To not facilitate contact until ex has got CAO?

[WarriorForRent]

I am looking for some advice and to hopefully get some reassurance that I'm not being unreasonable.

DC is 6 months old. I split with ex when I found out I was pregnant and have only seen him once in almost a year and a half (at my 20 week scan). He didnt even show up at the hospital when she was born and in NICU. He has not met DC and despite being bombarded by messages by him for contact, he has made no effort to step up. His messages are laced threats, insults and ultimatums. Its very clear he only wants contact in order to see me.
At one point i approached SS for advice and after completing a risk assessment with him, recommended that supervised contact at a contact center that he funds himself is the only safe way contact would be manageable. I have a detailed report about their own risk factor findings and their recommendation.
Ex is aware of the recommendations but claims he can't afford to fund any private centers (this is a lie). He also claims that he will not agree to contact where I am not also present either.

I'm still being bombarded with messages now, through email, text, social media. I ignore, I block, and he just creates new accounts so the cycle repeats again. I, and my family members are now also being approached in the street by his family too. Its really annoying and causes me alot of anxiety. I feel really sad for DC that this is who they are stuck with as a father. Someone who doesn't even care about them enough to send even a card at christmas. I personally think any contact would be dangerous.

AIBU for not allowing contact without a court order? Would court likely approve contact anyways?

Sorry that was longer than I intended.

I agree with your approach.

"He also claims that he will not agree to contact where I am not also present either." Sounds like he won't see his child then. There's no way he can force you to see him.

Sounds awful, well done for getting social services involved. I wouldn’t worry about a Christmas card for a 6 month old. My 5 year old wouldn’t worry about a card either!

Time to get a non-molestation order to deal with his harassment!

Can you change your number and move away? Keep that number active in a spare phone to collect evidence if you can?

Definitely!

It sounds like supervised access in a contact centre is the right decision and if he chooses to reject that option then that's his choice but not your problem.

You need to report him for harassment.

Keep all messages, keep a diary and record everything.

Do not facilitate contact.

Oh of course, the Christmas card in itself isn't the point I was trying to make. Its more to say if he is so bothered about contact and being a dad to dc, who he claims is so desperate to be involved with in messages, surely something like that would have even been a small gesture of physical effort shown to say im thinking of you. It may not be relevant now, but to a child, years down the line it might.

I would get one of the court approved Co-parenting Apps and tell him any contact with you should ONLY be about setting up contact with DC and has to use that app. That his next step is to book mediation.

Rights if women can help you get a non-mol and speak to your local DV police unit about reporting him for harassment.

The baby is 6 months so he does not know or care about cards
He won't be asking who his dad is til a few years time.
Let him go to court
Ask for supervised
Show the harassing messages
Don't engage

I can understand him wanting you to be there tbh, baby is only 6 months old.

Wait for him to take action, by that I mean supervised access. What are his family like?

I understand in a normal setting that requesting me to be part of the early stages of contact would be seen as normal, especially since they've never met. However in these circumstances independent supervision is both needed and appropriate. I did offer to attend the first session to settle DC and give a brief run through of general info but that was declined.

His family are strange and a risk in themselves. Ive only met his mum and both his sisters once, whilst we were together. In the span of the relationship, i heard alot of red flags from ex about them and they became quite verbally abusive and intimidating, they accused me of things i hadnt done and made threats to come to my door and cave my head in. 2 occasions they've approached me since having DC, one time they walked over and removed DC out of the pram, and threatened me. They have since approached my mum in particular to secretly meet them and provide contact with DC behind my back. They also keep asking them odd questions about me, rather than asking anything about DC.

Is he not capable of looking after a 6 month old? Op is

I would speak to women's aid and the police about non mol order. You've sought advice and come up with a suitable solution for contact. Therefore not denying it to him.
Ignore and block repeatedly, if any of his family see you and say anything repeat social services have advised the correct way forward. It's up to him to organise.

He cannot force you to see him and it’s not as if you have not allowed contact. I think courts would take a dim view of his insistence that you are there. The one horrible thing though is that the British system favours a parent having contact, however bloody awful they are.

I just wanted to pop on and say OP that I'm in a very similar situation (broke up in pregnancy and very limited contact with child since then), child is a bit older than yours.

I'm also in the situation where ex allegedly wants contact, but does nothing actually about this, and continues to harass/threaten/intimidate me.

I actually offered my ex contact, but he couldn't stick to it. Hence I have rescinded the arrangement and told him to get CAO.

I've seen a solicitor who said there is nothing wrong with doing this and it won't be viewed badly. I'm not preventing contact, I have offered him an option to arrange contact through court and it's him that's not taken that opportunity.

Not sure if it makes a difference but my child's dad isn't on the birth certificate either.

And absolutely report his harassment to the police, in my situation it was taken very seriously (still on going so can't say much but he was arrested).

Police time OP - this is likely to be harassment.

You must report this to the police. If he applies to court, there are searches that are undertaken and his harassment will be see .

Do not engage. Let him apply and see what happens. Police and Women's Aid are your port of call here given you've already contacted SS.

Keep your powder dry
act in the best interests of your child
professionals have recommended supervised contact so that’s what you should follow. You will be able to calmly justify in court (if it ever came to that!) that you weren’t blocking contact just wanted professional recommendations to be followed. I doubt he’ll follow through. And yy to non molestation order and reporting harassment.

Thank you everyone so far for your comments it's both helpful and reassuring.

The only reason I haven't yet looked at reporting these issues to the police (other than the physical incidents) is because I stupidly assumed they wouldn't be interested as it could just be seen as him attempting to gain access to his child. Due to the fact that the first message is always heavily child focused and how he's moved on but then other messages follow and his true intentions quickly get shown. So ive found it difficult to feel like it is enough evidence to report or gain a non mol with. However moving forward this is something I'm going to make a priority, all messages, accounts and numbers I have kept copies of anyways.

I'm almost 95% certain he won't take this to court. I don't think you can get legal aid for this (correct me if I'm wrong) and if he's allegedly unable to fund a contact center it's unlikely he will pay court costs which will be alot more expensive. Plus he wont want his only possible (in his mind) route to me severed.

A lot of men do the "poor me I can't afford court" thing, but reality is you don't need a solicitor to apply to family court.

Plenty of people do it themselves and it costs about £240 iirc to apply.

It's just another excuse by useless parents, especially the ones who think they can just bully the other parent.

Definitely report to police OP. It's harassment whether it's about child contact or not.

Make sure you put it writing (text is fine) that he is not to contact you any more and to go through the proper channels

Please don't confuse the police thinking you're blocking contact with the harassment you are dealing with. The police are not interested in that, it's a civil matter to be dealt with by the family court. The harassment on the other hand is a police matter and I urge you to make a report asap.

This.

Is he paying child maintenance I wonder? If not he should be.