To think it’s really hard to pull yourself out of a rut?

[paperklip]

I’ve been in a rut for 4 years. Just can’t seem to get myself out of it. I can’t work out if it’s me, am I lazy, am I not trying hard enough. Or if it is just completely normal to struggle with getting yourself out of being stuck in a rut.

5 years ago I had just moved in with now DH, we loved travelling, got engaged, married and everything was incredible and fun. 4 years ago I experienced (TW) 2 miscarriages. I just lost myself to be honest, nearly all my friends were pregnant at the same time and I feel like I disappeared from them all for a bit. I then became pregnant with my now 2.5 year old DS and had the most anxious pregnancy, ended up on sick leave at 6 months pregnant due to extreme anxiety.

I just feel like a shell of a person I was before, I’ve gained a lot of weight and over eat. I try diets then give up after 3 days. I say I’ll exercise more and never do. None of the clothes in my wardrobe fit me properly or are flattering. I have no savings. I don’t want to travel anymore and get anxiety at the thought of flying etc which is just unlike me as I used to travel a lot.

My son is not the reason I feel this way, I feel like I slipped into this rut before he arrived, and he gives me so much happiness. I feel bad that I am not the mum I thought I would be, organised, happy, playing with him 24/7.

I guess I’m reaching out more for a hand hold than an AIBU, but I don’t know if it’s me who isn’t doing enough to feel myself again. If you were ever in a rut, how did you pull yourself out?

Yes I have started CBT again as well, very recently

You are not alone. I've been in a rut too. Trying to claw my way out also. It's a hard, stressful world we are living in. Not easy at all for alot of us.

I try and focus on the small thing, trying to build a more simple lifestyle overall.

I think you need to start by removing some of the pressure on yourself. You’ve listed a few different areas you’re not happy with, and you aren’t going to be able to change your life overnight, so give yourself some credit for the things you are doing. You recognise that you want to change and you’ve sorted out CBT. That’s massive. That first step is often the hardest and you’ve done it.

Honestly it sounds like you have severe depression, not just being in a 'rut'. It's amazing that you've started CBT - I find that antidepressants have really helped me too (in combination with therapy), maybe you could try this as well? Really sorry you're going through this, and I hope you feel better soon.

Me

It sounds like you are depressed, which is not surprising given what you've been through with two miscarriages and losing touch with your friends. Can you afford counselling? I think you need a load of self care. Don't set goals like losing weight or exercising more, you will just feel bad when you don't achieve them. Try to identify what self care you need (one hour to yourself each day, regular catch ups with a friend, time for your hobbies etc) and start there. Taking baby steps back to the old you. Your son doesn't need you playing with him 24/7 ... he needs a mum who loves herself. Your life has had some massive upheavals and you have lost your way. Be kind to yourself. You can do this.

I had three miscarriages before my first DD and I identify so much with that all consuming anxiety. Looking back I realise I was really mentally unwell. I could easily have slipped into the same rut if DD2 hadn’t come along less than 16 months later but I think I just had so much going on it snapped me out of it although I am definitely a ‘worse case scenario’ type of person now.
Pregnancy loss can cause anxiety and even PTSD so please talk to your partner and your GP about how you’re feeling to see if there is anything else they can do to help. You’re not alone

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Being a mum is tough. I found every day a whirlwind, housework and organisation got swept aside. When does your son start nursery? That's usually a time when you can claw some of your life back. In the meantime, take care of yourself OP.

It is hard OP, and it sounds like your self-talk is stuck in a negative loop. Recently I have found it helpful to work on this, not in a toxic positivity “everything is amazing” way but in a compassionate and believable way. Try to reframe the way you think about yourself, “I’m working on being healthy and happy” “I am a loving mum” “my son fills me with joy”. I have found repeating similar statements to myself to be grounding and uplifting when I have been feeling down and I am feeling a shift to naturally feeling gratitude over guilt. I’m so sorry for the loss of your babies, grief is powerful because your love is x

It may be worth trying the book Atomic Habits. It's got some good suggestions in there to try build new habits. I would focus on getting exercise as the first habit you build because the endorphins should help with anxiety and mental well being.

You're not alone, OP. The miscarriages were the detail that leapt out at me from your post. Did you get much in the way of support when this happened? Personally or professionally. My gut feeling that you're "stuck", in a way, because you haven't processed what happened or how you feel about it.

You're experiencing anxieties you never used to because now you know how easily the simple things people do every day, that are supposed to be good and exciting, can turn into sources of fear. And it's no wonder. The worst did happen to you. Twice. It's hard to self-soothe and tell yourself your fears are all in your head, when it feels like the universe has presented you with a pattern of bad things happening to you, over and over. Anxiety is such a normal response, in the circumstances.

It would also be pretty normal, in your situation, to feel like maybe you don't deserve nice things. Like you don't know if you deserve to be happy. Or are allowed to be, anymore. Is there a part of you that feels like this, OP? Maybe the reason you find it hard to be that person you used to be is because there's a part of you which thinks you don't deserve to be happy, or healthy, or to enjoy motherhood the way you once wanted to.

We have a way of blaming ourselves when bad things happen to us. Even when it's completely unfair and there is no possible way we could have controlled the outcome. Sometimes that fear that random, horrendous bad luck could strike you and take away everything you care about, makes you even more inclined to blame yourself. Because in some strange way it's easier to blame the person in the mirror, than to think it all happened because of God or the universe, or no reason at all. But you're not to blame, OP. And you do deserve to be happy.

This might all be so squashed down and internalised you don't even know that's the place your actions are coming from. But I've felt the same at various points in my life, and when I drilled down into it, that's what it was. I couldn't invest in my own happiness, because my life just kept going wrong for reasons that were beyond my control. And that didn't fit the story I had in my head. The one that said I could pull myself up by my bootstraps and fix everything myself, if I just tried hard enough and made the right choices.

So I decided I must be the problem. And even though it was never a clear thought like that in my head, it showed itself in a thousand different ways in my actions. I would never think "I hate myself and it's all my fault". But I suddenly became anxiety ridden over things that never bothered me before. I didn't take care of my body, or do nice things for myself. I was punishing myself, without even knowing it. Because there was nowhere else to direct the anger I felt at what my life had turned into. There was nothing else I could control.

Maybe I'm overstepping, but there was a lot that felt familiar in your post. Especially when you said you felt like a shell of a person. I really think it's worth considering, at least, that you need someone to help you process the trauma of those two miscarriages, and the strain of the subsequent pregnancy with your son. There's no easy fix for what you went through, but I suspect it is the root of everything you're feeling now 🌺

First off. Noone plays with their kid 24/7!
Sounds to me like you have had a rough ride and are doing your best.

Perhaps try focussing on really small changes and consolidating them into a habit.
A whole exercise regime seems unrealistic right now. Perhaps-i am going to make sure i get out for at least a 20 minute walk every day. This is also good for your mental health and easy to do with or without your dc.

Diet wise. Maybe now isnt the right time? But what about. Im going to only have 1 takeaway a week. Or im going to cut down to 1 diet coke a day. Or stop buying biscuits. Or am going to make sure i eat one piece of fruit a day and drink 1L of water and properly nourish myself.

Make sure you do 30 mins of focussed play with you son a day and read 1 book. It's unrealistic to think you can give him your full attention all day.

Alongside the cbt is moving away from all or
Nothing thinking.

Be the change you want to see. Of course it’s hard getting out of a rut, it normally takes a good scrappy fight to come out of it, but once out, it’s the best feeling. Not only have you got to want it, you got to go hard with a good fighting effort, I think that’s the tricky bit, and why ruts can take so long to come out off, because you got to fight, which takes stamina and energy, which is hard to obtain when your in a rut. Bit of a vicious circle really. You either do it or you don’t, but not for one minute think it’s impossible because it’s not, it’s a case of getting on with it and picking yourself back up when you fall. Everyone falls, it’s part of the process and defines if you really do want to make a change or not.

Another problem with ruts is people are very sympathetic, as a lot of people have been in one themselves and can show empathy about the situation, but that normally leads to the recipient justifying not taking full responsibility of getting out of it, because it is hard, others know it’s hard, so therefore it’s ok for you to take this slow, which just leads to a lack of action.

Tough love is normally a better cause of action, but it’s understandable why other humans don’t take this approach with others, as it often feels mean or can be taken as “kicking someone whilst their down” but the truth is only you can do it, don’t accept excuses, they just hold you back, get on with it! If you don’t want to be living in a rut and want change, do it.