To end a friendship with friend who's just lost her mum

[fruitcakemakesmesick]

Hi everyone. I'll try and keep this brief.

I have a close friend who I've known for many years. Since we were teens. She's always been quite full on but she's had a rocky start to life so I've always just taken her for what she is.

She's had a hard few years. Dealing with the quite sudden loss of her mum and a mucky divorce so I'm conscious of not adding to her stress and grief but I'm finding it too much. She calls me multiple times a day, every single day. I've tried putting in boundaries but she will call and call until I pick up. She knows I'm working, even if I'm working on the weekend. If I don't respond, she will turn up to my house and demand answers as to why I haven't picked up. The phone calls can last a long time. I work full time and have a busy family life. She will even message my DH to see 'what's up' with me if I don't respond. I feel completely suffocated. I really have tried to put boundaries in place, I say 'I can't talk just now, I'll call you when I can.' But it just gets ignored. I've tried pulling back / grey rocking, but it only makes her worse. I don't know what to do or what to say. There's parts of her that I genuinely love, she is a good friend and will always help her friends. She's not a bad person and I don't want this to come across as me not liking her as it's far from the truth. You can like someone without liking how they act with certain things.

I feel like I can't get a word in edgeways sometimes and I can't really confide in her about my problems or even about day to day life as she will just talk and talk and talk about herself and it gets really draining. Does anyone have any suggestions in what I can do? I desperately don't want to ghost her, she's had a hard time, but she's been like this our whole friendship and is only getting worse as times gone on. Perhaps that's due to what she's going through. She has lost quite a few friends along the way due to being like this but she still doesn't think she's the problem. I've supported her so much, and I've been a good friend to her. I try and allocate her a phone call every 3 days so I can listen to what she's going through but I'm struggling with her not respecting my boundaries. I've literally been just wheeled out of surgery and my phones blowing up. When she knows I was having surgery and knew I wouldn't be able to speak. It's too much. AIBU to back away for good? Or as that too harsh?

I'll be gutted, but this can't carry on. But I'm one of the only friends she has left.

Have you actually told her it's too much and you can't talk every day / x
work / can't always reply to messages straight away and to please not turn up at your house if you don't answer a message?

Other than clearly communicate this to her, there is not alot you can do if it is overbearing.

Honestly, I would have sent a text saying "For god's sake you knew I was having surgery and you sent me X messages. I need to rest now so won't be answering any more calls or messages." Then I'd block her.

Have you tried putting some really clear boundaries in place, being really explicit that it’s too much? Not just “I can’t talk now” - but specifically telling her that you’re finding this really overwhelming and want to support her but will have to limit calls to once a week, for example.

If you have and she’s still not respecting that, then ending the friendship sounds like your best option. I wouldn’t just ghost her though, I’d state really clearly that you won’t be answering any calls or messages any more, or seeing her if she comes to your house, and this is the reason why.

Sometimes you need to fight with friends and that's ok. Maybe it's worth getting mad and laying it all out there that this is too much and the friendship needs to go both ways. I had a friendship break up a few years ago, and sometimes I think if we had just yelled at each other a bit and aired out all the grievances that would have been better than just this weird ending.

Of course @fruitcakemakesmesick has done that.
I had a friend like this. Turns out, or she admitted once when we were NC for 2 years because ofbthis exact behaviour that she was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) years ago. We were then ok for a few years and I’ve had to pull away again. So exhausting no matter what you do. I suggest a firm walkaway.

Have you expressed any of this to her?

That sounds really tough.

I also agree to have to be honest and firm with her.

Tell her you love her and want to keep being friends, but can't continue with the amount of contact every day. Text her or write her a letter if you struggle to say it face to face.

Have you actually shown her some irritation?

As in ' I've just had surgery and you're ringing my phone off the hook. Every time you call it's all about you. I need some space. For the last time. I'll be in touch when I'm ready'.

Not just 'i can't talk now' but 'stop calling multiple times a day, I haven't got the energy and have my own problems '. Get pissed off. If she can't take it and takes herself off then she wasn't thinking of you at all

It’s a nightmare, and very difficult to reverse.

‘I care about you deeply x, but I am finding multiple phone calls a day impossible with my life as it is.
I am not a professional counsellor, I am just your friend, the level of support you need feels too much for me.

I think a phone call once a week going forward would be best, so we can catch up with each other’s lives.
Can you let me know what day would be best for you?

I may not be able to reply for a while after this, as I am in hospital recovering from surgery x

Then you do not reply for a week.

This is important, as she is using you as an emotional crutch. You need to break the habit and it’s much easier to do if you have the perfect excuse.

If she replies with something kind- just send a x back and nothing else.

Stop taking her calls, put notifications on to eliminate her calls. Don’t reply to any texts and put her in archive for WA.

You are not her 247 therapist op, and this friendship has become very unhealthy. I think you also need to ask whether she makes you feel needed/useful or is it a form of people pleasing? Important self development there.

I hope you have a comfortable and full recovery - did she even ask how you are??

Yes agree, really spell it out for her as she’s not getting any hints. ‘I’ve just come out of surgery and need some time to recover. I won’t be talking to anyone on the phone over this period. I’ll call you next week when I’m feeling better’

Thank you all. To answer your questions, yes I've told her all of this. I've tried doing it in a subtle way, by saying 'I can't talk just now, will call you when I get 5 minutes.'

To 'friend, I really cannot talk. I'm going through a lot right now and life is busy. I'll be back in touch soon but this is too much.'

To literally ignoring her for 7 full days.

Nothing works. I did get arsey with her when she rang my phone off the hook after surgery. She did the same when I had Covid, I was really poorly with it. Bedbound for 6 days (I have Crohn's disease) so it was very difficult so I just had to put her on mute on my phone for 7 days.

That's when she messaged DH and turned up at my door shortly after.

I think I'll just have to bare all via text then block her if she doesn't accept it. But if I block her, she will turn up at my door within a couple of days. I have a ring doorbell but she will often use the back gate!

Gently, she’s not YOUR friend. Your HER ‘friend’ who she’s using as a therapist. I’ve had one of these, she’s a bloody mood hoover and I refuse to meet up with her anymore.

Id send a firm message ‘reminding’ her you’ve had surgery. You’ll ring her when you feel up to it.

She’s such a good ‘friend’ she’s not taking into account your needs.

There is a reason your her last friend.

Kindest thing you could do for her is very bluntly tell her that her behaviour isn't normal, it's overbearing, bordering harassment and will destroy all her relationships if she doesn't work to change it. I'd suggest she gets in touch with MH services, it sounds like a personality disorder.

But more importantly you need to tell her that her behaviour at all other times is suffocating you and pushing you away - otherwise she’ll thinknn be it’s just the surgery.

I think it would be too much to drop her until you have spelled it ALL out in very clear and honest terms, and told her that she either backs off or loses you, and that you’re not going to argue about it.