To think a rebound could work

[paddingtonboots]

I've met a lovely man, he's 50 and I'm 48 he is 3 months out of a 25 year marriage though with children.
He's taken me to meet his friends and I've been told he hasn't stopped smiling since we met and I'm all he talks about.
I've been single for a while through choice, focusing on career and travelling but now I'm at an age where I'd like to settle down and I've met a wonderful man, don't get me wrong it's only been a few weeks but we chat every day and meet up every few days and have a few shared friends.
AIBU to think this could be real so soon after his breakup?
I don't want to get carried away and end up hurt but he seems to really like me.

He’s a man - of course it’s not too soon, this is what men do.

Too soon very probably, any hurdle or temptation gets in his way and he may re-evaluate everything

It depends. Divorce can be a while after separation, and that can be a while after the marriage is dead. No harm in taking it slow and see where it goes.

My former long-term partner and I got together while he was still technically married. But, at that point, they were separated for over two years and were actually no contact. It took further two years to get the divorce finalised. So, three weeks post divorce is quite a nebulous timeframe in practice. We were together for 6 years and I was the one who outgrew the relationship at the end.

It depends what you mean by "work".

I found many middle aged and up single men want a woman around to do the work, as in household work, emotional labour, running the household, taking over chores regarding kids, and sex. If the woman is willing, it "works". In your case, he's single for a mere 3 months after a decades long marriage looking for a new relationship, so I would guess he's looking for a new woman to take over the wife "work".

I found self reliant men who were widowed or whose marriages ended tended not to jump into new relationships so fast.

Where you've been focused on your career, what is your living situation? Particularly when you compare it to his? Do you own a nice house by any chance? Has he left the family home and is now in a rented flat?

The speed with which men used to the comforts of a home life, can fall for a new woman can make your head spin

I think what's making me think about this is that he was not the one to initiate the divorce although he agrees their marriage was not working, he was initially devastated by the break up and wanted to make it work for the children.
I feel as though ideally he'd still be with his wife but as she wants a divorce he's starting over but people have told me he's head over heels and happier than they've seen him in a long time.

I've known a few people "rebound" into relationships they then stayed in very happily. There's no set formula or timeframe for love and sometimes it's inconvenient. You'll get a lot of bitter ex wives telling you it can never work and you're a fool for thinking it could, he's a typical man, he's just after your money blah blah blah, but it demonstrably can and does work all the time.

I'd just take it slow, have fun, enjoy it and him in the moment and accept that it might end, just like any relationship. Or it might last forever, who knows? I know you want to avoid getting hurt, but honestly if you avoid all the things in life that could end in hurt you won't have much of a life.

Three weeks since what exactly? I mean three weeks since they stopped living together or three weeks since divorce finalised?

3 months since she ended the marriage.

Snap him up or someone else will. Men move on very quickly.

However, you can take your time before you make a commitment. No rush. He's probably a nice guy. I wouldn't worry about him being a rebound, just take your time to get to know him. Don't get blinkered to his faults. Be prepared for him to be flaky.

At some point when you need him, he'll show you who he is, and then you can decide.

I got together with my DH about 3 days after splitting with my long term ex. I know this sounds crazy but our relationship had actually been dead for a looong time so I was kind of over him before we even split up. It worked out for me. Me and DH have been together for 22 years and are very happy.
Maybe it's the same for you and this man?

I don't think rebounds are necessarily a bad thing, as long as they don't involve suddenly moving in together. There I think there could be problems, as the man has never learned to be self sufficient and live by themselves, whereas you are an independent lady.

I think maintain your own spaces and lives, and just take it slow and see how it goes. Could be the start of something good. Also don't pay too much attention to what others are saying about how happy he is etc - how YOU feel about him is the important thing.

How long have you been seeing him?

Around 6 weeks.

as long as you take it each day incase it does not succeed, then all the best and hope it makes you happy

Well you've met him and feel very keen and have started going out together, so it's a bit late to wonder if it is too early to get involved! Just continue and enjoy it. Hopefully it will work out well for you both, but it's a bit soon to know that, as you're in the honeymoon period still.

I met my partner a few months after splitting over my ex and it was not a rebound. I was and still am head over heels years later.

My relationship with my ex was dead long before it officially ended.

This

His children are probably going to be devastated by this and everyone else will probably think you were the OW. Doesn’t he want to focus on getting into a contact routine with his kids first, unless they are older than 18 of course?
Rebounds can work but honestly it’s very quick, personally I would think he was looking for a replacement rather than liking me specifically, but I’m a suspicious old bird.

Nothing is real after six weeks - regardless of whether he has just come out of a 25-year marriage or has been single for 25 years. It's less than two months - it is no time at all. You don't know one another - this is the earliest of all early stages.

Just enjoy your time with him and try not to think too far into the future. If three months ago he was crying into his cornflakes because she left him then he is definitely on the rebound - there is no two ways about it - particularly after such a long marriage, but it doesn't mean you are doomed either. Just take it easy and see where it goes - no point putting labels on things at this stage - if it's meant to be then it will be, if not then you can have a nice, albeit brief dalliance.

Just keep your expectations and emotions in check. Could well work out but it's very quick to be integrating you into his friendship group already. He may be interested in a distraction primarily and later get round to thinking through his divorce etc. Don't be hurt if this happens and you're not as intriguing whilst he figures out his thoughts. By all means get to know him. Maybe the marriage was winding down and she was the one to make the decision but still. Protect yourself emotionally for a good while. I'd say enjoy things but keep plenty back for yourself.

He's been out of a 25 year marriage for 12 weeks and he's been seeing you for 6???

Yes, too soon I think.

How old are his kids?

Mine was over me and on top of another woman within 6 short weeks because this is how many men are. They need their shattered ego from being rejected soothed quickly as possible. He had told his mum about her, some others in the family knew of her immediately. He was round her place a lot rather than be on his own at his mums. He neglected our kids in favour of spending time with this woman to 'punish' me for ending the marriage.

He should have spent some time reflecting on why the marriage failed because I didn't end it out of nowhere, I'd been fighting for it for years and he couldn't/wouldn't change or see his part in anything.

I suspect this man isn't as amazing as you think, you're just getting his best version right now and of course he is 'smiling' and appears happy right now, he feels better about being rejected "look how quickly someone wanted me!" and he is high as a kite of dopamine from new sex and a woman showing her best self to him. He doesn't have to address any of his faults and failings as a partner in his marriage while in a very very new relationship where everyones on best behaviour.

Maybe you've and he have struck lucky and you are the perfect match but I'd keep a man that hasn't spent some decent time reflecting on his part in a failed marriage at a reasonable emotional distance till I'd worked out why a his wife of such a long time took the huge step of dismantling their life together. I doubt she woke up one day and said "next!"

If he suggests at any point he did naff all wrong and she's a bit of a psycho, run for the hills. He likely has zero insight or accountability.

I was with XH for 15 years. He started dating someone else a month after we separated 🤨 She had only been separated for a couple of weeks longer with a longer marriage. They are now engaged. They seem to think it’s just perfect timing that they came together at the right time. I feel a little sour that he was crying about us splitting one week and jumping in with her so soon after but he’s emotionally abusive and he needed his next victim. I’m skeptical as to whether it will last but hey, not my problem!
I would be very wary of getting romantically involved with someone so fresh out of a long marriage personally. Keep an eye on his behaviours, is he love bombing you?