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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Please help me stop giving a toss about my horrible manipulative ex

16 replies

Everythingisnumbersnow · 15/01/2025 15:58

He is a collector - you know the kind. Doesn't seem to like you much but then won't let you go.

I just need to get over this childish rubbish. Dopamine has a lot to bloody answer for.

OP posts:
CrestWhite · 15/01/2025 16:57

Do you have children together to have a reason for him to be in your life?

He can only be a collector if you let him.

lobsterkiller · 15/01/2025 17:08

Agree with pp, unless you have children or shared property together you can ignore. I have an ex who seems to want to be in touch but nowt else. I just ignore, he's an idiot and theres no reason for us to be in touch.

JoanCollinsDiva · 15/01/2025 17:10

He's probably a narcissist - they're horrible and push you to madness and then "hoover" you back up again. Then the cycle continues. It's a game for them.

SereneCapybara · 15/01/2025 17:18

Have you ever tried journalling? Write a clear description of the kind of relationship you would like, in great detail, the mutual respect and kindness, the relaxed, secure feeling you get when together. Also journal how you want to be, outside of a relationship - independent and self confident, with a healthy self-respect, self care and self-compassion, free to express your beliefs, to develop strong bonds with friends and family and colleagues as well as with a partner, creating space and energy to acquire skills that enhance your life, whether in your career or in your leisure time.

You could also make lists of all his weak and unappealing habits and characteristics and all the freedom you have when he's not around (to watch programmes you love that bore him, cook food you enjoy that he dislikes, listen to music that's your taste not his, see friends he doesn't get on with, spend time doing stuff he doesn't enjoy, decorate your home in a style that's entirely and precisely to your taste.

Basically, use journalling to fill your head with clear visions of what a positive, healthy life looks like, and then you will see there's no room in that life for someone who messes you around.

Everythingisnumbersnow · 15/01/2025 17:51

You are all right. I don't think he knows what love feels like (he once asked me to describe it) and I think he sort of envies people who can love and wants everyone to love him. It's all ridiculous. We don't have kids.

OP posts:
itsjustbiology · 15/01/2025 17:59

How he has treated you,he has treated others before you and will treat others after you the same. Its not personal . You're not special ,you could be anyone its just your turn now. You are just a body on a list of conquests, ok for a time then err nothing special when he has done and had his fill of you.
Does that help any? Either way he seems very undeserving of you, You go out there and get more, you don;t need him and his drama. Men like this are never sorry ever..banish him and don't look back. I hope you find someone who loves the bones of you then you will see it for what it was xx

Everythingisnumbersnow · 15/01/2025 18:02

itsjustbiology · 15/01/2025 17:59

How he has treated you,he has treated others before you and will treat others after you the same. Its not personal . You're not special ,you could be anyone its just your turn now. You are just a body on a list of conquests, ok for a time then err nothing special when he has done and had his fill of you.
Does that help any? Either way he seems very undeserving of you, You go out there and get more, you don;t need him and his drama. Men like this are never sorry ever..banish him and don't look back. I hope you find someone who loves the bones of you then you will see it for what it was xx

Yes you're totally right. I'm a meat doll for him to act out whatever issues he has. I actually think whatever odd feelings he has instead of guilt have been triggered by the Neil gaiman stuff. He wasn't THAT bad (as far as I know) but I think there are similar threads of coldness.

I think the problem is that he's got whatever pheremones genuinely horrible but charismatic men seem to have.

OP posts:
itsjustbiology · 15/01/2025 18:06

So turn it round and use him for exercise!! Then kick him to the curb,refuse to see him,don't take his calls until you get the urge to tap his pheromones again! Or you could just run for the hills and find strength and happiness with someone who genuinely cares for you x

Tittat50 · 15/01/2025 18:09

I'd look up Dr Ramani on YouTube. She's fantastic. Videos on most aspects of people like him. It's possible he's a narcissist and it takes alot of understanding and learning to know what's happening here and how to get through it. Also, you don't want another one and you're high risk of getting another sack of shit like this until you realise what's going on with this dynamic.

WilfredsPies · 15/01/2025 18:14

Doesn't seem to like you much but then won't let you go You’re not a Pokémon card. He doesn’t get to decide whether or not he gets to keep you. That’s your decision.

The butterflies you feel are not excitement; it’s anxiety. You’re not in love with him, you’re in love with the man you thought he was. If he can pick you up and put you down again, he must have utter contempt for you. You’re his safety net. Something to pick up when there’s nobody better for him, or someone he wants has seen him for what he really is and he needs his ego building up again. He is not a good man. This thing with him is not meant for you; let it go.

Lastly, do you want him because you have low self esteem and you think he’s the best you can get? Or because YOU have commitment issues and he’s safe to mess about with because you know he’ll never commit to you. You’ll never have to open up your heart to him and trust him not to hurt you because you know that him dropping you is only ever a week or so away.

WilfredsPies · 15/01/2025 18:19

I think the problem is that he's got whatever pheremones genuinely horrible but charismatic men seem to have

Don’t credit him with having genuine charisma. It’s an act.

Everythingisnumbersnow · 15/01/2025 18:33

WilfredsPies · 15/01/2025 18:14

Doesn't seem to like you much but then won't let you go You’re not a Pokémon card. He doesn’t get to decide whether or not he gets to keep you. That’s your decision.

The butterflies you feel are not excitement; it’s anxiety. You’re not in love with him, you’re in love with the man you thought he was. If he can pick you up and put you down again, he must have utter contempt for you. You’re his safety net. Something to pick up when there’s nobody better for him, or someone he wants has seen him for what he really is and he needs his ego building up again. He is not a good man. This thing with him is not meant for you; let it go.

Lastly, do you want him because you have low self esteem and you think he’s the best you can get? Or because YOU have commitment issues and he’s safe to mess about with because you know he’ll never commit to you. You’ll never have to open up your heart to him and trust him not to hurt you because you know that him dropping you is only ever a week or so away.

All of this seems really sensible and I appreciate it.

Honestly I think it's because I find him really attractive on an animal level which is really unusual for me. Normally relationships are sort of thought through but I was captivated from first moment I met him.

Which is a silly basis for anything grown up,I know.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 15/01/2025 19:52

He can only treat you how he treats you because you allow it. You have agency over your own life and your own decisions. Block him, end all contact and go cold turkey. Fill your time with other things - seeing friends, running/walking/yoga, take up a new hobby, take a course and learn something new. Do positive things for yourself - treat yourself to delicious healthy food, beauty treatments, fancy bath oils and new books. Be your own best friend. You deserve good things in your life. Make it happen 💐

WilfredsPies · 15/01/2025 20:22

Everythingisnumbersnow · 15/01/2025 18:33

All of this seems really sensible and I appreciate it.

Honestly I think it's because I find him really attractive on an animal level which is really unusual for me. Normally relationships are sort of thought through but I was captivated from first moment I met him.

Which is a silly basis for anything grown up,I know.

Yeah, I’ve been there!

Just keep thinking about every time he has been selfish, or an idiot. Try and give yourself the ick about something. Even if it’s just something small. Then every time he pops in your head, concentrate on that.

Paradisegained · 15/01/2025 20:24

Everythingisnumbersnow · 15/01/2025 17:51

You are all right. I don't think he knows what love feels like (he once asked me to describe it) and I think he sort of envies people who can love and wants everyone to love him. It's all ridiculous. We don't have kids.

Then block on absolutely everything have a funeral for him on the back garden - grieve and then move on

Rainbowqueeen · 15/01/2025 20:29

Go no contact. Delete and block. Same with any person who is a friend of his.

Then have some goals for yourself. Things to look forward to.

Every time you are at home and thinking of him get up and do 30 jumping jacks or 30 push ups. At least that way he is benefiting your life.

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