AIBU to ask for help?

[FunkyPenguin]

I need help and advice please.

My DW has been so strong through our DD's (6) illness, especially so over Christmas and trying to make it a wonderful celebration for everyone including DD.

Unfortunately our DD has succumbed to her illness early this year and is with the angels now.

We're both absolutely destroyed, especially so my DW. I feel so powerless to help support her, and I don't know what to do.

I've done what I can to keep the home "running", just the basic tasks as usual.
I've batch cooked some soups and other food for us but DW just doesn't want to eat at the moment and I can understand.

I've tried my best to be with her and comfort her through our tragic loss, but I can see it isn't good enough.

She told me she needs some time alone, which I completely respect, but I'm concerned about her well being.

I've made some enquiries about therapy for us both, but I've not gone any further as of yet.

If I'm foolish or ignorant, please help me get our family through this devastating time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes, she is in heaven and not in pain x

Don't be hard on yourself, you're grieving too

As long as you and others are providing practical support, and you're there and loving her when she needs to talk/cry/scream, you're doing all you can

I hope there are people supporting you too.

Sorry again 😔 x

Thanks so much for your kind words, it means more than you could imagine.

I've already called MIL and all family who are close to come as soon as they can and give support.

I'm just terrified that my DW is deteriorating so much in such a short space of time, I've even considered getting her a burger from Five Guys which she'd describe as her "guilty pleasure" just so I could see her eat something.

I'm so sorry, you are going through the worst thing I can imagine.

She will eat when she's ready is my hope, and would give her space if it's safe to. Is she drinking fluids?

I've offered tea, iced tea (one of DW favorites), water, milk.

At the moment the only thing I've managed to do is give her a big cup of ice. I can only imagine it's because she used to enjoy sucking on ice cubes when she was pregnant with DD.

A 'guilty pleasure', I think would be too rough at the moment as it is associated with pleasure.
So sorry you are both living this hell. You will probably grieve in different ways, and it will be tricky to navigate. Do they have grief counsellors at the hospital/hospice your wee one was at? They will know your family and thus be better placed to support you.
I wish I could help. I wish this kind of shit didn't happen.
Sorry I can't be anymore helpful or practical, but sending sympathy.

GOSH have been looking after DD since she was tiny, the team have been incredible - well beyond the call of duty.

My DW isn't interested at the moment in engaging with that, but I hope she will in time.

I'm so sorry for what you're both going through.
Does she have other family and friends supporting her?
I think people can sometimes pull away as they don't know what to say to people going through such a huge loss, and the loss of a child is one of the worst anyone can go through.
I am someone who needs alone time to process and deal with loss, but I'm sure when she's a bit more ready that therapy can help to further process what has happened and how to move forward and still live a life with that hole there.
Hope you're taking care of yourself too.

yes, it's still early days, she may take time to go down that route.
GOSH are marvellous. They will be as sad as you both are.

I've told all the close family, including my MIL (who I have a wonderful relationship with), to come immediately.

I've sent a message to her best friend as well, so hopefully she'll come too or at least send a message with some compassion.

I want to know that I've got all the "practical" bases covered, I've spoken to my DW's boss and explained that she will not be at work for a while.

I know I can only do so much, and I'm desperate for my MIL to arrive, as I think DW will at least let her into our room to speak.

What have I missed? What else should I be doing?

Bumping for more advice 😥

I am so, so sorry, OP.

I hope you are also seeing to your own emotional needs.

If you are someone who gets comfort from being able to do practical things for other people, then your DW’s inability to engage with you may feel particularly strongly like a rejection. It isn’t. She just isn’t capable of receiving support from you right now. That’s really hard on you.

I’m not an expert, but it sounds to me as though you are doing everything possible to support her. Very gently, may I ask you to consider that all the support you’re offering may be overwhelming her right now? Would you feel able to step back a little and focus on yourself a bit more?

It’s very distressing to feel unable to do the “right” thing when someone you love is in emotional pain. But I would encourage you to believe that this isn’t about what you’re doing being “not good enough” for your DW. There is probably nothing right now that could make her able to accept comfort and care, if that refusal and need for aloneness is how her grief is manifesting itself.

Think about contacting a grief counsellor for yourself, as they will give you space to talk about your DWs grief too, and how it’s affecting you. It’s not selfish to feel hurt and helpless that you cannot find a way to help your DW right now. A counsellor may also be able to offer strategies for helping your DW, or just reassure you that you are doing all you can.

Again, I’m so very sorry. I wish you and your family peace and comfort.

So sorry for what you’re going through. Have you looked at Winston Wish charity?

I am so, so incredibly sorry for your loss. You are both in my prayers this evening

I’m so so sorry for your loss 💐. I think she’ll eat something when she’s ready. You need looking after too. It’s also your loss. Who is supporting you?

So sorry OP.

As well as supporting your wife, you need to look after yourself. You might contact Child Bereavement UK They have resources that you can use, people you can contact. I could be supportive for you, and somewhere your dw could look when the time is right for her.

What have I missed? What else should I be doing?

Its sounds like you’re doing amazingly well in impossible circumstances. As hard as it is, your wife needs to find her way through this in her own time. Having very easy foods - thing like soup, things she can pick at or even little custard or rice pots might be worthwhile, easy to eat and long shelf life.

It may be a while before she’s ready to talk, much less try counselling - it sounds like a very recent loss so not unusual that she’s shut herself away. Keep doing what you’re doing, don’t expect much from her or yourself in the next couple of weeks. And do get support for you too - I can’t imagine your loss. I’m so sorry you’re both going through this.

Sorry for your loss. You must both be devastated. When you are ready Cruise offer grief counselling. I have heard others say to go when grief isn't quite so raw. A lot of people go after 6 months.

Hello everyone, I just wanted to thank you all for your words of advice at such a difficult time.

We're both still heartbroken, but my DW is doing much better. We're seeing a specialist bereavement therapist weekly which I think has helped somewhat.

I know my DW is incredibly strong, but she still has this ache inside that I don't believe will ever go away.

I'm doing everything I can think to hold things together, but in my own mind I don't believe I've addressed it properly, perhaps I'm just not ready yet but I don't know.

DD's room is exactly the same, and even if it sounds ridiculous, sometimes I go in and do the voices for her teddies I used to do when we'd read a story before bedtime.

I just hope she knows how much we love her.