Confused about situation with my therapist

[TerracottaWorrier]

It's long, but it's got paragraphs 😉

I have online therapy twice a week for trauma. Being abused and neglected as a child. Domestic violence. Cheerful stuff. I've been talking to my therapist since the summer and it's been really good for me. I've begun to trust him more and more and show more of myself to him without feeling scared.

This year has seen a lot of upheaval for me but I'm days away from moving to the other side of the world for work. I've spent most of my adult life doing this but this is the first one I'll do alone, since I'm now divorced. My therapist knows this, of course.

We usually have our sessions on Monday and Friday. Last Thursday evening he messaged me and asked if we could move our Friday session to Saturday. I suggested we just wait until Monday instead (because honestly I feel a bit gross about being so needy that my poor therapist would work weekends).

Previously when we rescheduled (generally moving our session a couple of hours backwards or forwards) he would refund the booked session and set it back up as a new one, which I expected to happen this time, as usual. But Friday came and the session wasn't cancelled or refunded and I was still getting reminders through the app that it was scheduled. I ignored this but it felt a bit odd.

All through Saturday I expected a message giving me a time for Monday (today) but I didn't receive one, and all through yesterday I felt very anxious anticipating it since it was so late. At 7 pm yesterday I contacted him on WhatsApp asking what time our session was and although he read the message, he didn't reply.

Finally, at midnight last night I messaged him again and said I assumed Monday's session wasn't going ahead and asked that he refund me for Friday's session which he had cancelled. He replied immediately and apologised and said he was just about to set up his bookings for the week. It's worth bearing in mind that we're on different parts of the planet so it was earlier in the day for him than it was for me.

But by this point I was actually furious. And distressed. I have a lot of little and probably somewhat inconsequential things I need to do before I leave, like get new nails and my eyebrows sorted. These kinds of things need booking and I wasn't able to get them done Friday because he cancelled too late for me to know I'd have the day free, and I wasn't able to book anything for today because I didn't know what time our session was going to be or if it was even going ahead.

My therapist seemed quite surprised that I was as upset as I was, and originally I didn't want to continue with him as my therapist because I felt really very hurt that he was being so casual with my time and also leaving me on read on WhatsApp when I tried to clarify. In the process of our WhatsApp discussion last night, he sent me a message which had been written by chatgpt and which had evidently been done in this manner because he accidentally pasted chatgpt's intro when he sent it to me. I was pissy and told him maybe me and chatgpt could just figure it out between us. He's not a native English speaker although he is fluent in English, but he said he was using chatgpt to guarantee his grammar.

Eventually I agreed to have today's session as normal.

We spoke about all this a bit in our session today, but I feel in some ways worse for doing so. I've had a lot of relationships with men who lie to me or gaslight me, who neglect my needs, who minimise their actions or their effect on me, and my therapist has been the person who has helped me see this pattern. I tend to stay in relationships with these men because I'm scared of being alone or think I'm being too hasty in cutting them off. But I feel like I'm now in a similar dynamic with my therapist. I do think his actions were unreasonable and unprofessional.

I felt anguish when he told me the reason he'd acted this way was because his elderly mother had had a fall, but I also felt quite sick because I feel like I don't want to carry any of his emotional burden. Previously, I have worked through quite extreme anxiety before telling him about sexual abuse I experienced as a child and most of my anxiety about telling him was not wanting to burden another human with the knowledge. I managed to do that by somewhat dehumanising him, I suppose. I was hoping at some point to talk through with him that one time I got anally raped in 2023, but I need him to not have feelings in order for me to do this. Now I feel like he has feelings and they are something I'm meant to be able to give space to. And I just cannot. I don't want to. I do not burden my students with my private life ever ever ever, because I want to be a safe space for them. I feel like he's not a safe space for me now he's a guy whose mum falls over and who uses chatgpt to reply to me and who leaves me on read and who stole my final two free days in the UK by not being reliable.

But I'm scared of moving into this new stage of my life without his support. But I feel deeply uncomfortable with how similar this feels to every other time I've been let down by a man and accepted it because I was scared of being without them or because I felt bad for them.

Of all the weeks that my therapist could have done this, this is probably the hardest for it to happen in. I feel like I've compromised my values in order to ensure his ongoing support of me. I thought by paying all this money to someone neutral I wouldn't end up feeling hurt or exploited, but I do. Am I being too sensitive?

For extra context, he is a very experienced and very very qualified therapist. I'm lucky to have such a fancy therapist. He is usually lovely and totally supports me in being me, and I have felt much stronger and more sure of myself since we started working together. But fuck. He feels like just another guy who got my trust and then shit on me at the moment.

Can I have some perspective, please?

Wow that’s hard. If it’s any help, I’m flipping back and forth too.

But- I would wait to make any decisions. You have a hell of a lot on. There’s no need to commit either way now. So let it sit. Do all the other stuff and come back to this.

Obviously, sorry about everything you are dealing with.

I'm really proud of you for telling him how you feel and for feeling angry and knowing his behaviour was not ok.

I do not like his actions though and feel another therapist to continue on your journey would be a good idea.

I have to have an absolute trust in my therapist for it to be effective and this interaction would have broken that for me.

Have you looked into EMDR therapy. It is very beneficial for trauma and I found it worked a lot quicker and more effectively than CBT for me.

Therapists are people with lives and shit happens, so sometimes they will need to cancel/reschedule at short notice.

But they also know that their clients are vulnerable, so they absolutely should be careful how they communicate, especially around last minute changes, and they should never be minimising your feelings.

I think it’s time to seek another therapist, because you need to be able to trust them. Crappy timing with the move, but can’t be helped.

Gently, you are massively overreacting (which, I can only assume is fueled by your unresolved trauma). What I am reading is the therapist had a family emergency. He did his best to notify you of the change as soon as he was able to but, I expect, an elderly relative who suffered a bad fall requires arrangements put in place which naturally delay any other non-urgent activities like answering messages. Under normal circumstances, we expect people to have empathy and make allowances.
He didn't lie to you and he did not expect you to take on emotional load. He explained why he could not meet your needs immediately. You chose to extrapolate from this situation something that wasn't there. He didn't lie because he refunded you and rearranged your session as soon as he reasonable could. Granted, it was inconvenient for you but, again, these were extraordinary circumstances.
It is absolutely your choice to pick a different therapist but you made a very big deal out of a situation that did not necessitate it. I hope you will be able to realise it and continue your therapy elsewhere.

Associated overreaction. He had something going on that meant he wasn’t as responsive as you would have liked. If you don’t like that, then find another therapist but I think that would be a big mistake.

Hi OP. I think there is a lot going on for you- both in the past and right now, in the present.
It sounds like you have made good progress in your therapy. Regarding your past trauma, I'm truly sorry that you've had to endure that.

Your therapist didn’t act in an ideal way with regards to the messages you sent.
However, he is subject to the same situations that we all are- realistically, there isn't a therapist in the world that won't have something like this crop up from time to time.

It's worth remembering that, like it or not, we are all human, and like all humans, sometimes we fail- your therapist is one of these humans. You say that you've had to 'dehumanise' him in order to progress in therapy. That is probably worth unpicking some more- as it's kind of impossible unless you want to talk to a robot.

You're entitled to feel annoyed and upset, I think I would too in this situation, but perhaps it's a bit of an overreaction, compounded by the amount of stress you have on at the moment.
Maybe weigh up the pros and cons once the anger has died down a bit?

I hope your move goes well, and good luck with whatever you decide.

Yes, he did not behave perfectly. You knew the session was on Monday but he didn’t update the booking system until the last minute.

I would tell him:

1. this has damaged your relationship with him and you would like to repair that damage
2. the booking system being up to date is important to you: can he do this in future?
3. absolutely mention that you’re hesitant to disclose to him when he shows signs of being human: discussing this will make your therapeutic relationship stronger, its an important insight

Good luck with the move. Obviously if this behaviour from him becomes a pattern then that’s another story.

He is human, as much as you would like to disassociate, he is. He will have emergencies like we all do and will not always be available or able to fulfil commitments. I would continue with him and look at unpicking why it feels like other men who have let you down. He isn't a partner or family member, this is a professional relationship and his priority will rightly be with his family. I think getting through this may help you in future relationships to manage your expectations of others.

I disagree with most here. I think he should have fulfilled his duties to vulnerable clients. I also don't think it was professional to explain further than 'a family emergency'. The mention of his mother makes it sound like he was trying to make OP feel bad for being justifiably annoyed.

When he offered a Saturday appointment, presumably he'd have had to respond to OP if she accepted that appointment, so why not just book the Monday appointment (or explain that it might happen at short notice) at that time?

Confusion is always the first sign of a toxic person or relationship. This confusion would have been completely avoided if he had been thoroughly apologetic and taken full responsibility for not meeting OP's perfectly reasonable expectations of him as a therapist. Instead, he's used excuses and justifications. Why bother? It's actually easier to just take full accountability and apologise, than use ChatGPT and tell a client personal stuff!

OP, I'd find another - female - therapist. You know your pattern is to wait too long before ending relationships with men. He will surely see it as a step forwards that you are breaking that pattern.

If he is not a native English speaker and needs chatGPT help for messages how on earth he is a good therapist?

I entirely agree with this and this is coming from someone who has had a lot of therapy, some good, some not so good. I also think it is ok for him to have told you about his family emergency as it is important you knew it wasn’t personal.

I admit I’m someone who’s never had therapy, so I can’t comment on that dynamic exactly. But from the outside, this feels like an over reaction to me.

I think with any relationship in the world, we will feel some disappointment at some point along the line. Surely that’s guaranteed… unless you’re communicating with a robot, which would be unsatisfactory for different reasons! Everyone has frailties, it’s what makes us human. Given you think this guy is a great therapist (usually), I think you should take some time to get over this stressful period before making any decisions. His behaviour was less than professional and I’m sure he’d be mortified to know how much it affected you. I guess his own life got in the way for a moment and he let you down… I’m sure the time thing won’t happen again if you’ve discussed that with him.

I sometimes use chat gpt as a tool. Not to replace my voice but to check for typos or repetition etc. I’m sure it was the same with him. Unfortunate that you saw the evidence because it felt impersonal, but I’m sure it was done in good faith.

Wishing you well and all the best with your move!

Gently, I don’t think you are being rational about this (totally understandable after what you have been through)

Do you have a fixed time for your usual Friday/Monday sessions? If so in your shoes I’d assume we were meeting at X time on Monday as usual and planned my other tasks around that. If not he may have needed to put things in place for his mum before agreeing a time for Monday - it’s not ideal but therapists are humans with everything that goes with.

And while “family emergency” is an explanation sometimes you do need to give a bit more context as to why you’re not as predictable or reliable as usual. It might be important to explore why you need to dehumanise him to do the work you need to do. It may be another therapist (and I’d look for a woman) might be helpful to you if you’re struggling - someone with a psychodynamic background would be more blank slate if that’s your preference.

Honestly though it sounds like one of those things, his crisis coincided with a huge time of change for you but I don’t think he’s done anything that could have been avoided easily.

I think he told you the reason he had to cancel to reassure you that it was a genuine emergency and they were not messing around with your emotions/time etc.

Personally I think it is one of those unfortunate things and you are overreacting. Thry may have had to travel.to be with their parent, look after other family members, be at a hospital etc... You probably were not their top priority.

I think this incident will stay in your head now and reappear when/if your therapist irritates you in the future. Perhaps with your move you also look to a new therapist (you ca stic with yours until settled in)?

Often, dynamics that play out in relationships often end up playing out in the therapy room too. As it sounds as though you have the type of relationship with your therapist where you can be honest about your feelings (as you have been today) then I would see if you feel able to continue with him during this period that seems to have triggered a lot of your past stuff, because actually you would probably benefit greatly from it, even though it may feel extremely difficult and painful. The desire to run/stop therapy is often (in my experience) the time when you are about to make the most progress.

I can see both sides. You want the perfect therapist to open up to and be 100% on point for you.

But he’s a real person and cocked up the admin.

I think, as the customer, the ball is in your court.

Why don’t you take some time to cool off before you do anything hasty. Moving is stressful, which won’t be helping. Take some time to settle and then have a think about whether you can move on from his error.

I had a male therapist who tried to suggest my ex left because I wouldn't have sex enough... When I said actually it was him who had ED and me who felt rejected, he suggested I "take my anger out in the bedroom". This was after he moved sessions about and got very shirty about payment which wasn't even late because he had been on holiday in the Maldives and was the final straw for me. Reading your OP it really bought this back to me and your observations about being gaslit by men resonated as I also felt almost irrationally hurt by him, after being so open and trusting him. I'm not sure if it's helpful but I thought I'd share a similar story as it's really put me off having a male therapist again. It's hard enough trying to build the trust but not trusting your own gut about him gaslighting etc compounds a lot of the issues with trust and other men, IMO.

I agree with this.
Being human is part of dealing with other humans. Rightly or wrongly. You needing to dehumanise him says a lot about where you are in your therapy journey. Not far. I feel you have massively overreacted and I say this as someone who has been raped multiple times and experienced terrible things. I feel that you have been unfair. He has made a mistake certainly, and you should get a new therapist. I am not sure this relationship can work.

I’m sorry about the problems you have in your background, OP. Like others here have stated, I also think you are overreacting. Therapists are human and occasionally have emergencies which mean their usual level of service may be impacted.
So what you describe was absolutely a problem for you, but it was caused by a family emergency in his life. He was honest with you and paid you respect by explaining the true situation.
I second that you should discuss your need to dehumanise him, because this is an issue you do have to deal with. It’s not a very healthy way to deal with your lack of trust in men. Therapists aren’t superheroes, they are kind, professional, caring humans who also have lives.
I think it is good that you’re working with a male therapist, so you can see that there are men who are kind and good (usually) at communicating. think about what your best hopes are for the situation and work towards those.

I think you're overreacting too, I'm afraid. It sounds like the relationship with your therapist has become quite complicated and I wonder if it's still the right fit for you. I think it's important to understand the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship which also includes acknowledging that you are not the centre of your therapist's world other than in the 50 mins that you're talking to them. My therapist had to cancel my last session because of a close family member being in hospital. My only thought was to wish him/them well. It wasn't about me at all,

I agree, he should have kept the reason at a more general level and not so personal and he should not have used obvious ChatGPT in a message, that's really unprofessional.

Based on all the other things you’ve mentioned I'd also be looking for another (female) counsellor. It's quite normal for a therapeutic relationships to run its course or change and this sounds like it has come to an end for you at least.

Good luck OP, you've clearly had an incredibly difficult time and I hope the move works out well.

OP, my therapist messed up a year in, and it turned out to be a breakthrough for me

I was shocked, hurt and furious initially. She wholeheartedly apologised, took responsibility and it was really healing for someone who had harmed me (albeit not seriously) to take responsibility.

It actually helped me to see her as a flawed human, as we all are and I removed her from the pedestal I'd had her on.

It's been a further two years and I never think of it, my trust is reinstated and I continue to benefit from therapy with her.

Thank you, everyone. I'm open to being told I overreacted. I want to have overreacted. But I feel scared that I always think I overreacted and then leave myself open to abuse.

I have specifically come on here to hear Mumsnet's opinion because I trust the collective evaluation of a relationship as abusive/not abusive. I don't really trust my own any more. So I don't mind hearing from those of you who think I've made a big deal out of something small.

He was very nice today. He said he wanted to talk about why I felt so upset rather than what it was specifically that upset me, but that he also wanted me to be free to say anything to him about his behaviour that I felt I needed to say. I didn't feel good about it though. I felt very alone.

I did try two female therapists before him and I didn't like them. I like him a lot. I don't know if dehumanise is the right word. I've had to build myself into having faith that he won't flinch at what I tell him. That he is strong enough to absorb what I tell him. But I do worry about him. I worry about him working weekends. I worry about the patch of psoriasis on his head. I worry that his job is too sad and awful and he might quit. And now, I feel awful that his mum fell over in the street and they had to make emergency travel plans.

I felt relatively chill about him cancelling the appointment until it became clear that I wasn't going to know when my next one was until the day it was supposed to happen.

I feel so vulnerable having therapy. I want to be a good patient and work hard to get better and recognise how I'm fucking up my own life. And I know this relies on me reflecting on the dynamics I find myself in. But I feel really scared that I need to trust him when trusting people has been my downfall. Before I started talking to him I didn't even understand how abusive my relationship with my dad was. He has empowered me so much with this. I don't want to break up with him, but I never want to break up with people.

Urrrggg.

Thank you, really, everyone. Mumsnet taught me my marriage was abusive. I respect the wisdom and high standards of the women on here so much.

For the poster who suggested EMDR, we do a mix of that and psychoanalysis. And for the poster who suggested that a non native speaker cannot be a good therapist, he writes books in English. His English is awesome. I wish he hadn't used chatgpt but I know he thinks it's a tool because he's pushed me to use it before when I have been resistant.

Honestly I think the worst thing about therapy is understanding how unwell I am. 😭

Sorry that this is rambling.

It's hard when you realise they're not perfect. But ultimately its for the best. Therapy is a relationship and you won't progress by dehumanising him. It isn't healthy and honestly you'll gain no more from it than you would talking to your dog.

The idea is to form a trusting relationship with this one person and be able to talk about it with them. Its not about just getting the words out.

I can zone right out, tell my therapist about being raped, not look at him and feel nothing. That doesn't help me heal though. That isn't therapy, it's just talking at someone.

Being able to tell him only bits of it, alluding to others if necessary and engaging with him emotionally during it was a more healing experience. His very human reaction was a big part of that. It takes longer to get to that point but it is worth the effort.

I think the session thing is a bit overblown. You knew Friday wasn't happening as he told you by text. The automated reminders, you should have just ignored. I also wouldn't have expected a reply as if he was unavailable for session then he was unlikely to be reachable.

Chatgpt, yeah that's a bit not good but if English is his second language I can see why he would.

You're kind of projecting on him a bit, I think. Other men have gaslighted and treated you badly and you're trying to replay that dynamic in therapy. It's really common, I do it myself occasionally in a slightly different way.

It's good that you talked about it, he needs to know what is happening between you and recognise it when it happens.