To ask if anyone else is more reserved with their parents?

[Wedoitinthedarkwithsmilesonourfaces]

I know this is really strange to say, I just don't know how to talk about it with anyone in real life.
However ive noticed that I am a bit more reserved or quiet than I am with my boyfriend or friends. I don't know why, and I feel a bit embarrassed by it. An ex of mine actually picked up on it.
I still chat to them and get on well, and see them every week. I talk to them about problems, but there's just something in me that holds back.
My Dad is quite shy and reserved which may explain things somewhat. I even sometimes struggle to call them Mum and Dad, like I would to get their attention but I'm not really the type to say hi Mum, bye Mum etc.

I would love to not have this issue. I'm neurological that I'm aware of, I think part of it is anxiety and worrying about being 'too much" in front of them or embarrassing myself. I'm in my mid 30s now but some of it likely comes from childhood and being told off.
My parents are very supportive but at times my Dad can be bad tempered, usually when driving. My Mum can be quite lethargic and sometimes if I say something she'll just nod and look blankly, which puts me off disclosing too much.

Has anyone else ever had this? I just want to change things.

I am reserved with my parents, but that's because they didn't treat me super well as a child. Everything is pretty neutral now I'm an adult, beyond the odd jab from them at me, but we're alright. The fact I wasn't treated well as a kid is a massive elephant in the room.

Was also a big shock to me to see how close partner is (and ex partners were) with parents.

I can't really think of examples, but I couldn't see myself telling them a long funny story or something like that, especially not to my Dad.
My Dad and I have a relationship where we talk more about practicalities, I can a bit more with my Mum though.

I'm sorry to hear how you were treated as a child. Yes I've also had the same shock seeing other people with their families, talking to each other like best friends almost.

Probably the way they brought you up is still with you, I dont think we ever lose some of those childlike feelings buried within us.

I know I always got extremely embarrassed if a sex scene was shown on a film when my mum was watching TV with us....I would just sit silently and breathe a sigh of relief when it was over.

Probably because I was brought up in an all female household, and my mum never talked about sex.

Watching sex scenes bother me not a jot with anyone else.

My husband is like this, but it’s because he doesn’t really enjoy talking to them. It’s kind of practical small talk.

It’s a strange thought but I suppose if they weren’t his parents; they probably wouldn’t be friends; they don’t have much in common.

He found seeing them less helped, as they had more to talk about when they did; and he found it less painful. They went down slowly from once a week meetings to a phone call and a visit a month, which he found easier.

Oh darling—you have been powerfully affected by their anger, coldness, and lethargy when you were young and impressionable. Try first understanding that this is not a flaw in you but a learned behavior—a safety behavior—that you adopted at a very young age. You were not welcomed in all a child’s wonderful messiness and neediness and you learned to ratchet your enthusiasm and your “demands” for attention back to something safe, discreet, minimal.

Be gentle with yourself snd don’t judge yourself. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about it either! There are some good books: The emotionally immature parent is one. The emotionally absent mother is another.

Just take some time with this. You can heal from it.

Yeah sadly it's probably that. Like because I know my Dad can have a bad temper, I feel like i don't want to bother him almost. I saw a friend run over to show her Dad a funny video on her phone, 'Dad, look at this!' And I couldn't imagine doing that in a million years.
It's quite a bit different with my Mum, we can talk about more and it's more informal, but sometimes she'll interrupt, like I'll be talking about something and she'll just go "Have you dyed your hair?"

Yeah definitely had the same experience with sex scenes on TV, very awkward.

An early memory is my Dad driving us to a family friend's holiday home where I'd stayed once the previous year. I was around 12 and couldn't remember the directions. He was shouting and going nuts at me, but shouldn't have been relying on a child to direct him there.

I feel bad saying this because they've been great parents, generous and supportive. I just feel embarrassed when I compare myself with others and their relationship with their parents.

Wedoitinthedarkwithsmilesonourfaces, Older people can easily get distracted, my mum did as she aged, I am probably going the same way.😀

If your dad was sharp with you when you were a child, you are simply acting now as you did then, you are doing nothing wrong....he was the one at fault, the clock can't be put back, sadly.

I recognise this. I’ve given this thought as well. I see then a fair amount, we chat about our days, but they don’t know me in depth and I don’t know them in depth. It’s practical, small talk only.

I think generational trauma is probably at play for me. My mum was middle class, but bought up by two cold, authoritarian parents who showed her no affection. She is an anxious person and I think is probably neurodiverse so struggled to fit in with ‘normal’. My dad was bought up in poverty, had nothing and was regularly beaten. Both are mid 70s now.

My childhood was okay. We were provided for. No physical violence, always warm, always fed etc. But I don’t think my parents had the emotional skills to deal with children. Our emotional welfare was completely neglected because they just couldn’t cope. To be fair, I think it was probably just too painful for both of them.

Im trying to do better for my kids. We have so much more information now about the importance of attachment. I really hold no grudge against my parents, they are a product of generations of abuse really.

Generally, I think parents are far more relaxed with their kids now. I was far more relaxed with my son than my mum was with me.

When I first saw my DH interact with his parents I was quite surprised, my family is very touchy freely we hugged even as adults when I would go visit we would have a hug on arrival and when leaving. My parents were warm loving people to everyone neighbours, friends and absolutely adored our kids and were very affectionate towards them.
My in-laws on the other hand were quite cold people I thought it was me at first but no that was how they were with their own adult children, friends etc. They did very much care for their grandchildren but it was more practical tasks they did together. My kids loved both sets of grandparents just the same.
My DH said his upbringing was great, all his needs were met and most of his wants as well, SAHM family holidays they supported him through University. They gave us a lovely thoughtful wedding present.
My DH just modelled their behaviour back to them and everyone was happy with that his sibling is exactly the same. My DH is extremely loving and friendly to others so it hasn’t affected him that way

My DM was the best I could have ever wished for. She told me she loved me all the time, but I can’t ever remember telling her that I loved her, even though I adored her and knew how she had struggled to raise me.
In my case it was due to my own personality, probably.

On the flip side to this, as a child I was always privy to far more information about my mums emotional state than I should have been, I was nervous when she was sad because she probably wouldn’t be very nice to me, I saw her crying over various boyfriends and the moods because she wasn’t being chosen by them, the irritation at how her children impacted on her freedom and achievements, etc. Boundaries always very blurred between where she ended and we began. Her and my dad always airing their gripes about each other to us children.

We have a very informal relationship now, she isn’t a reliable person in my life, she causes me more stress than joy, I’m on the middle of my first cycle of IVF and she doesn’t even know. She’d somehow make it about her, or chose to tell her FB friends list about it. Sometimes I won’t have heard from her in weeks and I’ll see on FB that she’s saved a picture I’ve posted of me on my IG and shared it to her friends saying “My Beautiful Daughter” - she loves to tell them about my achievements, like they’re because of her, but everyone close to me knows my achievements are despite her. I think she only maintains a thin veneer of connection to us now for the bragging rights when her life is a bit dry on drama or highlights.

Its this, when you are a child and you are yourself and you get punished you don’t think oh they are Morons these two parents you think if better toe the line as I rely on these two , so you act how they want you to act, make yourself smaller or whatever it takes. You think it’s you who are the problem as thinking it’s them is dangerous you are so dependent on them. As others have said, they are two random people you don’t have to like them. All you have tying you is the fact they had sex. If you have poor parents then fat better to establish relationships with others which it seems you have done.