To want DP to stop smoking now that LO has arrived??

[bovrilsarnies]

He cut down to "social smoker" whilst I was PG - and always said that until the baby arrived there was no need for him to change any of his habits. But now we habe a 10 week old - he is still an occasional smoker and it is doing my head in!! (Mostly because i have been a 20 a day smoker for the best part of 15 years - but "gave up" when I found out I was pregnant. It was a real struggle for me to stop - but I knew I had to coz I was PG and every time I see him smoking it makes me jealous that I can't have one). Every time he has a fag it reminds me that I can not as we have the LO to look after and I don't want toxic fag fumes breathed all over her!
Am I Being Unreasonable?

I may be remembering wrong but isn't one of the markers for cot death a parent who smokes even if it's not at home?

Also, does he want his DC to smell it on his breath every time he picks him up?

No, I don't think you are, does he smoke aroumnd her? My xp didn't give up, but didn't smoke in the house. I would be upset that he wasn't being more supportive. Well done for being strong enough not to smoke yourself- I know how hard it is at times.

make sure he smokes outside and has some mints after and washes his hands. Get him to change his shirt too as fumes will be on it which the baby can smell. All this may bug him that much that he'll not bother going for a fag. I wouldnt let anyone who smoked touch my baby for 30 mins after they had a fag as it stays on there breath for that long. I also gave up smoking but now have a couple on a night when lo's in bed (outside i might add). xx

Don't give up hope. My DP finally gave up smoking last year, 2 years after S was born. he had cut down and cut down, and only smoked outside of course, but claimed he loved smoking and couldn't give it up completely. I know not to try to force my DP as he digs his heels in. So I took a step back, but would just remind him of the stats occasionally and say "you know I would still really like you to give up, I hope you will". In the end he decided to. remember that having a baby is very stressful and in some ways not the easiest time to stop smoking (well done to you though for giving up when you were pg).

You could also set some very strict rules eg he can only smoke away from the house or outside after she is in bed, because you don't want any fag breath on her as it is unsafe. Just say it calmly as if it's a normal, sensible safety measure. Let it sink in and he may well stop eventually.

I types DS of course not just S (damn keyboard)

YANBU to want him to, but YABU if you nag him about it.

A person must want to quit, and be extremely committed to it.

He's obviously not and until he is, well, you knew he was a smoker when you started seeing him and conceived a child with him.

My DH is a smoker.

I so wish he'd stop, as we have two beautiful little girls and he has SUCH a strong family history of Type II diabetes, but you know, it's not my decision.

YANBU. I can't believe he still smokes with a baby!

Does he smoke in the home / or around her when outside? Or does he smoke socially when out with his friends in the eve?

bovril - YANBU to want him to stop. I want my Dp to stop. He has seriously cut down but I think it's horrid that the first thing he wants to do when he gets in is give her a cuddle (bearing in mind she hasn't long woke up) with stinky fag breath. I NOW make him go brush his teeth and change his clothes before he handles her.

Both sets of grandparents smoke aswell which is just as bad but I don't know how to make them clean hands, teeth, clothes etc as I don't have as much influence over them so I guess I have to put up with it. I'm just glad DP hasn't used that as his argument yet.

Hi Bov, I just reread your op. I think that maybe it is a problem (a bit) that when he has a fag it is leaving you gasping! I gave up two years ago with zyban, before that was 30 a day marlboro. Also was with a boyfriend who smoked. I would say the best way of keeping off the fags is avoiding smoking situations/ and telling him not to light up in front of you. It is difficult if you were in a smoking together relationship before. But really being off the fags is so fab. So don't weaken and ask him nicely to spark up out of your sight! x

DD, now 3, has started saying to DH (quite unprompted by me, I might add) 'Daddy, you STINK!' when he comes near her after a fag. She is also quite vocal about him not being there for her at various times because he is out the back having a smoke. She is the apple of his eye and I think this has really made him take notice, as anything I say on the subject he tends to disregard.

However, I've never nagged him as, like Expat, I believe he will only give up when he wants to and me going on about it would only make him stick his heels in.

But he has now said that he will give up once he's down to his target weight (half a stone to go..) so perhaps DD might succeed where Allen Carr and others have failed...

OP, YANBU to want him to stop.

OP- YANBU not at all. I used to smoke, I really regret it.Seeing people smoking around babies and small children gives me the heeebegeebies.
I would make the rules that others have sugested, it may work. My dad has had DVT, has type II diabetes, lots of friend die from cancer and he has only just given up smoking - so you may be in for a long struggle.
Parents smoking is a big factor in children starting smoking- it's a smell that gets associated with adults.
good luck

Thanks everyone for your thoughts!!

Shitemum - yeah, I think you are right. I'm sure I have read that smoking parents can increase the risk of SIDS by up to 7 times

LuXander - no he doesn't smoke around her - and he always smokes outside the house (we have never really smoked indoors unless it was the middle of winter - and even then it would be in the kitchen with the door shut to stop the whole house smelling if cigs)

pinkyp - we have been over a friends house this arvo for a BBQ and after having a fag he came in to pick up the LO - so I told him he couldn't for a half hour - but I have just read on the net that it takes an hour for the chemicals to clear from your breath! which is even worse than I thought.

snowleopard & expatinscotland- In the past DP has just decided out of the blue from time to time to just stop smoking for a while - one time he stopped for a massive 8 years!! but then started again on a whim. I will try to follow your advice and just mention the stats calmly - with no nagging - and just hope that I can get the message to sink in enough for HIM to want to stop as if it were his idea!!

I think part of my prob is that I am worried I will start smoking again - I have been tempted in these last few weeks! and I know if DP did not smoke it would help me a lot!

LuckySalem - I know what you mean with the GP's - My mum and my older sister are both smokers and I don't like taking LO to either of their houses in case they decide to spark up - who am I to tell them not to smoke in their own homes!! So generally I arrange for them to come to me to avoid the situation altogether!

Chukkypig - you are totslly right! i don't wanna start smoking again - but I do still really miss it!!

Lovecat - My DP has a daughter from a previous relationship and he hides the fact that he smokes from her because she too hates it and is V vocal with "you stink" comments in a "why do you smell like cigarettes daddy?") kinda way. She's not stupid tho - she's 12 now - so she knows whats going on! by the way it was Allen Carr's book that I used to stop smoking!! I was surprised that it worked!

Pinkyminky - thanks for the goodluck vibes!

Allen Carr is excellent. Really makes you understand how stupid the whole thing is. But it was Zyban in the end which stopped me - it's amazing stuff. Bovril you need to whip out your Allen ASAP and remember how much better you feel and how proud to not be smoking etc. Also tell partner to get away from you when he smokes, it is so difficult not to join in. You are being very good.. Whip the Allen out and think noooo I am a slave to the nicotine I will not succumb etc etc x

Bovril - We have a rule with the GP's they can't smoke in the house when DD is there and MY parents won't smoke in the house for an hour before she's due there and opens all the windows to air the place out.
The problem is that although they'll go outseide for a fag they'll still stink when they come back in. Shame really.

YOU ARE ENTITLED TO ASK THEM NOT TO SMOKE AROUND YOUR DC

The wife of a work collegue of my dh's was a social smoker, never smoked when pg and never around her dcs. She was a maximum 5-10 a day smoker. She died of lung cancer at 39 leaving her dh and 3 dcs aged 6, 8 and 10. The saddest thing I have ever seen is her dcs at her graveside
I too was a very occasional smoker..this was the push I needed to give up completely.
But I agree with expat, unless he really wants to give up and has the motivation to do so he won't.

I love Allen Carr The thought of smoking now makes me feel physically sick!

I don't think YABU to ask him not to smoke around your baby - increased risk of SIDS as well as all sorts of other nasties.

If it helps, my dad (a doctor! ) didn't give up until I was around four (by which time he had three LOs). I HATED it and used to nag him - so your DD may be able to help!