Can someone unpick this for me?

[CarlyS91]

Okay so, growing up I had friends, liked the idea of friends but really (as a girl) found it quite stressful around the bitchy teenage years.

through my 20’s, friendships at work and uni etc, never ‘best friends’ but would keep up with texting etc and meeting up, had good work pals ie had lunches together etc. this suited me fine. Always lived alone and enjoyed my own space.

fast forward a fair few years I’m a bit older with a child. I don’t struggle with confidence in some respects IE I have no issue telling someone on the bus turn your shitty music off, I could present something to 200 people if I needed to. I just don’t get shy in those ways

i don’t have any friends locally but have 1 or 2 I keep up with on WhatsApp etc .

the issue is, whenever someone wants to make friends with me I absolutely panic. For example, I’ll be at soft play with my child. Naturally you get chatting, I’m really good at this part and I enjoy finding out about people. Then they’ll usually say about meeting up again or swapping numbers and my heart sinks, I swap the numbers of course but then I ghost them as I just don’t want any friends? But why?

another example I recently joined a gym. In one of my dance fit classes got talking to 2 nice women, again they wanted to swap numbers and chat etc, I got so worked up I never returned to the class and changed gyms- it’s that intense.

Can someone explain why I’m like this?

im perfectly happy having no friends, I like conversation with people and am confident in general social situations, but the minute it seems to progress I absolutely lose my mind from worry and anxiety.

am I a total weirdo?

I'm like this, I can do superficial chat with people, and I enjoy it, but I'm not good at being in touch, staying in touch and friendship in general.

Every time I've tried I haven't been a very good friend, but I'll do people favours all day long, I just don't want a friendship out of it. I'm totally happy on my own.

I have ADHD, so I put it down to that.

I’m so glad this isn’t just me! Exactly that I love the idea of the service of friendship (I’m a people pleaser) but I see women in groups of friends and I’m just like how? Howwww!
obviously now I have a child I feel like I’m failing him by being like this. Same with my partner who has a lot of friends.

I spoke to my therapist about it who could only suggest potentially autism and my ‘confident’ traits were actually just masking

but I just feel like a complete bloody nutcase.

i wonder if some of it stems from such low confidence as a child, also my parents didn’t have any friends- they just had each other really.

I have 6 dc aged 23 down to 7, only one struggles with friendships (she is autistic) the rest are really popular and have loads of hobbies and great social lives, so there's no reason it should impact your dc at all.

I've really tried with the whole groups of friends thing, but I find it exhausting.

Phew that’s made me feel better. Are you happy with your own company a lot? I find a lot of things in life are geared towards friendships and doing things in groups whereas I crave my own space and peace!

I can't explain this but I'm like it too. Sometimes I crave friendship but then when someone shows an interest I back off. I can be friends with people superficially, like, I can chat to people easily at gym classes or at social events but the thought of anything deeper freaks me out.

I am a member of a social group that meets up twice a month and while I always enjoy it when I'm there I have horrendous anxiety about actually going and I worry about what people think of me. I can chat one on one with people but feel lost in a big group (there are often 10-12 of us there).

I suspect I have autism and ADHD so I put it down to that. I have always struggled socially, but for the most part I am content to be a loner, I just sometimes see people with close friendships and wish for the same.

I did have one very close friend a few years ago, who I got on well with but I found her attention suffocating after a while. She was the type who makes friends easily and soon moved on to someone else which affected me deeply. I think a part of me doesn't like to get too close or give much away in case it doesn't last

What's weird though is I'm in a very happy, stable LTR who I am very close to, and love to spend time with... So I can do it!

I can relate to this a lot, enjoy public speaking etc. but find friendships feel tormenting.

Had V abusive parents and if anyone showed an interest in me my mother would start with 'you'll never hear from them again/ what would they want with you etc. ' Even if I did hear from them again I couldn't stand the tension and was relieved if it came to an end.

I notice I always feel most safe when in a room on my own, as I did when a child.

I am happy though!

I used to feel like a failure because I struggled so much.

I've hit a time in my life where I'm not really arsed about conforming or doing what is expected of me anymore.

I'm totally happy with my own company, I have a dp, we have discussed moving in together, but I'm happy with things as they are. I have my kids, and a couple of dogs and I'm absolutely content, moreso now I'm not pressuring myself to be uncomfortable because I feel like I'm supposed to have friends.

I find it's the responsibility that comes with a close friendship I find suffocating. I do crave friendships, but I don't like to be part of a clique, so can tend to back off if it looks to be heading that way. I suppose I'm a bit of a loner on the female friendship front, but have a great DH, whose company I enjoy immensely. Just a shame he doesn't enjoy shopping with me.

I hear you OP. My DH thinks I'm bizarre because I prefer my own company. What he doesn't get is that when I make an effort to see a friend I'm completely drained afterwards whereas when he meets friends he gets energized. I've got 2 friends who knows that I'm antisocial and accept me for who I am. It's true that if you met me on the school run/playground etc you'd think I was a social butterfly because I like social interactions. Don't worry about your DC. I've got two boys and one of them is like his dad the other one is autistic. I do wonder if I'm autistic but hey ho. Nice to see that I'm not alone re friendships!

I have a good number of good friends but not really a group. I recognise this feeling.

I'm very selective (I mean in terms of whether we get on, not whether they're fancy or anything!) and tbh would rather miss out than get stuck or have to be rude if someone I don't really vibe with wants more.

Love my own company and that of my friends but I'm quite handy at evading getting closer to people im not sure about even if they seem basically nice. There are times I'd like to be better at making friends as I move around quite a bit for work and some areas aren't great for dropping into socially but I just seem to need my solitude even when a missing company; I have ADHD.

I make a lot of effort with friends, travel, gifts, checking in etc. Sounds bad but some of my close friend have started as friends of other friends. If I'm brutally honest with myself, it's like the first friend has taken that initial risk and initiative for me. I am careful if I hit it off with someone in these circs not to exclude the original or to go around doing it all the time .

Well, you're the only one who can unpick this ultimately, OP. Are you generally vague about your own strong avoidant responses to things, or is it just this? I think you need to try to think about your fear response either as it's happening, or immediately afterwards -- slow it down, think 'Where am I feeling this in my body?' What exact thing that this person said or did made me respond that way? You need to try to observe yourself as though you were someone else, and figure it out.

Unless it's in fact the case that you don't want to figure it out, that the anxiety/'freeze' response is in fact a (possibly entirely unconscious) excuse -- you don't, for whatever reason, want friends (which you admit yourself) and this 'it makes me so anxious' thing is basically you giving yourself permission not to have friends when the world is telling you you're supposed to?

I suppose what I am hearing in your posts is that you don't want to solve it as you're happy as you are. That's your decision, obviously, but unlike a pp, I do think you have a responsibility as a parent to model healthy attitudes towards friendships to your young child. I grew up with friendless, socially-withdrawn parents who taught me some very strange attitudes to friendships and relationships in general, and it took me and my siblings years to unpick these and learn how to have friends. Because we, unlike you, wanted them, but had been taught that the world was a frightening place, other people were exploitative or a threat and friendship was some arcane thing.

So, yes, I think it is your responsibility to unpick this for the sake of your child, and find some way of incorporating other people into your life that you can tolerate, even enjoy. Ultimately, it's your call.

I can really relate to this. I’ve always had friends at all the various stages of my life, often quite big groups of friends - college, work, neighbours, school mums - but I find it completely exhausting and unsustainable. I just don’t/can’t do long term friendship and tend to let people gently fade out of my life when I move onto a new phase, rather than make the effort to keep things going.

I also avoid pretty much all social media. The thought of letting loads of people know where I am and what I’m doing (and also that anyone from any era of my life could see it) is simultaneously depressing and terrifying, like living in a goldfish bowl.

I’m more than happy in my own company, and having more than a handful of social commitments in the calendar starts to make me feel claustrophobic and anxious.

Yet most people who know me would probably describe me as outgoing, confident, gregarious (like you, no worries about presenting to a huge audience, being assertive, etc). I also love a big party or social gathering and will really throw myself into it - but then I don’t want to talk to anyone for about a week afterwards!

When I described myself as a closet introvert to someone who knows me well, her reaction was “don’t be ridiculous!” - but that’s genuinely how I see my real self, and not having to maintain multiple friendships at this point in my life just feels like a blessed relief.

So no, you’re not weird. Or maybe actually you, I and most of the people on this thread are weird. But you’re definitely not alone!

I had lots of friends in school, made lots of friends in uni, work, knew everyone, couldn't walk down the road without stopping to chat to people I knew.

Over the years though, I keep people at arms length now as I've been hurt by so many friends that I feel like I'm obviously not a good judge of character when it comes to friends. I've shown people loyalty but it wasn't returned, I spoke up when I've been hurt but never apologised to.

1 best friend kissed my ex who I was so madly in love with, I cried every night for months when we broke up and then she kissed him. When she told me, I walked away and never spoke to her again, i was so hurt. There's more to this but I won't go in to it.

1 friend was a complete bitch to me when I said I couldn't go out as I couldn't afford it as I was out of work at the time, she blanked me after that even in the street whilst we were both walking towards each other.

1 friend used me financially when I helped her and completely took the piss with my other housemates.

A group of us school mums always used to hang out together but now I'm not invited to anything but i know they still socialise together.

So I figure I'm better off just not investing too deeply in any friendship because I can't seem to get it right.

I'm with you on this! I've two close friends but I don't spend time with them, no days out or coffee etc. Both pop into my work occasionally & we talk on apps. Plenty of ppl I know & would call friends but we don't do anything, I just don't want to! I adore them, love them to bits, but don't want to spend time IRL & that works for all of us & I'll do anything at all for them.

I used to drink a lot when out & since I've stopped (nothing dramatic, my body decided it didn't want alcohol any more) I realised I drank so I could be sociable, so I could cope.

But I'm a super masker, no one would know lol, it's like having a whole other person on standby who can step up & do this stuff when I need her, but I'm actually on the sofa in my pyjamas happily having not spoken to anyone outside of my household for days.

I've done loads of public speaking, interviews, I chat at length to all my customers of my business - was a right partier too (drugs helped with that). I seem confident & capable & eloquent but I'm drained after! Like my soul has been sucked out, it's ridiculous. Only ever had customer facing jobs 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'll also go out of my way to help ppl, I'll stop to help stuck drivers, lost people etc & I'm glad to do it.

Am totally at ease around my family & we see each other a fair amount but other ppl? I have to deploy the other Caerulea to cope.

I'm ND af, I realise that as an adult. I don't think there's anything wrong with you, we don't all want to live in Instagram BFF reels & I'm fine with that

I was going to suggest ASD. I am also the same, but less good at keeping up with the WhatsApp’s!

Could it just be that you are an introvert?

I never thought of myself as an introvert and indeed in my 20s I feel I was quite sociable and relatively outgoing. I thought “introvert” was just another word for “shy” and that I wasn’t especially shy.

However I did a Myers Briggs’s test at work and it came back that I was quite far along the introvert “spectrum”. The guy doing the test gave an illustration of introversion and I thought “Oh my god, that’s me!” - a real lightbulb moment.

He said the way to compare an extrovert and an introvert is to consider two robots. The extrovert robot goes out into the world and gets its energy from interacting with other people. When it goes home at the end of the day and is on its own it loses that energy so enjoys going out again the next day to “recharge”.

The introvert robot is the opposite - when they go out into the world they may still enjoy socialising but they find it tiring/it saps their energy. When they go home at night is when they recharge their batteries, ready to go out into the world again.

I eg go to a book group and I really enjoy the company of the other members. However it will get to 10pm or whatever and I’ll think “that was nice but I really want to go home now” whereas they might keep going for another 1-2 hours. I’m the same with any evening social event, even though I’m not someone who goes to bed very early.

I thought I’d share in case it resonates with anyone else!

Being badly hurt and/or betrayed by someone close to you in the past can result in that type of fear response. You put a barrier up to stop people getting close so the chance of getting hurt like that again can’t happen.

I can relate in some ways.

I have a really great friendship circle of about 6-7 really close friends but we are in very similar in that we all like our own space and have no need to be in each others pockets,
don't like loud nights out or drama etc and I'd say all of us are really happy in our own company. It's taken a long time to get here and develop these relationships...we started slowly and built from there over years.

Prior to that I had "friends" in my late teens and twenties but I didn't really like them or enjoy our times together..."the girls". I knew I was meant to have a friendship circle and go on nights out as it was the social expectation. But I'd usually dread our times together, get anxious before we met up and frequently cried in bed after meeting up as the circle was "bitchy", toxic really and I didn't how
to play the social game that was going on. In the end I was "lovingly mocked" and laughed at one too many times and I ghosted the lot of them.

For a year, I had NO friends. I went to hobbies, the cinema, concerts etc on my own. I loved it. God, there was so much PEACE. I could just be me! It was great.

A few times, I'd meet people and they'd be eager to be friends and I'd feel panicky and anxious again. Then an older woman said to me, "You don't need to be friends with everyone, you know? You don't owe anyone friendship. You can be polite, but say thanks but no thanks if you don't gel. It's life and they'll get over it."

It was quite life-changing, really. Up until then I think I felt like I had no choice but to be friends with whoever latched on to me as I had to "Be Kind". Then I'd feel suffocated and trapped and unhappy.

My own history is that there is some attachment trauma from a difficult childhood, some bullying and exclusionary behaviour in junior school and...an AuDHD diagnosis. I'd say most of my friendship circle are high achievers with AuDHD too, and some exes! Our default seems to be that we appear confident and popular but don't really like most social situations (the phrase "I hate people" gets bandied about a lot when we meet up!) we all need a lot of downtime and we all get on because we can unmask around each other and bond for who we really are. Then leave when it all gets too much!

I don't know how or why, I suspect it's because I am comfortable in my own skin and don't need anyone, but I make friends really easily. Too easily and I don't like it. Like you, it seems I can't go to hobbies or days out without someone asking if we can swap numbers and I feel too uncomfortable to be impolite and say, "No. I'm not really looking for more friends, thanks!"

I'm having to stop going to Zumba because a woman there has just decided I am her best friend. She brought me a plant on my 3rd week there "just because", presented it in front of the whole class and then asked if we could have a cup of coffee immediately after the class. I had a routine of blissfully sitting there with a book and coffee every week enjoying a rare moment of alone time. I loved it.

But I felt obliged, and the next thing I knew I had her whole life story, an invite to have dinner with her and her husband and there was an expectation of at least weekly coffees and catch ups and loads of other social activities, wanting to "pop round" or have me "pop over" to hers so we can have a "good catch up and therapy session!" (I've avoided giving my address!) and annoying, "hello my amazing friend 😊😊😊 what are you up to today?" texts. And "saving a spot for my bestie" every week at Zumba. I've only actually met her around 6 times in total!

She keeps referring to us as we all the time..."Are you coming to Zumba Hunni? xxx 😘😘😘" "No not today, I've broke my arm." "Oh no! I've got a cold! What are we like eh? No worries, fancy a coffee and cake anyway? We love a good cake don't we?! 🎂🍰🧁❤️❤️❤️"

I keep seeing on MN that ghosting is cowardly and only terrible people do it and we need to #bekind to everyone and we never know how lonely people are and it's "MEAN GIRL!" "you sound like a bitch!" vibes if you don't want to be friends with everyone.

I don't want to ghost this woman and do feel sorry for her but I don't actually like her, feel like it's all too cloying and I just want her to leave me alone and get the hell out of my life. I know she will be extremely hurt if I say, "sorry, I don't really want to meet up or socialise. I think we're too different and I really like my alone time and don't have enough of it." She's a real social butterfly and really needs to have people around her all the time, but I don't and she doesn't get that at all.

For now I keep making excuses and doing Youtube Zumba! I loved the class and instructor but it's not worth the loss of peace.

Anyway...this is all just to say you aren't all that weird...I'm weirder obviously haha! There are other people who feel like you, you aren't alone. Feeling happy in your own company is such a gift, embrace it.

It could be neurodiversity. It could be trauma. Or an ambivalent/avoidant attachment. Or you could just be an introvert who is happy in there skin. Whatever it is, there is nothing wrong with you. Just do what makes you happy and don't spend your free time making yourself miserable to make other people happy. You're fine as you are.

I do this and I'm diagnosed autistic with ADHD!

I’m extremely similar, bar the LTR! And I only seem to want one when I find another person attractive (which isn’t that often, and they rarely like me back; in reality, I haven’t been able to handle close intimate relationships in the past, either. So I tend to be kind of limerent instead). Fwiw I was diagnosed with autism, suspect I have ADHD, and have abandonment issues due to being given up for adoption. All the As, pity they’re all crap lol.

@CarlyS91 I'd love to know the answer to this because I'm 100% the same.

Partly I know it's because I've made an effort in the past to be ghosted myself, and it's humiliating.

I also know that in my head I have a worry that although we get on superficially (i.e., I'm pretty good at small talk) that for the 'real stuff' we might be at opposite ends of the scale, making us incompatible as friends. I do this before I have even any idea of what their thinking is.

We've got new neighbours, they have sons the same age as mine, I really want to make friends but I don't know how.

You sound like me and I've recently been wondering about level 1 autism. My teen years felt very detached and not at all like "normal" girls. I feel like I do all the social stuff because I know I have to but not cos I'm good at it.

I do have a good few friends....most of whom are neuro divergent.

Have you heard the term social introvert?

basically it means you like interacting with people but find it emotionally draining so it’s hard and can cause anger because of course humans don’t like feeling negative things so the brain connects the interaction with negativity or feelings of tiredness illness etc.
so instead of an extrovert who feeds on social interaction and isn’t really that good alone or an introvert who becomes starved from it and if truth be told doesn’t really get much if any enjoyment out of it and quite often wouldn’t prefer to be along. A social introvert enjoys a bit of chat but very quickly finds their tank empty and need to prepare themselves so they have fuel to spend beforehand to so they don’t do well with lots of texting and being needed all the time or you know having to regularly spend energy they don’t really have to match the friends energy to not appear uncaring even though they care deeply about them

it doesn’t actually mean you don’t want friends or don’t like people but just that you need friendships to be easier than a lot of people expect.

the people I am closest to are like me or completely un-judgmental so there is no negative impact on our relationship if for example someone isn’t in touch properly but not ghosting! or admits actually I’m not really up to meeting on Saturday do you mind if we rearrange. But we still put in effort and show we care. It’s not the same as these selfish friends you see threads about on here.

I'm like this too. I like chatting to people but only within a certain space... So I have 2 school Mum friends who I really enjoy spending time with while we're waiting at the gate. We have a chat and a laugh, it's great! But if one of them suggested meeting up outside of that situation, I would probably try to get out of it somehow. I really like both of them, I've known one of them since the DC were in preschool and they're now in Y6... it's so stupid!

Same goes for people I've met at toddler groups, swimming lessons, volunteering, etc. While I'm with them in the "correct" place, it's great. As soon as we're out of that bubble, I can't deal with it. I don't have many friends anyway but the ones I do have I keep very separate, and usually confined to one place!