To wonder how to have a friendship with friend who had a breakdown?

[Celia24]

I’ve had a male friend for 20 years.

it became long distance 7 years ago but we still went on trips with our partners and mutual friends every year.

A year ago he had a mental breakdown but didn’t tell me, just stopped replying to all comms. Finally I messaged as I had assumed ghosting which he said upset him as he would never do that.

since then I’ve asked about his girlfriend, his work etc and he never responds anymore. He also never asks how I am or anything about my life.

After three months of nothing yesterday he sent a song and said ‘this song always makes me think of you at this time of year’. It’s about a woman with my eye colour and a man proposing to a woman. I don’t get it really.

We last had a trip together in autumn of 2023 and I had no indication anything was wrong. AIBU to not know how to have this friendship anymore?

I don't understand the problem. If he doesn't respond there is no need to do anything in order to "have this friendship" as he is absent from it most of the time. Just follow his lead and make sympathetic noises when he reaches out. Seems like a very low effort friendship to me and I have a few like that myself that cause me no concern whatsoever.

@Catza the thing is that it had gone from being one of the main friendships in my life to the ‘low effort’ friendship you describe.

we were seeing each other every year and now it’s ‘this reminded new of you’ rather than actually wanting to have a friendship. Like I’m a friend from the past when I thought this would be lifelong?

I’ve had two bereavements and he doesn’t even know. Obviously nothing I can really do as you say.

@Celia24 what was her like before the breakdown?

I'm almost qualified in commenting on this now, sadly. Ghosting is incredibly common. Most people won't admit to doing it.

so the breakdown may or may not be a factor. I think the best thing is to see what he does. But I do have one "friend" who struggled after his child was diagnosed with a complex condition. I call him occasionally, he talks for ages and then says things like "please don't stop calling. I can't call people but I really appreciate when they call me. I don't know why but I just can't call people".

so her at least tried to communicate his complicated brain space.

he doesn't live in England so I've no idea if we'd have been able to keep a friendship in person. But I had a nervous breakdown in 2023 and he spent quite a few hours helping by phone. he also sends a birthday gift every year.

maybe have one direct conversation but how far along is he in terms of recovery?

did you tell him you have suffered bereavements?

@EmeraldRoulette three months ago he told me he was doing much better but still found it easy to be triggered to spark an episode so I’m not 100% sure.

I didn’t tell him about the human bereavements as I worried about mentioning heavy stuff. I did say my cat of 20 years had died and he ignored that.

I found myself looking at lovely emails from 10 years ago from another bereavement when he was there for me. I feel sad because it’s like that person is gone. I also feel like I am grieving the loss of this friendship which has been more or less the most important of my life, aside from one woman.

@Celia24 but the friendship might not be over

he has been in touch which is a positive.

I'd keep in touch and give it time. Probably set something out clearly eg say you'd love to meet when he's ready.

Something similar happened between my best friend and I. We actually lost contact completely for about 4 years. 20 years on we are closer than ever. She had a lot going on - abusive relationship, son diagnosed with progressive genetic condition which left him quadriplegic by the age of 6, brother's wife tragically died on the first day of a holiday abroad. It was a lot and I completely understand that it was not her priority to be chatting to someone who lives on the other side of the world over leaning on people who are close. I basically just took her lead. We reconnected when the time was right and I still remember sitting in her kitchen for the first time in 5 years and picking up conversation exactly where we left off.
We are going on holiday together this spring and I am looking forward to spending a couple of weeks with her. The dropout has long been forgotten.

I think you need to let him take his time. No need to break the friendship, just carry on with your life and keep him in your thoughts. He may not be able to cope with anything else at the moment, but things often improve over time.