DH asking DSD to lie . AIBU? Why lie ?

[Redkissandpinkroses]

Tonight we had a very rare meal out as a family .DH asked DSD 16 not to tell her mum that we went out. He asked her to say we had just grabbed fish and chips .

This has pissed me off? DSD is 16 and I think asking a child to lie is terrible and also will make DSD think DH is a fibber .

Me and DSD have our own children and I would be really angry if he put them in the uncomfortable position of lying .

DH says I am being way over the top and he is merely asking DSD not to do this as whilst he pays a decent lump of maintence ( as he should ) DSD’s mother will use this as some
Sort of amo to demand we contribute more .

I said to DH if poor DSD slips and reveals or is just honest with her mother and explains her father asked her to lie this looks awful.

Plus , it makes me worried what if DH is telling me white lies.

So not to drip feed.
DSDs mum is remarried and leads a great life with lots of holidays and has a much higher standard of living than us.
DH pays above maintence and pays for clubs , instrument , pocket money and uniform as Ex is very clear she feels as DH earns well this is responsibility and we agree to this .
However we do have large outgoings . Hence the saving!!

In the past when we have taken DSD on holidays or days out DH has received messages saying she didn’t realise how much money we had and she feels if we have so much money we could be giving her more . When we have met together whilst friendly she will always start conversations about money. She asked me last year what my wage was.

However I still feel that regardless - you don’t ask your children to lie.

If he already pays over the odds, then whenever she messages/rings up to harangue for more money he just needs to say that the current amount is more than appropriate but if she feels strongly that it’s not enough, she is welcome to go through a legal process to determine that.

She doesn’t have a leg to stand on, so he just needs to learn to say no/ignore her after he has given her a clear message back, rather than making it his daughter’s problem to “manage” through lying.

Yes exactly this - he needs to stand up to her. And no, he should not be asking anyone to lie - it sets a very bad example and precedent.

I hope you didn't tell her your wage.

Your husband needs to learn to say no. How embarrassing that he's can't.

Asking his daughter to lie to her mum is awful.

No, he's putting her in a really awkward position. He shouldn't be asking her to lie to her mother. She will end up managing her parents awkward relationship for every special occasion for the rest of the life if they don't sort themselves out.

How much does DH have his daughter? I don’t think paying over CMS minimum is anything to brag about- it’s the legal / bare minimum and it’s usually pittance of the real cost of raising a child.

I don’t think it’s a big deal to ask DSD not to mention the dinner out. She’s 16 and surely can handle the idea that not all information needs to be shared. However , I think asking her to outright lie is a bit unfair on her, so YANBU for pointing that out.

Of course it's wrong for him to tell his daughter to lie to her mother, no matter what the circumstances! You did nothing wrong by going out for a family meal.

It's weird to lie about it. I agree, what's the point? If the ex moans and brings up money again, shoot it down (we pay over the required amount already. We pay over the requiredamount already. We pay over the requiredamount already...) Don't start telling pointless lies as that will just make it look like you have something to hide. You don't. You are allowed to eat what you like, where you like, when you like without having to lie about it!

His ex is a greedy cow!

If he had said to his daughter 'would you mind not mentioning to your Mum that we took you out for dinner, because if she knows, she'll be on my back wanting more money, and I already give her what I can afford, but if she asks you outright, then of course you should tell her the truth', then that would be different, but to not only ask her to lie, but actually give her the lie to tell her, is totally out of order.

The answer to how much do you earn? None of your business.
if you earn more you should pay me more-that’s none of your business and we pay above CMS rate already plus extras.

I think what you suggested is equally out of order. Children should not be drawn into their parents' inability to co parent like mature adults.

Maybe your husband needs to say if you're not happy maybe we should go to the child maintenance agency? She wouldn't want that because her payment would be reduced.