I can’t cope anymore

[Neonnn]

I’m a single parent. My DD is 5 and a half. I work 20 hours per week. Get up and do the school run, work, pick DD up and then she will be with me, try and keep a routine but she won’t sleep at night so I don’t get a second to myself. Since she turned 5 things have got worse. Her behaviour is worse now than ever. She will scream, kick me, hitting, scratching, to get her own way. She will say hurtful things to me. Sleeping is a nightmare, says she is scared, her tummy hurts, her legs hurt, screaming and crying for an hour and nothing I do will help her. So worried about what the neighbours must think. Earlier I was no where near her and was on an important phone call and she said ‘ow you hurt me, ow you made me fall’. Starting to panic about what people are hearing. All I do is try and support her and do my best. Not always like this; sometimes she is loving and we get on but most of the time she is finding something to whinge about and then cry about. The other day she was doing aqua beads and I asked her a question and then some of the beads came apart and she said ‘you’ve broken it, you’ve made it break, why did you talk to me, it’s broken now’ whinging at me and using a whining voice. Just blames me for everything. Not like this at school, completely different, quieter member of class, has close friends’ I’m just so tired and feel like I can’t cope anymore, don’t even know where this has all come from, no matter what I do it’s not enough. Use consequences but she will just get louder and louder and scream more and more

Sounds like she might be wanting attention
Can you spend time doing something every evening for 10 mins?

We do, we baked when she got home from school and we read a book before bed. Night time is the worse time for this though

It sounds like she's blaming you for something that's going on in her life that she isn't able to articulate. You say that she's not like this in school, but could it be that the effort of holding everything together in school, is proving a bit much for her, and she blames you for making her go?

Does she spend any time with her father?

Do you have any support from family or friends, or is it just the two of you?

Has she any trauma in her early life? I don't want to pry into your circumstances but her behaviour sounds a bit like my DSD at a similar age. DH was at his wits' end and it was horrible to witness.

DSD's mother died when DSD was 4, of alcoholism and she was by many accounts quite nasty before she died. DSD was obviously very affected by this, she was really suffering.

I'm not trying to cast aspersions on your life! Just saying could there be something else going on, either present or past, that she is playing out at home? You're her safe space so she will let it all out with you.

I feel like this could be it but I’m not sure what it could be. She doesn’t see her dad. I’m wondering if it makes her feel different from her friends but she doesn’t mention it. We do see my parents, it is just me who she is like this with really but I don’t know why as I do everything for her and try to make things fun for her, we will even have a full day out and she will be fine and happy but as soon as it’s bed time she is upset

Is she watch or watching anything that she could be modelling the behaviour from.

but also she may just be in phase where she is defiant and practicing defiance and trying out fibbing/lies.

have spoken to her age appropriately about telling untruths and it being unkind? Etc?

maybe her bed time books could focus on these things via stories. Stories about whinging or lying etc?

a lot of it does seem attention seeking.

What time does she have to be up and what time is she going to bed?

If she's going to bed but not able to sleep, does she get anxious? Worried? Scared?
If she comes down after she's gone up, what happens?

Has she had a nightmare?

I agree that it is attention seeking but the question is why....

What year is she in? Reception-could still be adjusting to school. Yr 1- there's a big jump in what's expected of children compared to reception.

It sounds very odd. The phone call is concerning for a 5 yr old to say those things knowing that someone can hear.

Do you have much quality time with her each day? I appreciate that as a working single parent you dont have much time. Not placing any blame just thinking of ideas.

What is it that she wants at bedtime? For you to be near her?

I would reach out to school or school nurses for behaviour advice. She may open up to them if anything is bothering her.

Does she ever stay overnight at your parents or anywhere else, either with you or without?

When you try to impose consequences and her screaming gets louder, what happens then? Do you try to calm her, stop talking to her, leave the room?

I don’t think she has watched anything but of course someone could have said something at school. She is in Y1. She had a good end of year report from her teacher. Tbh she is generally happy and enjoys lots of things and has friends but her emotions are huge and small things can set her off, at home anyway. She does get anxious at night time and she has her teddies and I stay with her to try and settle her but not even that helps until she can just fall asleep when she’s ready. We do have quality time when I pick her up, I work school hours so I can spend time with her, she is a bit grumpy and upset when she comes out school, then settles and we do reading, baking, Coloring, arts and crafts. That’s what she is into. She doesn’t stay with anyone else apart from me

Sorry, by end of year I mean the end of term before they broke up before Christmas

It really does feel as though she is taking something out on me though and I just don’t know what, she is happy to see me when I pick her up but then she soon shows her emotions of the day that she might have been holding on to at school but it’s like 0 to 100 sometimes, over things than might seem trivial if that makes sense

The reason she does this to you and no one else OP, is that you're her safe person. She knows that whatever she does, you will ALWAYS be there for her, so don't feel that she's decided she hates you or anything daft like that.

Do you ever have the opportunity to have play dates for her? Maybe if you could invite some friends around, (not all at once, lol) or one specific one if she has one, you could then talk to her afterwards about her friend's family, and home life, perhaps asking if the friend lives with a Mummy AND Daddy, and if so, maybe ask her if she feels left out because her Daddy isn't around. Or you could ask if her friend likes going to school, these sort of questions, so that if she feels she's talking about her friend, she might say that she wishes she had the same (whatever it might be), that her friend has, if you see what I mean? It might just be a way of getting her to open up about what might be bothering her.

Are you able to wait until next time you're out for a walk and say
Darling I've noticed something . You're usually a happy girl but recently you seem to get really sad at bedtimes. Do you agree? What's going on?

See what she says. She might be scared. She might not know. She might be afraid of nightmares.

Then ask her if there's anything that could make bedtimes happier and better for her

Seeing as you have the time (as you're doing it anyway) maybe get ready get into your pjs brush your teeth with her and snuggle up in bed with her.

Ps i sympathize bedtimes are going on all evening with my 2 year old too