Mothers funeral

[Netsville]

my dad had an affair and a secret son was the result, my sister and I never knew of the affair or about our half brother. We were contacted by one of his children 50 years later. after a lot of upset and our mum and dad first denieying everything we eventually met him and his family. The result was through my wife and I encouraging the contact and reconciliation our Dad had a relationship with his son before he died. Our brother and his wife came to the funeral. My mum has always found this extremely difficult but she put a brave face on and was always civil and polite to our brother and his family. My mum died last year and my sister and I decided that we couldn’t invite our brother to her funeral as he was still unknown to her friends and family and we didn’t want her funeral celebration to be distracted by explaining who he was etc. he is upset with me that we didn't invite him to my mothers funeral. Were we wrong not to invite him?

No. Not wrong. Your mum's funeral should be a celebration of her life. You do not need this added distraction.

Why would he even want to come? No her feelings trump his.

Sorry, thought the funeral was pending. You absolutely did the right thing!

But you put her in an awkward position at her husband's funeral?

Bit different - it was his dad too.

Not.Unreasonable at all.
She was not his mother. No need to be invited.
Sorry for your loss.

She had to put a face on at her husband funeral her own funeral should be about her and not your brother.

One year is still fairly recent in terms of loss of your mum.

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all, but that won’t help preserve and strengthen the relationship you have with him.

Can you “hear” him, and then say “I didn’t do this to hurt or upset you. I was so grief stricken that I was utterly focused on her and her side. When you think about how our father betrayed her, can you understand why she may have felt that you being there was rubbing it in her face, from beyond the grave. Nobody ever really considered her feelings at all, did they?”

Fair enough for him to come to your dad’s funeral, but not your mum’s. They didn’t have a relationship. She wasn’t part of his life. He needs to stop complaining.

He had no reason to be at your mother's funeral, any more than you would have to go to his mothers. Also, you and your sister were grieving and as you rightly say, didn't need the added stress and drama of explaining something so difficult and complex.

BTW, I'm your brother in this situation, minus the rebuilt relationships and acknowledgement. I can understand his sensitivities around rejection but he really should understand that this didn't have to involve him and is being unfair in not doing so.

Thank you for all your responses. It does help ❤️
I have tried to discuss with my brother why we made that decision, but unfortunately he is still unhappy. Thank you again.

Your brother is being crassly insensitive. He had no right to be at your mother's funeral at all. It shows him to be very selfish

Well you can see his point if view can't you? A lifetime of being denied followed by more of the same. He's the family's dirty secret, your brother but only when you fancy it.

So no your mother's funeral is not the place to introduce him to the wider family but as a family your treatment of him has been very poor.

What relationship did he have with OP's mother?? None.

And the family have treated him well. It's not their fault they only recently knew about his existence.

When I go to a funeral it's often to support friends who have lost parents who I had little or no interaction with. Your brother perhaps wanted to do this for you. But he should realise why you wouldn't want him there.

Personally I find it very very insensitive of him to a) want to go b) even voice a complaint and I, my self, would have nothing further to do with him as he's making about himself.

So your brother is the result of your dad's affair, when he cheated on your mother, but reckons he should have been at her funeral? Bonkers.

I also don't think it was your place to encourage your dad to have a relationship with him - imagine how your mother must have felt. What a betrayal of her that was. You should have left it entirely up to your dad.

None of you are coming out of this looking great tbh. I feel so sorry for your mother.

OP and his sister didn't even know about their dad's affair and the birth of their half brother until 50 years after it happened. They were not in a position to treat him well or poorly as they didn't know he existed. When they found out, they facilitated a relationship between their dad and his son (their half brother). They made sure he was invited to their dad's funeral, even though it was uncomfortable for their mum.

So I would disagree that OP and his sister have treated their half brother poorly. Their dad obviously did, but that was nothing to do with OP or the wider family.

Thank you so much for your support

Just tell him that her funeral was her time to be considered. That your joint father never considered her and whilst you mean no disrespect to him, he must surely understand how incredibly hurt she was about the affair.