Bossy ex

[eyeballpaula56]

Ex dh and i share a 10 year old ds. Get on fairly well when we agree, which we do mostly. But he has very tunnel vision on all of his views and when we disagree on something he can be a real arse. Very abusive and patronising. It's partly why we split up. For years i toed the line doing what he wanted and agreeing with his ( often ridiculous) ideas and behaviour just to keep the peace.

This week ds hasn't been very well. Nothing severe just a bit of a bug. He had two days off school but is back now and seems to be over the worst of it.

This weekend is my weekend with ds and we have long standing plans for a big day out. Ex has basically tried to tell me we shouldn't be going, ds needs to rest and so on. It has all become quite unpleasant.

Now don't get me wrong, if I truly believed ds wasn't well enough to go I wouldn't take him. My answer is to see how he is. It's only Thursday. Ex is making it very well known that he thinks I'm in the wrong and suggesting I don't care about ds wellbeing.

Aibu to just ignore him and trust my own judgement in my own time? How do i even respond to him? Just feel like it's very controlling.

‘Duly noted, thanks for the advice’ and then just do what you were going to do anyway.

Of course you ignore him. You can't dictate what he does in his time, and he can't dictate what you do in yours. The above post sums up the perfect response. He's attempting to trigger an argument, so don't give him one.

Why are you even conversing with him?

Sounds like you needs far less interaction with him and learn to grey rock - thumbs up emoji, duty noted etc then do as you wish.

Just agree with him and then go anyway.

I don't know why after all these years it triggers anxiety in me. I just can't be arsed with a row or endless paragraphs of text about how his views are so much more sensible and valid.

I used to reply “noted”, that was it, no ongoing conversation, no chance to dictate to me. He didn’t like it but it worked.

Edited to add that was one of the best bits of advice I received from my solicitor when my ex was being a prat.

Under no circumstances should you indulge this controlling behaviour. Ignore him. Make it clear your communication will be strictly kept to drop off and pick up arrangements and medical emergencies.

I wouldn’t have even told him about the illness TBH.

I have always tried to keep things friendly as it benefitted me (especially when ds was younger) to be able to drop him a message and ask how he was getting on. But yes maybe communication needs to be kept to a minimum now.

Ex knew he was unwell as he'd seen him earlier in the week.

Move all communication onto a court approved parenting app and don't check it u less it's change over day and he may have cancelled.

It stick to email and send it to a folder called dickhead and again only check occasionally.

Mute or block him when DS is with you.

All ways to avoid seeing let alone reading his dictatorship.

Love 'noted'. Thanks but no thanks, shut the door on your way out. Use it often at work

You can’t argue with stupid OP. I regularly remind myself about this when dealing with my ex.

I like noted, and when I'm feeling really passive aggressive , sometimes just say "seen'

He needs to stop thinking he's in charge of you doesn't he. Just be dull and minimal in Comms.

Ignore. You're obviously not going to take DS out for the day if he's still feeling poorly. Your ex should trust your judgement.

Tell him you will only be communicating with him from now on by parenting app, then block his number and enjoy the peace.
He does not require a reply. He likes to think he does, but his thoughts are irrelevant.

Exactly this

Don't bother arguing, he likes it

You need to reaffirm (or excert if not done previously) some boundaries that while your child is in your care, its your responsibility to make decisions for their care. No ifs or buts, no further discussion. Just as if the child was in ex's care, their decision. Youre both parents, you have no control over what the other does.

I'd advise MUCH less contact. Much much less. Put him on a strict information diet, he's not your friend. Make friends with the thumbs up emoji. Unless his messags actually require a response, ie handover details are changing, then just use noted, many thanks.

He won't like it at first and will likely have a tantrum as his source of attention gets cut off, but stick with it, it will work in the long term. He will likely pop his head up and create a fuss over something insignificant and unneccessary every now and then to see if you'll bite, but stick with it, and you'll save yourself a lot of energy and brain space.

I get the thinking behind this, but I think it’s just inviting unnecessary conflict and giving him the impression that his opinions when the DC are with their mum hold enough weight that she has to assert her boundaries, when in fact, they’re so irrelevant that it’s simply not worth responding to.

good shout. Ignore is the way to go. Smile and wave, move on.

Never defend a decision, that's his "in" to a dialogue where you are wrong and he gets you on the backfoot.

That's why "noted" is good. It acknowledges the message but is totally neutral. He will get worse for a while as he tries to push your buttons but hold firm.

Think of him as a toddler by the toys in tesco. You have said no to the toy, so the last thing you do with a toddler going barmy is eventually give in as they learn that a tantrum works if they carry on long enough.

That's him, stamping his feet and screaming in tesco....pathetic isn't it?

He sounds a right pain. This does noy make it any better but he probably cannot help it. Its just the way he is. You however can remember he is a bossy pain in the arse and use some of the suggestions on here. It could become your superpower.

The fact you are asking this question makes me think there was a lot more psychological abuse going on than just him being narrow minded. Ignore him, tell yourself something self affirming like "I'm a good mum who can trust her own judgment " and do this every time he puts doubt in your head.

When we were together it was a terrible relationship. He was very controlling and had a vile temper. I genuinely hadn't experienced anything like that in a relationship before and should have got out immediately. But I didn't and after a while I got a bit numb to it and then if he started swearing and shouting at me, I'd do the same back. It was an utter shit show to bring a child into and I split up with him when our ds was very young because I knew I couldn't have him growing up in such a horrible environment.

That said, once apart we generally got on a lot better. And over the years we've both grown up and moved on. He has actually been very consistent with ds and quite pleasant to me! He even gets my other dc birthday gifts and little things like that. But every now and then something like this blows up and as soon as he turns it takes me back to that very difficult time in my life. I feel my anxiety ramping up as soon as a disagreement crops up, even before it turns unpleasant.

Thankfully it doesn't happen often and for the most part we agree and get along. But yeah i do think in the future i just need to tune it out, use some of the replies on here and basically trust my own judgement.

Just use the 👍 emoji or response.

Since my mate started using that with her similarly arsey ex husband he's been unable to argue with her to the same extent.

If his message doesn't ask a question which genuinely requires a response such as asking to change plans at his end which affect you or about the welfare of your son, just send a thumbs up. Or ignore it. But the thumbs up avoids the accusations of ignoring it.