Changeable people-do you just stay away?

[Neverendingillness]

I have a couple of these types of people in my life and find it interesting, but also very odd!
A woman I work for ( I look after her Dd, plus others) is just so baffling. I accept everyone has different moods, I do, but it’s off the scale. She can either be incredibly charming and lovely, so friendly and kind, greets me warmly, chats away, she’s helped me so much with an issue with my Dd, sends lovely WhatsApp’s etc. I appreciate I work for her, but it’s very casual and relaxed and at one point I thought we were becoming friends. Then, she can be so rude, barely address me, have a whole mean aura around her, it’s like a split personality and I actually find the rudeness hard to take. At first it was difficult not to take it personally, but I notice she’s colder with her Dd at these times and it’s like the family is walking on eggshells. When she’s good, she’s amazing.
Another mum friend at school is either all gushing and lovely messages with kisses or just so cold and unfriendly (haven’t seen each other in between, nothing could have happened)
All my friends and family are generally quite *Normal, so i’m not used to this.
Is it a personality disorder? How do you deal with these people, just stay away, don’t get too close?

I can't be bothered with people who blow hot and cold so I don't bother with them.

What do you think is the reason for it?

I have no idea @Neverendingillness

I know so many people like this. I’ve worked with many in the past - I hate not knowing where I stand and walking on eggshells. I stay away from most of the other school Mum’s now due to the constant blowing hot and cold with me. There’s one woman at the school (kids in same class) that went from being so friendly to completely ignoring me for no reason. Bizarre.

That's sad. When she's in a good mood she's amazing for other people, but when she's in a bad mood people just "walk on eggshells" and wonder why she isn't being amazing.

Maybe because people can't be amazing all the time, and this is someone who gets zero support when she's struggling so it shows more. People just take take take when she can give, and then back away when it's their turn to give. Maybe she's just gotten used to it and doesn't bother even asking anymore.

Not your place to fix, you're not a friend, but I feel sorry for her.

I have a family member like this and have just cut contact. Never see her or message her.
She has been like this for 50 years.

Have you ever asked her if everything’s ok when she’s like that?

I used to have friend like that. It got worse the older she got. You never knew which version of her would turn up and I started to dead meeting up with her.
One day you’d meet her and she’d just be normal and greet you with “Hi! How are you?” in just a normal happy way and chat normally about life. The next time she’d get in the car with headphones on, say “hi” and just sit on her phone in silence. Any kind of chat was met with silence or one word answers. If you asked her if she was ok the answer would be “fine”. If you tried to push it and asked again she’d get angry and snap at you to stop asking stupid questions. This could go on for the entire day it just half an hour. There was no one to know.
I used to spend the entire time worrying I’d upset her. I would do everything to try and cheer her up but it normally made it worse. Despite her being the one wanting to meet up anything I suggested we do was met with scorn and an eye roll or just a “whatever” reply. Do you fancy a coffee? Eye roll while still staring at phone. Watch a film? “Why? Who wants to spend hours in the dark on a nice day?” Ok shall we find a pub garden? “Whatever”. You ok? “Yeah I’m fine just whatever” You don’t seem yourself today. “I’m fine just stop asking me stupid questions. Why are we still standing here?”

It’s not about thinking someone should be amazing all the time. It’s just about not being rude and passive aggressive and making everyone feel awkward. I’m not friends with her anymore. I brought up her rudeness during our final argument and she still insisted nothing was ever wrong and I was the one being weird for mentioning it.

So I don’t know. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she was a rude bitch. I really don’t know. But there’s only so many times you ask and spend time worrying and trying to cheer someone up before you just give up. Life is too short to sit in silence for hours with a so called friend until they feel they want to chat.

Have a daughter like this. She was dx as bipolar in her teens. Since then she was told her dx is Borderline Personality Disorder. Very similar. Highs and lows, hot and cold, etc. We do tend to walk on eggshells around her, but I got tired of it. I'm now raising my 9yo granddaughter, and the other two grandchildren are with family and a friend. I don't even think this will make her take accountability. So, yes it's not necessarily you. Don't take it personally. I feel so much lighter giving up the burden of her ever changing personality.

I cut off hot and cold people. You can’t be up my arse one day and then blank me the next.

It could be a personality disorder or it could be straight up depression for example. Or even PTSD triggered by someone. e.g. I know someone who went through a horrific experience that came to trial years later. I would have said she did very well during the police interviewing stage/build up to the trial not to crumble completely. Everything was surface level "OK". But if you didn't know what was going on you might think she was being cold/unfriendly/a bitch. But I think she did well not to start smashing shop windows etc. I am not saying its anything like that. But you don't know what is going on. A seriously depressed person "holding it together" looks the same as someone who is kind of aloof for no reason.

Some "walk on eggshells" people do it to manipulate. Or you have queen bee types who will be super friendly to a person then cut them off/be rude while being friendly with the rest of the group. It doesn't sound like that is what she is doing. I don't think its your problem to solve - but its likely something going on with her, not you. So if you can't stand it just drift away from the friendship entirely. Or don't walk on eggshells but just stand back until she snaps out of it and pick up where you left off. Be different if she was the bitchy type because you wouldn't want to risk them torpedoing other friendships. But it sounds like she just goes cold.

I had a friend like this. She had a drug issue that I was unaware of. Don't get me wrong we'd often both go out and drink too much wine and not be very energetic if we met for lunch the next day but sometimes she'd be really 'off' and all over the place. Turns out she was doing a lot of coke.

I neither know nor care anymore. If anyone shows any signs of this in my life, I cut them off completely. Can't be arsed with it at all.

I wouldn't be judgemental, there are many mental health problems, autisms etc that have these classic symptoms. I take a person as they are up or down because we can't be perfect.

Yes, I've learnt over time that it's a fools game trying to make an effort with people who leave you unsure where you stand with them. My next door neighbour was lovely when I first moved to a new town, invited me round for wine one night and we had a great time, she was suggesting things we could do in the future and i left that evening on really good terms with her, thinking I'd made a friend. Then I invited her over for coffee a couple of weeks later and she was cold, uninterested in what I was saying and quite unpleasant. It made me wonder why she had even bothered accepting the invite to come round for coffee. I see her at the school most weeks and she's either really happy to see me or completely blanks me. I don't get it, but I'm not going to be anything other than polite with her, there will be no enthusiasm from me. Maybe she has bipolar or depression, but that isn't for me to be concerned with. I'm not making friends with people who always leave me wondering whether they actually like me or not. Life's too short, there are plenty of others out there who don't blow so hot and cold - don't waste your time!

I had a friend like this, really funny, great to be with, we spent many a weekend away following our favourite band, sitting up in bed in various hotels, eating biscuits and drinking wine at 3.a.m.

Other times - nothing. I would suggest we met up and either she wouldn't respond to the message or she would say yes, but never agree to a day or time.

Now, if she contacts me I respond and am very friendly, and if she suggested meeting up I would still go and meet her. But I won't contacting her.

Due to you saying it’s not just you she’s cold with, I’d put my money on relationship issues in this particular instance.

I’m not saying it’s acceptable, but something may have happened that day that has thrown her and consumed all her friendliness. It may happen regularly. We never know what goes on behind closed doors. But yes, it’s confusing as hell.

I can't cope with drama generally. Genuine problems I'm there for, but not people who get off on playing with their friends' reactions to their 'new' mood or life drama.

I had a guy like this at work responsible for my induction. It was actually scary. Friendly and helpful one day, aggressive and rude when I asked basic questions the next. (He was actually a temp on contract because the person I replaced left early, so not even an employee with a grudge).

I actually asked my husband to nip in delivering tea during meetings, as his "good" moods included "creepy mode", calling me "good girl" and "clever girl" when I was working.

The piece de resistance was that we'd agreed via email that we'd cancel a session if we didn't need it and if I had enough work to go along with. I told him I had plenty in the morning, and he sent me several aggressive messages saying that he was waiting for me, and I needed to join the meeting now.

And after that I told my boss I wasn't joining the meeting or attending one with him solo again.

I have an adult DD like this. She is high functioning autistic. She says sometimes it's hard for her to communicate, it's like a block and she knows she needs to but she can't.

Other times she is charming, charasmaric, funny, energetic, basically lovely to be around.

We can both be in the kitchen making a drink completely ignoring each other, it feels weird but it's better than trying to engage with her when she's like that!

I get not to take it personally although I have noticed she does it more with me than anyone else, she says it's because I allow her to feel comfortable.