To cancel trip out with DD

[Slowhorses1]

DD (8) just had the most epic tantrum out of clear blue sky this morning. We’ve started saying she can watch Saturday morning TV and it seems to be in response to having to switch it off.

I was due to take her out to play football and then promised her a bubble tea and wander / shop round the local market after. WIBU to cancel it or too harsh?

Can be very tempting to punish by withdrawing a treat, have definitely been there.

But you say it's unusual behaviour for her? If she is usually well mannered calm etc, then it's probably one of 2 things

• something has hapenned this week to throw her off balance, and some gentle questioning may be helpful
• she is going through a hormonal change, there is one around 8, and a previously lovely child can turn into a grumpy screaming mess.

The 1 to 1 time may be just what she needs to restore some equilibrium and may open up. I would definitely feedback that behaviour is not acceptable, bit if this is a 'first offence' then I wouldn't punish.

Thanks for your measured response @Bushmillsbabe It’s not exactly a first offence. She is prone to anxiety which she’s done really well to overcome well. But she can be quite emotionally and easily frustrated.

I wouldn’t say it happens all the time but it does happen on occasion.

No don't cancel the trip. That 1:1 time is crucial to check-in with HR over the week. Don't do Saturday morning TV going forward instead if it's that that's causing issues and let her watch it later in the day when she is done being outside for the day.

Don't cancel the trip. She's only 8 she's allowed to have big feelings.

Ok thank you all. Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in the emotion of it all, quite frankly I feel exhausted after it and emotionally drained but good to get some perspective

Totally understand your feelings so absolutely no judgement but, and it is a cliche, when children are at their least loveable is when they need the most love (probably same for adults). Try to imagine you had a bad time and were snappy with someone for no reason. You would feel absolutely shit. What would make you feel better? That person showing you kindness and love anyway. Don't push her further away. Have a nice day with your daughter.

I find on MN, posters absolutely love to recommend the harshest punishments imaginable, with cries of “brat” and “they need to learn” (pleasantly surprised to find the first few responses aren’t like that - that usually sets the tone of the thread going forward 😉) but I would be asking myself what’s going on with her to have triggered this.

If you’re out in the car later, try asking her then. You’d be surprised how much kids can open up when you’re not sitting looking at them.

I'd also, if you didn't, give clear notice in advance of switching off the TV (and reminders) and try to ensure it corresponds with the end of a programme. If it was half way through something she was enjoying I can see why she might kick off.

I would use the time out with her to calmly discuss how she feels watching TV and being asked to turn it off has changed her behaviour and what she thinks you should all do to help her not feel so out of control and come to some agreement.

If she was 3. But she is 8. She sounds a bit spoilt and inmature if she is tantruming like a toddler over tv. Some mind grumbling and oh muuuum maybe but not the aggressive reaction OP has been treated to (and the expecting treats?)

I'd be cancelling treats tbh

I'd still do time in/ 1 to 1 / engagement

But I not be fannying around buying bubble teas and the like.

It is possible to do both - be engaged and emotionally available and not be permissive walkover.

She's disregulated, you need or should want her to be in a receptive state of mind when having this conversation to better her behaviour ( behaviour is communication still ) cancelling time with her ( shouldn't see it as a treat really ) will cause further upset and disregulation and won't be conductive to your end goal.

Prone to anxiety. Emotional. Easily frustrated.

My DD, age 20, responds so much better with good clear warnings and not stopping things in the middle.

Some SEN, emotional trauma & anxiety.

So easy, there are times when I have given consequences which on reflection were out if proportion to the 'offence'. My 9 year definitely knows how to push my buttons! But I have found out over time that often the meltdown is a build up of 'pressure' which has built up over time. If the meltdown ends in tears, it's something going on which she just had to get out of her system. If it ends with her looking like nothing hapenned, she was just being a stroppy pre teen, so I delay my consequences until I have figured out which one of these it is.

I've never punished my kids and dc1 used to have meltdowns about tv like that. It got so bad that I just stopped letting him watch tv on weekdays as evenings were really stressful.
I did what others have suggested and gave a warning beforehand but it wasn't always effective.
He grew out of it eventually and I've never regretted not punishing my kids. I just dealt with the matter at hand.
They're not spoilt at all and are calm and well mannered etc.

Thank you all! I took her out after football. I spoke to her about how her behaviour had been unacceptable and how it has repercussions. I asked how she felt we could all manage it better.

I still took her for tea and the local market. I still felt emotionally exhausted all day but hopefully I hid it. Although any help on that front would be appreciated!

That sounds really positive but what makes you feel so emotionally drained?
Find ways to ground yourself but if you're prone to feeling overwhelmed then regular exercise, walks and time out in nature really helps to manage emotions.

I don’t know, and it’s a question I’ve asked myself all day.

I think it boils down to the fact that she’s quite demanding anyway. So we go out of our way to facilitate and enable her plans and desires. But quite often there’ll be a problem or an issue. I can normally handle it. But today I just felt like managing her emotions this morning made me go a little bit numb to everything.

TBH I still feel it now and that’s unusual. Been feeling really flat for the last two days. I’m likely getting my period in the next week and have found that the last year I’ve had worse PMT probably as the result of peri.

When she does have moments like today, I’m finding my tolerance for them increasingly low.

I think you've given the answer yourself. Stop going out of your way to enable the demanding behaviour. She needs to hear No more often. I would punish but connect it to the tantrum. She kicked off over switching Sat morning TV off. Punishment is no TV next Saturday morning.

Make sure you stick to it, don't say it but then not do it, never threaten something you won't follow through and behaviour does improve.

I absolutely get where you are coming from. I used to be like that too, doing everything in my power to try to make things run smoothly and avoid her kicking off, and when they do, it is even harder as you are so exhausted from trying to steady the ship, and you feel let down that you have tried so hard and then still things went a bit crazy.

So DH and I agreed to let the small things go, but have a firm approach on our non negotiables. Such as room a bit messy, doesn't take plate out- let it go.

Rude or aggressive to siblings or us, us, damages property, absolutely no and clear consequence.

But we don't plan our days around her moods, if we are doing something then we are doing it and if she chooses to sit in corner with a face on then it's her loss. And more often than not she realises she us missing out, and snaps out of it.

Others may disagree and call it permissive parenting, but it works for us. She is calmer as doesn't feel like we a 'nitpicking', I'm saving my energy for the bigger stuff so have energy to deal with it more calmly when it comes. And I'm honest with her "unfortunately it's been a battle to get things done today, so I don't have the time/energy to go to park/cafe/movies. Tomorrow if we can get all our 'musts' done quickly, we can go to movies then"

Have a look at 'zones of regulation', identifying moods and strategies to help, for both you and her. Sometimes we might say our 'colour' as a warning to another that we might need a bit of space as feeling angry/tired/out of sorts.

My DD (just turned 9) also has HUGE tantrums when screens have to be turned off.

TV/Tablet is now banned in the morning, all screen time has to be earned, and if there is ANY sort of tantrum when it needs to go off, she gets a 24 hour screen ban.

It works pretty well as tantrums have now been minimum.

Use the trip to talk about it. I would ask her how she felt after her outburst. Did it make her feel better. Did it make her feel worse. Then very gently, ask her if there is another way you can help her cope with big feelings. Try not to use negative words with her. Instead of tantrum or out burst say episode. She needs to know you are on her side and she can talk about it without being chastised or punished.

I Suffered crippling anxiety as a child and the outburst like this took me by surprise. I was always punished which just made a bad situation worse.