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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice / thoughts on MIL

14 replies

Icouldusetherapy · 13/01/2025 18:10

This is spilling over from Christmas a bit, so apologies, but I've only now had a bit of space to think properly about this:
We live miles away from any family, so the last few years as our two DD's have got older, now in their early 20's, we have quiet family Christmas with lots of lovely hanging out / days out with friends. The parents in law sent money rather than presents this year, £150 for me and £100 to DH.

AIBU to think that this is very strange?! And a bit rude to my husband?!

For context, let me try and summarize our relationship with the in-laws as I'll be here all night otherwise as me and DH have been married for 26 years this year:
We're not in a great place I would say.

We started off great all those years ago, and I love them dearly, so I am also quite heart broken at where we're at today. My husband is 1 of 4 siblings, 2 girls, 2 boys. His sisters have always had some sort of drama going on of some kind, his brother is super calm and lovely, his older sister and mother took a dislike to his wife when their twins were born 26 years ago. All in all we used to be good, everyone has kids so there are lots of cousins, we used to visit and hang out etc. My relationship changed with the older sister when my parents both passed away 10 years ago as she couldn't handle or acknowledge my grief at all. I tried to talk to her about it and she was having none of it and stopped turning up to gatherings etc if I was there. I asked his mother for help to sort it out as I didn't know what else to do, but she didn't want to get involved, and it never got resolved. The younger sister has since also ghosted us and in attempt to find out why she told my DH how much she has always hated him. My take on it is that she is very resentful towards him as he's been very successful in his career. Of course it is possible that she still harbors childhood dynamics between them, but we used to be good and hang out with her family too, and there was never a big fall out over anything.

So our relationship with the PIL has changed, we're not as close as we used to be. I am still cordial with them, but we don't have much contact any more. My DH catches up with them on the phone 1-2 times / month, he has had periods of no contact with them as he's been very disappointed in their behavior. They seem to very much favor their daughters, the boys don't get much of a look in other than when they need practical and financial help. His brother lives near them and helps them out regularly and my husband has helped them quite a bit financially over the years.

Now, we don't need their Christmas money, it is just awkward more than anything else. I don't mind if they send money to our girls, but not to us, it seems pointless? They are also not particularly well off! Husband says that if they want to send money, then let them. He doesn't really want to discuss it, I know he finds it painful to talk about is family and over the years we've talked about it plenty. We can't change them, only how we relate to them.

I have sent his mother a text to say thank you and what I treated myself to from the money.

I guess the AIBU would be:

AIBU - I should stop getting wound up, enjoy the money and be cordial to keep the peace.

YANBU - MIL is being super passive aggressive as per usual and is trying to send a message. Tell her to get stuffed and send the money back. Or come to think of it, I'll give it to charity next year if it happens again. Too late this time!

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 13/01/2025 18:15

In these kind of situations, I generally defer to what the person whose family it is wants to do. So, in this case, I'd follow your DH's lead.

Relaxaholic · 13/01/2025 18:20

Their gift was very generous! I can’t understand why it bothers you. I would be delighted.

beetr00 · 13/01/2025 18:24

Relaxaholic · 13/01/2025 18:20

Their gift was very generous! I can’t understand why it bothers you. I would be delighted.

I expect it's because they gave their son less than @Icouldusetherapy who is their DiL

TaffetaRustle · 13/01/2025 18:37

We've always pooled money and I guess dh used to be given Xmas money just to him but he considered it family money.

If neither of you want or need the money, how well off are you? For instance you could save it, start investing with it if no one has done that.

You could use it to open a sipp for both children?

If its money you feel given in a spiteful way then that's probably what I would do with it. Or pool it for something nice family wise eg a meal out

Edit : I almost feel the strangest thing here is that you spent it on yourself and didn't share it in some way

HappyMummaOfOne · 13/01/2025 18:57

I have a few questions :-

  • Do you buy or send anything to them?
  • Do you know if they send the same/similar to the other siblings?
  • If you don’t want the money and they aren’t well off why not message MIL and say something like “it was a lovely thought but DH and I have discussed and we think that going forward why don’t we just send birthday/xmas cards and stop with the gifts/money. Xx”
  • Is there a reason you think MIL is being passive aggressive with the money? Only you know if she is trying to send a message and if so what is it??
Turophilic · 13/01/2025 19:11

Joint money, so buy something nice for the pair of you with it. How they split it up doesn't have to matter.

wellington77 · 13/01/2025 20:13

Icouldusetherapy · 13/01/2025 18:10

This is spilling over from Christmas a bit, so apologies, but I've only now had a bit of space to think properly about this:
We live miles away from any family, so the last few years as our two DD's have got older, now in their early 20's, we have quiet family Christmas with lots of lovely hanging out / days out with friends. The parents in law sent money rather than presents this year, £150 for me and £100 to DH.

AIBU to think that this is very strange?! And a bit rude to my husband?!

For context, let me try and summarize our relationship with the in-laws as I'll be here all night otherwise as me and DH have been married for 26 years this year:
We're not in a great place I would say.

We started off great all those years ago, and I love them dearly, so I am also quite heart broken at where we're at today. My husband is 1 of 4 siblings, 2 girls, 2 boys. His sisters have always had some sort of drama going on of some kind, his brother is super calm and lovely, his older sister and mother took a dislike to his wife when their twins were born 26 years ago. All in all we used to be good, everyone has kids so there are lots of cousins, we used to visit and hang out etc. My relationship changed with the older sister when my parents both passed away 10 years ago as she couldn't handle or acknowledge my grief at all. I tried to talk to her about it and she was having none of it and stopped turning up to gatherings etc if I was there. I asked his mother for help to sort it out as I didn't know what else to do, but she didn't want to get involved, and it never got resolved. The younger sister has since also ghosted us and in attempt to find out why she told my DH how much she has always hated him. My take on it is that she is very resentful towards him as he's been very successful in his career. Of course it is possible that she still harbors childhood dynamics between them, but we used to be good and hang out with her family too, and there was never a big fall out over anything.

So our relationship with the PIL has changed, we're not as close as we used to be. I am still cordial with them, but we don't have much contact any more. My DH catches up with them on the phone 1-2 times / month, he has had periods of no contact with them as he's been very disappointed in their behavior. They seem to very much favor their daughters, the boys don't get much of a look in other than when they need practical and financial help. His brother lives near them and helps them out regularly and my husband has helped them quite a bit financially over the years.

Now, we don't need their Christmas money, it is just awkward more than anything else. I don't mind if they send money to our girls, but not to us, it seems pointless? They are also not particularly well off! Husband says that if they want to send money, then let them. He doesn't really want to discuss it, I know he finds it painful to talk about is family and over the years we've talked about it plenty. We can't change them, only how we relate to them.

I have sent his mother a text to say thank you and what I treated myself to from the money.

I guess the AIBU would be:

AIBU - I should stop getting wound up, enjoy the money and be cordial to keep the peace.

YANBU - MIL is being super passive aggressive as per usual and is trying to send a message. Tell her to get stuffed and send the money back. Or come to think of it, I'll give it to charity next year if it happens again. Too late this time!

If you don’t want the money, give it to me! I think that’s a lot of money and I’d be grateful.

DaisyCottonClock · 13/01/2025 21:14

I would suggest that next year you text them to say "DH and I want to say thank you for the £250 you gave us. We'll be treating ourselves to a spa day"

Original poster
Icouldusetherapy · 14/01/2025 12:27

Thanks ladies, there is some solid advise there. Mainly letting my DH take the lead and pooling the money together for a family meal / day out is a nice idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icouldusetherapy · 14/01/2025 12:50

HappyMummaOfOne · 13/01/2025 18:57

I have a few questions :-

  • Do you buy or send anything to them?
  • Do you know if they send the same/similar to the other siblings?
  • If you don’t want the money and they aren’t well off why not message MIL and say something like “it was a lovely thought but DH and I have discussed and we think that going forward why don’t we just send birthday/xmas cards and stop with the gifts/money. Xx”
  • Is there a reason you think MIL is being passive aggressive with the money? Only you know if she is trying to send a message and if so what is it??
  • I don't get involved any more other than to send a card. My husband normally sends them some money. Used to get something for MIL but it was never appreciated, she made it clear she prefers money. FIL normally wants some specific tech, which is fine. So basically, we send each other money, which seems silly?
  • I don't know what they do with the other siblings or DIL and SIL.
  • My husband disagrees with telling them to stop gifts / money. But I'll try and bring it up again!
  • MIL is never direct in her communication, and this is the problem. It is always really confusing with mixed messages, strong wiffs of gaslighting I'd say. So I end up speculating about the meaning, which I don't like doing. I guess in this instance, I am asking for interpretation from wise mums on the underlying message as my head is spinning. Why would they give me more than their son, I just don't understand? Is she deliberately trying to hurt her son, because if my parents (no longer alive) did that, I would be a bit offended even though it is silly. It is not about the money, it is about the underlying message. Maybe it is just an attempt to start drama, which is why we've just ignored it so far. She's getting to me, so it is working! :(
OP posts:
ClickClickety · 14/01/2025 13:00

Just leave it be. Pool the money and send them a thank you. When you start stressing and looking for meaning give your head a wobble. Ignore the sisters being narky.

Gazelda · 14/01/2025 13:32

Is it possible the envelopes got mixed up? The £150 was intended for your DH?

Personally, I'd put it down to a quirky non-event and continue as before.

They're not a big part of your life, so don't let this incident become a big issue between you and DH. Or you and them.

Anoisagusaris · 14/01/2025 13:41

Perhaps your MIL is acknowledging that you do more of the donkey work in your relationship/at Christmas and wants to treat you?

ItGhoul · 14/01/2025 14:59

My grandmother used to do stuff like this - she used to give separate, different amounts of money to my mum and dad every Christmas. Usually two bundles of notes, clipped together and labelled for each parent, but in the same card. My parents just used to shrug, laugh and pool the money to share equally between them.

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