To stop sons friend from coming over

[jaffacookies]

Ds19 has made a new friend he met through another friend and they have become quite good friends in the few weeks that he's known him.

The thing is he has just moved here from another part of the country to live with his dad after his mum kicked him out accusing him of physically attacking her and he is on bail so not aloud to return back home.
I have never tried to control who my dc are friends with or have over but I feel particularly uncomfortable with this lad in our home knowing what he's capable of.
Ds is working and contributing now so would it seem unreasonable for me to ask him not to have this lad in? I know it would make things awkward for him too and he hasn't actually been to court yet and says his mum is lying and he's innocent. (I don't believe that for a moment but ds does)

Nope, they are adults and they can find somewhere else to hang out.
I didn't take friends home after I left high-school tbh so your son has had a good run but you deserve peace in your own home.

How do you know so much detail about the young man if your son only befriended him a few weeks ago?

Of course you have the right to choose who comes into your home.

But why don’t you believe him? Have you met him? Do you know his mum?

Seems fair enough

He might not be lying. My mother attacked my brother with an empty whisky bottle, he called the police and they made him (18 years old) leave the house at 3am with nowhere to go. Mine also once told the neighbours that I had attacked her. I'd like to think that they looked at the marks around my eyes where she had dug her nails in whilst trying to claw my eyes out, and come to a different conclusion. Mothers are capable of lying to the police and making up stories about their children.

You obviously have a good relationship with your son, as he has told you about his friend’s situation

Does your son normally have a good judge of character about friends? If so, what is making you feel uncomfortable & not believe his friend? Is this is his first non childhood friend? Sorry lots of questions but I’m curious (aka nosey 😂)

Can you not base your opinions on your actual interactions with this young man? Is he polite to you? Does he behave well in your house? If so then why would you think things would escalate?

I wouldnt care if it was true i wouldnt expose myself to the risk to appear fair/nice.
He wouldnt be allowed in my home.

They are adults and can socialise anywhere.
If my ds couldnt respect a basic boundary he'd be asked to move out and id ask him why he wanted to up end his life because he couldn't respect a simple request

It’s 50/50 if it’s true or not but in the big scheme of things I presume your never alone in the house with him so you’ll be at zero risk

I prefer to judge people on their behaviour under my roof.

I'd welcome him in but keep a close eye on attitudes and behaviour.

It sounds like he and his mum fell out. You don't know the background of why, or what actually happened, but it's unlikely to happen again in your house where the relationships are completely different.

Or don't you believe in innocent until proven guilty?

I wouldn't allow it. The police are pretty useless when it comes to domestic violence so to arrest him and release on bail it must be bad. Your son needs to respect your boundaries and like others have said I'd be expecting them to socialise outside of the house. I'd also be speaking to ds about his choice of friends and asking him to think about why his friend's mum would lie? What does she have to gain from that? She could have just asked him to leave seeing as he's an adult. It must have been bad to have her own son arrested. I'd be concerned about ds's attitude to women being influenced negatively.

Could you speak to the lads Dad to get more info/background? I would also judge based on how the lad treats your son and how he treats you and your house. It is possible his Mom is making it up although if it’s going to court I guess there would be evidence. I think even at 19 I’d rather know that my son is at home with his friend rather than getting up to his knows what elsewhere!

I think it depends on whether or not you trust your son’s judgment. I have a pretty open house policy with mine - I came to understand that one newish friend was sofa surfing and I quietly asked my son if we should offer him house room. He said no - that hot meals and clean bathroom was as far as he would go as this lad whilst nice and pleasant
seeming was a magnet for trouble that would end up at our door. Conversely, my spare room is currently occupied by a 17 yr old with a shitty home life who is not a bit of bother. I trust my kids to keep our home safe and they wouldn’t put me or us at risk. Do you trust your sons judgement of his character?