Do parents thank you for gifts

[Poppysu]

It was my mum's birthday and I know she likes candles so I bought her a Jo Malone candle she's neve had one before so I thought she really like it. The thing is I sent her birthday present which is at new year's a couple of weeks before with her Christmas present so I do bare in mind when may have just forgot but I wrapped it in all birthday paper so she knew it was for her birthday and I did say a couple are for Christmas and one is for her birthday.

Birthday came and I wished happy birthday and then I visited her the following weekend when she was off work and she been telling me all about the gifts she got off neighbours and friends from work had got her. She said so so got me all sorts she got me this beautiful knitted cardigan and so so got me this, yet not one thank you or recognition of why I had got her.

My mum gets very annoyed that my teenage daughter doesn't text thank you on Christmas day for her birthday money but text her day after boxing day(apparently she kept forgetting) but apparently that was to late and left and she was furious so I know she knows it's rude not to say thank you.

My mum has done this in the past when my 6 year old was carrying a bouquet of flowers to surprise her for mother's day and she never said much and was aw lovely and claimed she wasn't feeling well why she didn't react much when I told her I hurt I felt by her reaction so I don't really want to mention this as don't want the drama.

She’s probably forgotten as you sent her several different things for Christmas. I doubt she remembers the different paper. If you want separate thanks, send her birthday present separately, closer to the date, surely?

I think you're right not to mention it, as it sounds like you have a certain bar for reactions to gifts and a tendancy to overreact if it's not met. Saying a bunch of flowers from a child is lovely would not cause most people great hurt and a need to discuss with the person. It sounds like you are quite vigilant for the level of appreciation you seek from others. Possibly because of your mums own attitude to how thanks should be given. It's likely your mum forgot to specifically mention the candle but it's not the end of the world. You know she'll like it.

My perspective is a bit skewed, I am sure, as I wasn't brought up in Britain but I cannot imagine spending any time agonising over someone's response to a gift. I give gifts to make recipient happy, not to receive gratitude. I often pass gifts for my mum when I travel with my aunt. I never expect to receive long letters of thanks from my relatives. I might see my mum 6 months after the occasion and ask her what she thought of "that cheese I sent from Spain" but only so I know what to get her next time. Or I might visit and see her displaying a painting I bought in Italy and she may or may not tell me how much she loves it and how well it matches her bedroom decor...

Did you say to her “sounds lovely mum, did you like the candle I sent you btw?”

I really hope you don't work as a therapist or support worker in any shape or format. Op is telling you her mother makes such a fuss about others not saying thank you, proceeds to gloat about everyone and anyone who gives her a gift but is blind to op and her ops daughter... but you came here to gaslight op into thinking she's a nut case. I think you're the one who has a certain bar... a certain bar for rudness!

Was it sent with tracking? Did she definitely get it?

Also, will she have recognised what it is, not just thought it was a cheap supermarket candle and been a bit underwhelmed by it? I once splurged, treated myself to a diptyque candle and thought i smelt like disinfectant.

Going forward, I'd definitely make the effort to send separately - or as a sep parcel in the main package marked "for your birthday"

Why didn’t you just say “did you like the Jo malone candle I got you”

Then feel free to advise the OP that she is entirely correct to tell her mother she was very hurt not to recieve effusive thanks, to hear her mum express enthusiasm for other gifts and that she said "aw lovely" about a bunch of flowers. Egg her on to have it out, go 'no contact' or whatever drama would satisfy you. The OP asked for opinions from lay people not therapists and can accept or ignore them as she sees fit. As for my 'gaslighting' her, that's a rather silly comment, so I do hope you're not a therapist either.

Op asked for opinions , yours was not an opinion you was talking down to op. Say what you think you dont need to be cruel.

I always thank people, yes. 🙂

@bellsend

Why didn’t you just say “did you like the Jo malone candle I got you”

Yes, for me that would just be part of the natural conversation.

It’s possible she just forgot. It’s possible she was being ungrateful.

But it also seems like you’re almost testing her to see whether she says anything. Or that you’re pussy-footing around her in some way. The conversation you describe doesn’t seem quite like a normal conversation.

Personally I think its 'cruel' to encourage people to suspect others of the worst motives and behaviour, encouraging them to have big show downs with people that will be upsetting and could cause long term rifts, on the basis of a very small amount of information. You may feel its 'kind' to agree the OPs mother is awful, doesn't appreciate her etc, but with so little information to go on, that's pretty irresponsible. However, the point of the forum is to offer different perspectives and you're entitled to yours as I am to mine.

All these gifts seem very transactional and over analysed. Give less sh1ts, next time momma dear criticises your or your daughters response to her gift, tell her to take a look in the mirror.

To answer your question : No, my mother is v awkward about gifts. She grew up in poverty, gifts didn’t really happen, from what I can gather. She masks when she has too, but I think she thinks gifts are soppy and sentimental. She doesn’t receive them well. She also doesn’t give them frequently, she hands over cash instead or gives practical gifts.

She doesn’t expect gratitude in the usual polite sense, more of a hoodwink acknowledgment of the cash exchange, which is awkward.