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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

50:50 with an abusive partner

28 replies

Parttimermom · 17/01/2025 13:35

So we've had some conversations regarding splitting. I am formulating a safe plan to leave. He says he will want kids 50:50. When I spoke to my Solicitor I mentioned the classic EOW, but they have strongly advised I go for less than every other weekend for the wellbeing of my children (he is verbally abusive to all of us and also he has never looked after all of them by himself for more than half a day on less than a handful of occasions - oldest is 9, youngest 3). He acts like he can't stand to be around them most of the time, they irritate him and he doesn't understand how kids behave but thinks they should do as they are told...as soon as they are demanded to do something.

Anyway any stories from people who have left a guy like this and he's actually turned his parenting ways around. Or is it more likely to be the 50:50 thing is just a threat to try and get me to stay and he will in fact see them alot less when he realises he can't do it.

Obviously I would like to make the split as non acrimonious as possible and have been warned against going in all guns blazing with a solicitor. He's a nasty piece of work verbally and very manipulative. Being told that he can not see his kids as much as he wants to will put his back up big style and make him very angry. But obviously the kids are at the forefront of my mind.

OP posts:
Titasaducksarse · 18/01/2025 12:05

In my experience 50/50 rarely works unless the parents get on because there's a lot of contact you need.

Eg oh child has left swimsuit at X house and they need to pop by or child has party this weekend and need to be taken etc. These are small things let alone other stuff like appts etc. Also unless you live near each other children as they get older want to be out with school mates, naturally, not stuck at fathers house 20 miles away. It's these kind of practicalities parents overlook instead demanding their 50% right.

Remember he will use the court processes to continue his control of you instead of being child focused

Also under new family law process of you've an allocated worked from a DV organisation you are also allowed for them to attend with you, you no longer need special permission.

Parttimermom · 18/01/2025 12:38

Pussycat22 · 18/01/2025 09:40

Mine made threats too, even if he had our DD whilst I went out for a few hours he'd dump her on his mother. This man was going to get custody of her and be Superdad if we split up. Flaming knob.

I just wonder if they believe these things in their head!!!! Mine always says he'd love to be a SAHD. But he literally can not stand to be around the kids for more than a couple of hours 😂🤣. Think he thinks he'd just be able to play playstation all day.

OP posts:
Parttimermom · 18/01/2025 13:58

Titasaducksarse · 18/01/2025 12:05

In my experience 50/50 rarely works unless the parents get on because there's a lot of contact you need.

Eg oh child has left swimsuit at X house and they need to pop by or child has party this weekend and need to be taken etc. These are small things let alone other stuff like appts etc. Also unless you live near each other children as they get older want to be out with school mates, naturally, not stuck at fathers house 20 miles away. It's these kind of practicalities parents overlook instead demanding their 50% right.

Remember he will use the court processes to continue his control of you instead of being child focused

Also under new family law process of you've an allocated worked from a DV organisation you are also allowed for them to attend with you, you no longer need special permission.

Edited

That's a good point. I would love if it could be like that. My friend has a one week on one week off arrangement and they get along really well. The kids pop between houses even on their week off. They are older than mine though.

Oh gosh yes it's going to be hard as I try so hard not to rile him but all this is really going to get to him as he probably won't get what he wants.

And sorry what do you mean re the allocated worker? Like someone from the charity I'm working with could come with me?

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