To think you can’t spare people’s feelings?

[CryJustALittleBit]

I’ve been a people pleaser all my life and grew up in an abusive house where guilt and faux ‘responsibility towards others’ emotions’ was used as a manipulation tool.

I’ve learned to say no as I’ve gone through life but not without great emotional cost - had a serious breakdown at 22 after which I learned I HAD to start saying no.

But when I reflect on all this I realise that we can’t necessarily spare other people’s feelings no matter how tactful/respectful we are, whenever we reject people socially others tend to know ‘the bottom line.’

For instance, when I finished with my partner, I said we met too young and grew apart. He knew though that I thought he just wasn’t good enough.

I was also tactful about ending a friendship with a longstanding friend - even though I used words like ‘busy’ - she knew that I just didn’t think she was a good enough social option any more - she’d been unpopular in school

I agree with this.

I can't imagine waking up one day and deciding that a longstanding friend is no longer 'good enough'. You must have a lot of shared history and have been friends for a reason. Or were you just using this person until a better option came along, and now you can't be arsed to make the time?

Brilliantly put.

Are you neurodivergent?

If you're tactful, it allows the other person to build up their own story over time. Instead of 'x dumped me because I was unpopular and she thought I "wasn't a valuable social option"' (pretty cruel) she could think, 'X was always busy and we just drifted apart'.

as for your last sentence - I suppose I deserved that
I can see why @Eyesopenwideawake reacted to you saying both your ex partner and friend weren’t good enough. It’s not the done thing to be so blunt and say that out loud. But isn’t that what we are saying whenever we end a relationship? We end relationships because that person isn’t what we want and that means not good enough.

So I think it’s impossible to not hurt people’s feelings when you reject them. It comes back to people being responsible for how they react. If we could all remember to think “just because I don’t suit x that doesn’t diminish me. Other people will find me more than good enough.” Like that’s ever going to happen.

No, you didn't deserve that! You are learning how to stand up for yourself, put your needs first and not be manipulated by others. Good for you! Why should you carry on seeing a friend if you feel the friendship has run its course? You tried to let her down gently.

She wasn't good enough for you because she wasn't popular in school? Jesus. How old are you?

Well allow me to be the first to congratulate her on the bullet she just dodged.

No, you can't always spare someone's feelings. If you end a relationship it will hurt the person no matter the reason. Does that make sense to you? That a loss hurts no matter the reason. I ask because the post makes you seem shallow.
I've never thought someone isn't 'good enough' for me. I have disliked a certain behaviour or trait they have. To think a friend isn't good enough because they're not popular sounds like you don't really have actual connections with people but see relationships as transactional. That sounds like a miserable life to lead. Really wouldn't bode well if you had children either. Instead of thinking about sparing people's feelings maybe work on discovering your own feelings.

Are you saying that you ended this friendship because this woman wasn’t a good enough social option and unpopular at school?

There are two separate issues here: was the OP reasonable in wanting to dump these people and should she have been honest with them in the way she went about severing the relationship.

A lot of people are getting hung up on the language OP used about people not being “good enough” for her. I understand that makes people uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable.

But when it comes to friendship or love, the heart wants what it wants. Whatever reason you have for not wanting to continue the relationship will prevail. You can’t force someone to like someone: if there is reluctance on either side the friendship is doomed.

The question is whether there’s any benefit in being honest about the motivations. I think it’s kind of irrelevant what you say because people know ultimately that they are no longer important enough, so sugar coating won’t help but neither should you be gratuitously unkind. But however you behave it won’t change the fact that the dumpee will know they are dumped.

I'm bemused that you seem to be half surrounded with people who are not good enough for you. Do you think you might be sort of over-compensating for your past and no longer recognising that actually we are all flawed, we have our good points and our less-good points. Not everyone will be a perfect match but that doesn't mean they're not 'good enough'. They're good enough for someone.
That's not to say I think you're a bad person. I too grew up in a house with several abusive aspects and for a long time in my young adult years I thiught that made me special, different, that I 'knew stuff' others didnt. Only after counselling (instigated by a totally unconnected incident) did I realise that actually I'm nothing special, I'm just another woman, mother, wife, sister trying to muddle her way through. I like some people, I'm indifferent to most, I actively dislike others. And they have the same feelings as me, that's their right.
I think using the phrase 'not good enough' wasn't necessarily true or correct. Just because you no longer share the same interests, aims, taste, objectives, likes/dislikes doesn't mean they're not good enough. Neither does just growing apart. It just means it's time to move on. We all have our own track to follow.

Agree with this.

OP- the pendulum may have swung too far in the opposite direction from your former people pleasing ways. You haven’t been honest with some people in your life, reportedly to spare their feelings, but they are aware of your inauthenticity which stems from your judgement of their unworthiness. Perhaps next time you can own your decisions with honesty - you simply want more than these people could or were willing to give, and that is about you, not them.

I don’t disagree with any of that. And absolutely, everyone has the right to end friendships or relationships that are no longer working for them, and you can’t prevent the other person from knowing that you no longer want them in your life. However, there’s a difference between that and being gratuitously cruel. That’s why I asked the OP if she were genuinely ending the friendship because her friend ‘wasn’t a good enough social option any more’.

Ditching a friend because they are not popular enough and so won't help you social climb is not standing up for yourself and putting your needs first. It's just being a bitch and that woman is better off without the OP in her life.

she knew that I just didn’t think she was a good enough social option any more - she’d been unpopular in school

Some things look really, really ugly written down and this is one of them.

At least two people in your life have picked up on the fact you think you're too good for them. A bunch of strangers of MN can't possibly know whether that's justified or not. But perhaps your rather high opinion of yourself is interfering with your ability to deal the coup de grace in a way that doesn't totally flatten the other person.

Sparing people’s feelings means essentially not pursuing the friendship while at the same time the other person thinks the reasons aren’t ‘personal’

Yes !! To be fair you’ve nailed my intentions in the first paragraph !

it is more nuanced than I’ve previously posted - basically I felt my ‘friend’ saw me as a soft touch and when I refused to rekindle the relationship as she thought I’d always ‘be there l’ even when others turned their backs

Yes this !!

For instance, when I finished with my partner, I said we met too young and grew apart. He knew though that I thought he just wasn’t good enough.
I was also tactful about ending a friendship with a longstanding friend - even though I used words like ‘busy’ - she knew that I just didn’t think she was a good enough social option any more - she’d been unpopular in school

well it’s difficult to dump someone and leave them feeling appreciated. That’s just something unfortunate everyone has to go through.
Not sure about ending a friendship because it’s “not a good enough social option” though. What does that mean?

No - not at all

i ended the friendship cos it was one sided and I felt she.viewed me as a soft touch

I think ultimately however tactful you are, a rejection is a rejection. The stated reason for ending a relationship or a friendship will only ever be a bit of public relations. People aren’t stupid and they know

Exactly right!

And this is why we all need strong self esteem. So other people's choices and decisions can't hurt us

There is a difference between letting people walk all over you and being a dick. Find that line and tread it, and you're golden

💯

But it’s not realistic or reasonable to expect to keep a friendship or a relationship on life support indefinitely just to not be a dick. After a while something will have to give. The pressure of maintaining something you don’t believe in will be intolerable to both parties.

well, @Thepeopleversuswork that's not what i said, is it? I said that letting them know that you think they are not good enough for them is a dick move.

you need to re-read what i said.

I didn't say "stay in a relationship that you don't want, forever, because you are not allowed to hurt people's feelings by finishing with them."

I said that letting people know that you think they aren't good enough for you is a dick move.

And i stand by that. I am not surprised that you only agreed with the peson who also totally ignored what i actually said in favour of what they wanted to hear.