To feel for my children…

[HollyBelleT]

To really feel for my children as they didn’t chose to have to contend with a cheating father, a broken home and mother. It sounds desperate and day to day living is fine - I am getting up, supporting them through their day, everyone is safe and fed and loved but I am a wreck and my children are suffering whether I try my best or not. Ex husband lives with the OW and her three children so our children (three of them too) feel squashed and cramped at theirs and rarely stay. Ex husband treats me like I’m invisible and our 20 years together never happened. I just feel so sorry that my children have to experience this. I am trying to live forward and sometimes I think I am getting even one inch up a hill and then I find myself at the kitchen table crying with exhaustion whilst my poor babies look on. I explained I was just tired, as I was and they are so loving and supportive but it shouldn’t be this way.

I fear they will look back on their childhood and just be so scarred by the above. I have taken the time to explain that the separation has nothing to do with them. That we both still love them and that nothing that happened was a reflection on them but I really worry.

Sounds really tough. I will guarantee that you are doing a lot better than you think. Are there any single parents groups near you that you could tap into for support?

I work full time so between that and school, clubs for children etc, time is squashed. I have friends around me but many are in marriages and although they are supportive, I can’t monopolise their time either.

You're having a hard time.

Writing your feelings to get them all out might help, keep a journal. So hard to get time to process when parenting, but this can help as it is quiet and low key.

It's hard @HollyBelleT . No doubt about it.

The hardest bit as the caring parent is the impact you know it will have on your children.

Married friends support, but can't really understand. If you talk honestly to them, you feel their support for a short time, but it quickly peters out.

How old are your children?

Thanks PP. That is true. My friends want to support but unless you are experiencing it, it is very hard to truly understand. Youngest child is 2 and oldest is 7. The seven year old is trying to almost look after me which I think is more heartbreaking.

And if I hear the children are resilient line one more time I may scream. This was my ex husband’s mantra as he wreaked havoc on the total of six children.

That's a tough set of ages. Your 7 year old sounds like a caring soul.

You sound exhausted. The fact you're still awake now means I think you're putting yourself at the bottom of the pile. Us mums do.

Are you getting enough sleep? I suspect your 2 year old will be up in about 6 .5 hours. Are you eating adequately and regularly? Are you drinking enough water and getting vitamin d sunshine daily? Small things to reflect on, but if you're not looking after yourself in these ways, they'll have a big effect on your mood.

Thanks PP. I really should sleep! I am not looking after myself but I think that’s the feeling of unworthiness after everything. Need to get that back up and running I think! X

Please don't beat yourself up, you are doing an amazing job getting up and doing what needs to be done every single day. Your children are safe, looked after and loved. Of course it is sad that they have to contend with the break up of their parents, as so many children do. Your 2 year old won't ever remember you and their dad being together and your 7 year old will hardly remember it either. You can make a good life for you and your children and give them a happy childhood - you need to get some support for yourself. Can you speak to your GP and get some talking therapy? You can also talk to Relate for support and resources. https://www.relate.org.uk/getting-over-breakup

I have had moments in my life where I have been sad. I’m a single mum and my daughter has seen lots of arguments and tears between myself and her dad. Sometimes we cannot control how we feel. And sometimes we have days where we are just scraping by. But you know what / you are there for them. And overtime the pain will get smaller and smaller when you fill your life with different memories. It might be a trip with the children, a day out, a day in that makes you all belly laugh.

As an adult, I have experienced my mum go through sad times - and looking back, it’s a reminder that she is human. I’ve had moments of my childhood where we are just getting by, but I’ve also had amazing times too.

Don’t be too harsh. We will all need therapy for something - no one has a perfect life. But focus on your healing - because your children will get the best of you when you feel at your best. But also don’t worry about your children seeing a more human side of you.

Also, I do hope you can find a way to take a break. If there is anyone that can have the kids for a little while whilst you do something for yourself.

Bless you OP, you're going through a traumatic event, go easy on yourself.
Your children will remember their loving mother, who was there for them. Kids are smart.
Try and rest and look after yourself. Time is a great healer x

@HollyBelleT i really feel for you. You will get through this. Please try and get some sleep, here if you need to vent x

It’s incredibly difficult but you masking your feelings in front to your children will help them. If you’re sad, they’ll be sad and worried too. Seeing a parent cry is destabilising for children. I’m talking from the POV of the child and can’t imagine how much strength it would take to pull it all together.

However you manage, you will all come out the other side x