To think this is desperately unfair

[dynabook]

I'm sat here in tears hoping someone can offer me some comfort or words of wisdom.

Backstory: I was diagnosed with mesothelioma at 23. Very very young for the diagnosis. After extensive surgeries, chemo (lots of) a coma, and due to all of this now 2 chronic heart conditions. I am just about alive. My incredible oncology team always said there's a chance I could go into menopause early so IVF to get some embryos was my best bet, as egg harvesting doesn't have the most favourable results. So that's what we did. And by sheer luck and amazing doctors, we succeeded with 6 frozen embryos. We did a FET and now have my beautiful 4 year old daughter. By us I mean myself and DH.

Over the last 2 years I've had 3 natural pregnancies, all ending in miscarriage before 7 weeks. We thought we'd give it a go naturally while we were saving up for FET number 2.

Over the last 6 months, my periods have been all over the shop. Ranging from 23 day cycles to 45 days +. I put this down to stress and didn't think much of it, after all my body has been put through.

I am currently on cycle day 52. Numerous pregnancy tests, all negative. I was in the chemist today getting my script and I saw at home menopause tests. Similar to pregnancy tests. I bought the packet of 2 tests. I've been having trouble sleeping, I've been so hormonal and my moods up and down. I did the test this evening and it's positive. 2 stark lines on the menopause tests. I looked at the instructions and it states they're 99.8% accurate.

I am devastated. My gut is telling me I'm in peri. If I am in peri it's a race against time for the FET, and that's even if it's not too late.

DD is my whole world and more. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have. At this point I'm grateful to be alive. She is everything I could've wanted and dreamed of. We always dreamed of 2 children. I knew this day would come, but not when I've just turned 30.

I'm booking a doctors appointment tomorrow for bloods. Does this mean, if I am peri, that IVF is out the window? Is there anything we can do to slow it down? Or stop it? I know nothing about the menopause but to have my fertility ripped away from me, and to go through it all at 30 really frightens me. I see the horror stories all the time on here and I just feel like my body is failing me, all the time.

Re my cancer - I will always have it, and it will ultimately come back one day. It could be 5 years or 55 years. I could die with it, not because of it. I have twice yearly MRI scans and everything has been stable since 2018. Thank goodness.

I didn't know where else to put this thread. I don't even know what I'm asking. I could really do with some support. Thank you for sticking if you've got this far, I really appreciate it x

I have no expertise to offer and I don’t think it’s helpful to tell anecdotal “a friend had this and it all ended up fine” stuff, but I wanted you to know your post was heard and that you’re right: it’s desperately unfair. You’ve been dealt a really shitty hand.

You’re allowed to mourn the life you wanted and might not get; you’re allowed to want more than one child and it’s not ungrateful to have hopes and dreams and plans. I’m really sorry, it’s unfair and unlucky and it’s also a LOT. I hope you have support and can access therapy.

I really am sorry for you. It is very unfair.
A close friend of mine could have written this, she went through the menopause aged 29 and her son was 3 at the time. She found her lose of fertility very difficult to come to terms with. 3 years later and with counselling and support, she has now adopted a little girl and is able to cope with the fertility loss.

So sorry op. Hope that all goes the best way it can for you and your family moving forward.
Count your blessings as best you can.

I have no advice, OP, because I'm not remotely medical and I don't know much about it all. But I just wanted to send you love and hugs. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and what you've been through. As a pp said, you're absolutely allowed to mourn and you don't sound remotely ungrateful.

Sending 💐 to you, lovely. I wish you all the very best.

I’d ignore that test for starters.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-61340988.amp

Wait until you speak to a doctor and have more accurate testing.

My menopause doctor said those tests are bollocks and there is no test that you can use to test for menopause, but you can test for fertility. Please see a specialist before you get too upset.

There are cases of ivf pregnancy during or after menopause - your womb is still there, it just needs to work.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pregnancyoverrage50

Talk to your doctor and don't panic

You can still do FET after menopause you don't need to ovulate to implant an embryo, the clinic gives you hormones. Hope this helps. Not sure how those menopause test work but if they are detecting elevated FSH they should be done on day 1-3 of your cycle so it may well be a false positive given you were in day 50. Early menopause here and lots of IVF.

Menopause does not mean that you cannot have IVF. The chance of success using the FET will be related to your age at the time you underwent the egg retrieval cycle. Your chances of becoming pregnant again, given than you have frozen embryos and have become pregnant via IVF previously, are reasonable.

I agree that it is very likely that you are going through premature menopause, given your history but it is impossible to know this for sure straight away. Arrange an appointment with your GP to see what your FSH is, and then it will need to be repeated in a few months time. You are likely to need long term hormones, either COCP or HRT, to protect your bones.

The Daisy Network are an extremely helpful charity.

Hey OP, hopefully you feel a bit more positive with the PP here from women who are way more knowledgeable than me.

You’ve been through so much and I completely understand why you’d feel at the end of your tether.

The only thing I’d say, very gently, is that things don’t always work out as you expect and IVF can be a real bastard. You have a beautiful DD and setting your mind so resolutely on absolutely having two DC might bring heartache. Have you had any counselling over the years to discuss what you’ve been through? I just wonder if that might be helpful for you. I’m just thinking of how you might cope if further IVF doesn’t go as hoped. I think it’s totally normal to be very sad if IVF for a second baby doesn’t work but you sound as if you’d be utterly crushed - and I just wonder if that’s related to everything you’ve been through 💐

Thank you everyone, so much for your kind words. I just feel devastated. I'm probably catastrophising here. But every time someone has said 'you may have this' or 'you may have that' it's always been true. To answer a few questions: I don't think I'd feel as devastated if we tried for IVF and it didn't work for one reason or another. I could be very naive here and it either way would undoubtedly cause heart ache. But at least I got to give it a try. This the thought of the chance of even me trying being taken from me. The miscarriages made me want it more really.
I have had some therapy some years back. But nothing to do with infertility. It was due to me being very anxious after waking up from a coma (one of the surgeries went a bit tits up. Well it didn't, but my head did and I had an arrest in theatre.) it's something I'm going to look into.

Can a GP organise for bloods for a 30 year old woman to check for menopause. I could pay for it privately as we have the FET round two savings pot. So that might be something I could do. I'm going to book an appointment tomorrow with my GP.

Again, thank you for all your kind words and wisdom. I just feel so sad. It's uplifting to read that you can have an FET in peri / meno though. I've never looked into it as I naively thought that would never be me. I just feel like with the symptoms, irregular (used to be bang on) periods, mood swings, lack of sleep, and 3 miscarriages as well as a positive meno home test with the possibility of meno due to cancer, it's all too much of a coincidence to be not true.

Because I've had so much medical trauma it's easier in a way to expect the worst. Then good news is a bonus.

I’m so sorry, it really isn’t fair. If you have frozen embryos, you can take drugs that will help you to carry them. It’s getting the eggs that’s the hard thing when you’re in peri - I went through early menopause and was told IVF would be unlikely to be successful but getting pregnant with donor eggs would be more viable.

Absolutely a GP can arrange it (although they are unlikely to be able to do an AMH). Explain clearly that you have had lots of chemo for cancer and that your periods have become irregular and you have menopausal symptoms. I would be very surprised if you don't get an FBC, FSH, LH and possibly thyroid tests. They may ask you to delay the blood test until your next period as it is more accurate day 2 - day 5. Nobody will be able to confirm the diagnosis until a test is repeated at least 3 months later.

No it's fine you can use your frosties

Menopause makes no difference as you've already frozen your embies . You'll be able to do medicated FET

Home menopause tests are shit.
Yes provided you’re not on hormones then gp can check your hormones.
IVF can be done during menopause, it’s the embryos that are important.

You’ve had such a horrendous time, please be gentle to yourself x

I’m not medical at all OP, but the fact that you got pregnant three times surely points to you not being in peri/meno.

I got pregnant on 4th ivf and 5th with my frostie and everyone is absolutely right, peri or meno won’t be an issue as you have your Frosties already.

No one deserves to go through your hell and I wlll say a little prayer tonight that everything turns out exactly as you hope for. ♥️

Hi @dynabook - I had a very early menopause (I was in my twenties) and therefore knew if I ever wanted children, it would have to be donor egg IVF. I met DH in my late thirties, and I'm now 45 with a 5-year old and a 1-year old. So I'm living proof that you can be post-menopausal and still have children by IVF, as long as you have embryos to use and you're not trying to harvest your own eggs.

I actually don't think you're in peri as you've been able to get pregnant, but even if you are, it won't affect your FET.

Feel free to PM me if you have questions

A FET can be done even in a post menopausal woman

Yes, your gp can but you can still have FET so get on with that - stick it on a credit card if you have to

If you start a go fund me I will kick in a tenner, you've had horrendous luck, I'm so sorry

Nothing productive to add except to agree with you, it's absolutely brutally unfair in every way and you have every right to feel sad and angry and all the things. I sincerely wish you the best with everything and hope for once it's not the bad news you're expecting 🙏

Wow, that's incredible. Thank you so so much for sharing your story it's brought me so much comfort and hope. It's incredible what IVF can achieve and I'm so glad you got your 2 wonderful children.

My last miscarriage was in September. I've done an E-consult with the GP so hoping I hear back for bloods. If I don't, I'll use some of the money in the FET savings pot to go and get some bloods done privately. It's such a minefield isn't it!

Thank you everyone who has offered well wishes, support and advice. Or just said nice things. I really appreciate it. I've got a bit of a clearer head this morning and ready to tackle this head on if necessary.

I have my MRI coming up in the next 8 weeks, so will wait for that to be done and dusted then crack on with FET2. Gives us another 8-10 weeks of savings anyway which will more than get us over the line!

One can absolutely have a successful pregnancy after early menopause using either donor eggs or a previously frozen embryo. You inject hormones that thicken the womb lining in order to give the embryo the most welcoming 'landing zone', as it were. And away you go. There is still the same element of success or failure that anyone faces who undergoes IVF of course. But it is very possible.

Best of luck. Don't despair after everything you have overcome, amazing woman!

OP, you are such a strong person 💪 My friend was firmly in peri but successfully had her second IVF baby 11 years after her first and after many rounds so it is possible. She had pretty much given up on seeing a positive line and then it happened with her last round! So, it is possible.
I hope you get your positive test soon and wish you positive future health too.