Would you be able to get over this?

[Movingforwards123]

Am I being unreasonable to not be able to get over this. It plays on my mind nearly every day.

3 years ago, when my little girl was born, I found out my husband had been ‘texting’ another woman. I worked out that he had been talking to her, when I was 36 weeks pregnant with our child. At the time I was due to be admitted to hospital untill due date, so a potential of 4 weeks to ensure the safety of our baby ( transverse lie, too much amniotic fluid, large baby etc). The contents of the messages were him complimenting her, asking if she had enjoyed her night out, telling her she should have asked him for a lift if she was stuck, informing her that he had driven past her house and could see her looking excellent in the hot tub 🤯 amongst a few other things. By the time i stumbled across these messages our lg had been born and I was in the thick of lack of sleep, feeling very unwell , post partum anxiety and so I just could not muster the emotions to do anything, i was shocked, numb, in desperate need for support with our 2 lo, so I let it slide… amAs time moved on, it seens to sink in more and more each day, the stronger I feel the more angry hurt and upset im feeling with this!! WWUD?!

So sorry you’re having to go through that OP. It must have been really tough especially whilst pregnant. I think you should wait til your better physically and your mind is in a better place, but you do need to confront him. Although it doesn’t seem like DP has “cheated” as such, the text messages imply that he is interested and the fact that he drives by her place to see her in a hot tub is strange! I would confront him but be in a good place mentally before you do for your own sake and wellbeing. Sending virtual hugs xx

Does he know you know?

Not unreasonable. I wouldn't be able to get over it either. You weren't in a strong place having just had a baby and I can see all too easily how you felt you had to stay.

Do you want to stay married to him? Truly.

I honestly couldn’t forgive this or stay. Any sign of infidelity would be enough for me but especially this happening while heavily pregnant with his child, I’d never get over it. Someone who has so little respect/care/love for me to do this, particularly in those moments where actually I’d argue he should have had the absolute most respect & love for you, I’d never get over that so I’d leave because otherwise I’d turn into someone I hate by staying and that wouldn’t be fair on anyone.

I’d be questioning myself, I’d be riddled with anxiety every time he’s late home, working away, on a night out, every time his phone beeped etc, I don’t want that for my life so I would leave.

Did you confront him at the time? Any evidence he has kept in touch with her?

I did confront him at the time, i think i said something like “I’m to tired to deal with this right now” he made no real effort to apologise or acknowledge that he probably should not have been offering lifts to women whilst his wife awaited being admitted to hospital…

Nope, not a cat's chance in hell would I let that go and move on. Bad enough at the best of times, but while you were pregnant is disgraceful. Plus the lack of apology is just downright wrong.

As a PP said, the first hint of infidelity and I'd have been out of there. You deserve better, OP. He sounds like a wanker.

he made no real effort to apologise or acknowledge that he probably should not have been offering lifts to women whilst his wife awaited being admitted to hospital…

There we are.
You've been waiting for an apology for 3 years. You shouldn't have to ask for it. Of course you're becoming more and more bitter.

When is the last time you spoke to him about it?

I haven’t really spoken to him about it since its all been brewing up inside and he thinks everything is totally fine x

I hate to say it but are you sure it didn't lead to anything more? My husband started his affair when I was pregnant with our second child. That child was very very much wanted by both of us when I got pregnant and I knew something had changed by the time the baby was born. It took me years to find out what had happened and that it was still going on. I'll never forgive him for that. It was the happiest time in my life and he absolutely ruined it.

You need to have a conversation about it. Pay attention to his reaction.

I can’t really say what I’d definitely do in a situation I’m not in but ideally if I wanted to I would look for someone else myself to go on dates with for your own excitement especially if he’s not that great of a partner

Not me my friend was pregnant and suspected her partner was cheating but he denied it and she never had any proof, just knew by how he was acting. Everyone told her she was hormonal etc and it was all in her head. 5 years or so later she actually found out he had cheated back then. She left him straight away. She could never forgive him for doing it while she was pregnant. I could not either, id class them kind of messages as cheating. Cheating is low but doing it while your partner is lowest of the low. Sorry you had to deal with that at such a hard vulnerable time. Some people are just pure selfish x

I don't know if I would be able to forgive this, I suspect not. What I do know is that you will never get over it if you are bottling up your feelings and carrying on as if everything is fine, when you are not feeling fine at all. This is only going to lead to misery.

So the logical thing to do is to have it out with him - lay your cards on the table and tell him how angry, hurt and devastated his actions have made you. He needs to hear it and you need to get it off your chest.

The main issue here is that he shouldn't have done it but I feel you have major unresolved issues with this and rightly so. How much time has passed? Guaranteed when you bring this up l you will get is "i thought this was resolved why are you bringing it back up". The truth is it wasn't resolved and you never really forgive him and now you feel stronger you are rightly so even angrier. There is no other way to determine what you do without talking to him, he needs to acknowledge what he's done, you need to understand why he did it and he needs to apologize. Quite frankly he should be trying to make this up to you in a big way if you chose to stay with him. I'm so sorry he put you through that. You deserve so much more than that. Unfortunately I do believe in the old saying once a cheat always a cheat even if there was no sexual contact, he had the intent he would have done it and will likely do this behaviour again. Its okay sitting saying you should get rid of him but its harder to break up a family. You need resolution and closure for yourself and that will likely mean more conversations you have every right to be mad and never let him tell you that you don't or that your feelings aren't justified because it was dealt with at the time. It wasn't!