Earning more doing more?

[ThisSunnyTraybake]

I’ll try to be succinct.

I've always earned more than husband, he’s only ever briefly worked full time whereas I’ve always worked full time. He’s been chasing his dreams whilst working part time work and I’ve supported it for the best part of a decade. It’s always been a niggling point but he does his fair share around the house and is a great guy. Since baby has come along I’ve dropped a day to do childcare, he still works part time as before but with no childcare responsibilities as his part time hours start before I leave for work and finish after I’m done leaving me with baby, think split shift vibe. I just feel I’m doing the majority of the childcare and work whilst also paying for 70% of monthly things whilst covering holidays, Christmas, birthdays gifts etc too. I also paid for my mat leave out of my own savings as I was only due stat and he couldn’t make up any extra.

I just feel I have a child and don’t need another. I could live with him earning less if he was out FT working or covering childcare one of the days but as mentioned his working hours don’t allow for this. He always promises to do better and change but it never happens.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to have FT steady income or even switch/condense hours so he earns the same but can help with childcare?

‘Having it all’ is a lie. It just means ‘doing it all’

Would you have less to do if he wasn’t there? Because that’s the way this reads - now you have a child have you run out of time for the other child in your life?

Absolutely. I have learned this very quickly!

I’d have more housework and some dinners to do but then I’d have more time as I’d have less childcare. Can you ever lessen the mental load?

Sorry, looks like you picked a bit of a crappy one doesn’t it.

You need to sit him down and tell him that now circumstances have changed the distribution of labour needs to change as well. Work out what you want him to do first though as otherwise it will all be very vague promises about “doing better/more”. Tell him you are not willing to continue with things the way they are, it doesn’t need to be confrontational just clear and preferably with timescales attached. DH and I regularly “renegotiated” how our lives worked, generally after a new baby (we had 3) or a new job.

Children change things and put demands on time and money. I think it's fair to revisit the situation.

I honestly don't know about pursuing dreams. You did accept it and that it was part of who he was some time ago and you don't want to trample on his vision for his life but sometimes we have to rethink the reality of our dreams coming to fruition and how selfish we can be pursuing them, especially when we have family. He might not have to give up whatever it is completely but could he maybe put it on the back burner for a few years?

Thanks both. Some difficult conversations ahead and equally standing my ground with firm boundaries and time lines so there can be no uncertainty. Appreciate it.