Son hitting

[Mumhelp2]

My son turned 4 last month. For the last few weeks he is slapping, kicking, punching etc when he is angry. This is when he is told no and not getting his own way. His speech is poor (has attended speech therapy) so it he can’t communicate what he’s thinking at the time. Any tips on how to manage this? I usually give him a NO and tell him DO NOT HIT, and put him in time out to calm out. Is this the best approach and should I trust he will stop soon? It’s worrying me and I am tired of nursery telling me every day of another child he has slapped. He needs to learn that this behaviour is not ok and I worry I’m not managing it correctly. 😩

If he's hurting other kids he needs to be kept away from other kids. I'm sorry but that behaviour is completely unacceptable. You need to get him some help.

Tricky. Hopefully a phase. Maybe a psychologist could help him to manage it better. Can nursery suggest something? Health visitor? Children’s Centre?

I don't think people realise how hard it is to discipline a child with language development issues. You can read all the articles and books but they all say "get down to their level and explain". Not easy to do if an explanation won't be understood and I suspect the frustration of not being understood themselves leads to poor behaviour.

You have my sympathy. I'm sure someone will have some good advice.

You sound like you are trying really hard. That's all we can do, try hard and try different things. Your son is not a bad kid, he is just struggling with his emotions and this will pass.

So exhausting.

I'm really not a fan of time out. I can see how it is helpful and might work for some. This is so exhausting and takes so much time you might not have. It's true that trying to understand exactly why they're doing it is everything. But you can't easily if his speech is difficult.

If you are there then the only answer is to remove him from the situation without sticking him on a step. The hard truth is that it requires actually getting up and leaving. Do it again and we will leave I would say. And then pick him up and leave. And that's hard because you don't want to keep leaving places. But if they're hitting out, they're not having a great time and it's best going.

At home, if he's hitting family then I agree remove him from it/ person he's hit without puting him on a step. If he's hitting you, that's tough. I had that. I'd get quite angry at times over it. Best thing is to remove yourself safely. But be near.

Nursery - that's difficult. You can't do anything other than find out what's going on. Find out when it's happening. Any patterns for example. Try not worry what people think and being seen to be ' dealing with it effectively '. I know it's difficult. Got the t shirt .

Ridiculously unhelpful.

Tell that to the kids he's slapping.

They'll get over it.

Op is trying to get help. Hence the post.

A lot of kids at nursery acting like toddlers, having all kind of toddler problems shocker! 😂 The nursery should be set up to help handle it.

Good grief, so a child should be permitted to slap, kick and punch other children and they should “get over it”? Have a word with yourself for goodness sake. The OP hasn’t said her child is displaying this behaviour with other children, why do posters assume things on here 🙄

@Mumhelp2 it sounds like your son is frustrated and unable to verbalise what he wants/needs. Could you get emotion cards then he can show you how he feels? Would that work?

Edited to add I misread the OP and the child is hitting others at nursery, therefore I apologise for not reading properly. The nursery should be stepping in before the slapping/punching happens if they know the child is going to do this. It’s not nice when your child is being hurt every day.

Thank you to the few of you for your help! This post confirms that I won’t be using mumsnet again. My son does hit other children at nursery (only very recently and he has been attending since he was one), hence my post. And I want to fix the problem. There have been times that he has also been hit and even bitten. Children do things they shouldn’t unless they learn differently - that’s what I’m trying to do. @bradfordisdamned thanks for your unhelpful input.

Hi OP
I feel for you because my son (now a delightful 17 Yr old) was exactly the same at nursery. I was always taken aside at the end of the session, mums whispering, son excluded from play dates. It broke my heart and made me a nervous wreck when we were at play centres or parks etc. He didn't understand when he was told off. I watched him like a hawk in public and followed him around soft play while other mums sat with their coffees chatting.he also had speech difficulties and is slower with processing but is a wonderful young man and his issues gradually got less and less as he grew and matured. I chose social situations very carefully.

Try and ignore unhelpful comments, people can be awful

I sympathise OP. Nursery is where they are learning to socialise and understand what is acceptable behaviour towards his peers. At 4 they would expect him to show some understanding even if his speech is delayed. I would suggest asking for a meeting with his keyworker and asking what strategies they are using so you can all be consistently be doing the same.
Maybe he needs to be shown what is acceptable behaviour when he is cross. Try and see what the triggers are and suggest what he could do instead of hitting out. Stamp his feet for example, go to a calm area to play with some fidget toys, some children like their favourite cuddly toy to squeeze the life out of! Anything that he can do instead. He will need constant reminders until it becomes a habit. Are you concerned about anything else in his development? Nursery should have referred him to Speech & Language by now, have they told you they've done that?
Don't forget to name different feelings all the time, in books etc which helps them understand.
Another idea is the traffic light system, green is good behaviour, amber is a warning and red results in whatever you had warned would happen at the amber stage! Eg, going home from the park or something. It needs to be an instant consequence.
I feel nursery aren't 'on it' as they should be from what you've said.

@Mumhelp2 when you sift through the pearl clutchers and the moronic, you will find plenty just like you, like me who are reasoned and measured and will relate and support. I think we eventually pop up and outweigh the unhelpful pearl clutchers.