parents present might question it.

How do I feel about this>

• irritated by yet another poster that doesn't get that a title should give some indication of what the thread is about.